Yeah, I know. Once I get distracted it is pretty hard to come back and pick up the writing again. Part of it is a bad (?) habit - I think too much. So all the crap I mull over day to day doesn't seem to need to be put down electronically. Sometimes I forget, then I get lazy, but never get the motivation to start in. If you said "one of the signs of depression" you would be quite right, although that particular rut in my personality might remain once the depression departs.
For fun, I am going to treat this return as a sort of interview. It will probably be long, so feel free to skip to the end where you find out I am still alive.
What have you been up to this summer?
Not much. (yes, a cop-out answer) The job prospect paused at the beginning of July after we submitted the proposals, which are now at the whim of the government. The only one that has been funded came in well after it was predicted, with a very short turnaround (2 months instead of 16) for the second expanded proposal. If and when funding is received both the wife and I will be on staff through the end of 2012.
Around that same time both the wife and daughter flew up to Brooklyn to visit, and the daughter stayed to hang out with her older sister. I think this is awesome that they have a great sisterly relationship despite (or maybe because of) their six year age difference. Of course they don't really stay in touch with me, so I hear the exploits second or third-hand. Youngest flew home (all by herself) a couple weeks ago, and it is really good to have her back. She is growing so fast and really matured a bit hanging with her sister and godmother, and doing all sorts of big-city stuff that is inconceivable here in Memphis. Just found out last night that my oldest is going to take a train from New York up to NH to visit my mother, then on to spend time with my father. Funny that neither of these people were major presences in her life growing up, so in one sense it is good that she is seeking them out. My grandparents were semi-regular visits (my maternal grands never visited, we went to them), despite the distances I saw them a whole lot, but being a kid I never paid much attention to the conversations or family stories.
Without work to occupy me I had plenty of time to get into mischief. I spent two days while home alone painting the dining room, a project that has been on the list for 2 years. Not my list, mind you, but the wife's. She is the painter. I hate it. But I did a kickass job of it, including some very decent cutting in at the ceiling. I also did a little landscaping (no not the moustache, although that is another outlet, which drives the wife crazy - she hates it), brushed out the dogs to the point where we had several dog-sized piles of fur on the deck. Cars eventually came back from the shop, repaired, to be parked on the new driveway, wide enough for 3 cars (carefully parked).
Lots of catching up on reading, too. Both Patrick Rothfuss books I got in March were finally read (I had read the first back when it came out, but the second was all new). Patiently waited for July 12 and then inhaled A Dance with Dragons. Side note - we switched over to AT&T U-Verse, which we like a lot, and we had HBO for about the first week, so got to watch the first 3 episodes of a Game of Thrones. Now waiting for a friend to pass along his bootleg DVRd copy of the series. And just last week read the newest Harry Dresden (A wizard named Harry - go figure). Now I am wading through the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is compelling but not terribly fast paced or even that interesting.
Facebook has been a mixed blessing. Games are just time wasters, but I still do a couple or three. Lately a neat little memory-lane group about Newmarket (the hometown) has been burning up the place - fun and getting me to realize a few things, including how oblivious I was to the surroundings. Partly my own myopia, partly the fact that we moved to the town when I was 4, so we didn't have the depth of roots of most of the town families. Still fun to read about.
How are you coping with not working?
It has been easy and hard. I feel compelled to be working on something, but often don't have the energy to do anything. Naps can pounce on me if I lie down and get comfortable. I fret about money, health coverage, all that modern crap. Started walking in the mornings (when it is only in the low 90s) last week...1.3 miles in about 20 minutes. Getting easier, but taking it slow to start. I am not actively seeking work, because I really want this firm to get their funding and bring me on staff. But at some point I will have to find some employment. And the waiting is putting stress on my mental well-being.
The reading is good, and have seen a few movies this summer - all escapism and action and stuff. Thor was OK, Green Lantern less so. Took youngest to Harry Potter, since she wouldn't see it in New York due to bedbug infestations in theaters. Captain America has been the best so far, and I was mildly disappointed in Cowboys and Aliens. Great acting, concept was kind of lacking. And the disturbing realization that the pink "hands" the aliens have in their chests are actually their sex organs (why else have them inside armor, right in front of the heart? Sensitive, delicate work, only exposed in certain situations....hmmmm....bet they didn't intend that).
How's your health?
So glad you asked. Mentally, I struggle. Working on positive thinking, faith in the future and (as I used to say when much younger) the inherent story-book-ness of life. Everything will work out.
On the other hand, last month I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains. Not on the right side where my persnickety gall bladder will sometimes annoy me, but the other side. I could breathe fine, but it kept me awake and concerned enough to call my doctor. Which led to a trip to a cardiologist, a 24 hour blood pressure monitor, and a treadmill stress test. My heart is fine, blood pressure high, now maintained through a daily pill.
Having ruled out the heart (and thinking more about my general health, realizing that I have been feeling this way for a long time) I noticed that I still have trouble breathing. It feels as if I am neck deep in water - muscles are tired of working to draw breath. So back to my GP - blood work (oh yeah, the cardiologist referred my abnormal blood results to him) and a breathing test. Lungs are also good. The shortness of breath and fatigue are all due to severe anemia and low hemoglobin. Treatable by a B-12 shot and iron pills, but in men this indicates the blood is going somewhere (and not into a vampire). No blood in my stool (yeah, that was fun), so now I am scheduled for a colonoscopy, and as the doctor said (great doctor, by the way, fun and easy going, I asked if I could get a video of my colon, but he can only do stills), since you will be under and have a history of gastro-reflux, we will do both ends. That is the end of next week, and the build up to the procedure will be grueling. Low fiber for 3 days (low residue, I think is the term), then a day of nothing but liquids, capped by a half gallon of gatorade mixed with a month's worth of laxative....Oh yeah, this is going to be unpleasant. And the following day I am doing a GRE tutoring session (another stressor, since the test just changed and they added some content that is more complicated than before).
Enough for now. The heat has somewhat broken - bank sign said only 89 this evening on the way to Target.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Greenery and stuff and other stuff
Gardens grow nicely with sun and thunderstorms and some more sun. Even if I forget to water them. Fig tree is viciously leafing all over the place and its neighbor the pumpkin (that I hosed off the concrete patio) is occupying an area greater than my living room. Beautyberry has flowers and soon berries. One tomato progressing so far. And lawn is staying dry so not a lot of growth there.
And speaking of growth, had a nice "company" meeting (that is in quotes because the company is four of us at the moment) where they laid out budgets and plans for us. Wife will be at least part time through 2012, making more than she has in several years. This might move to full time which would make her salary close to what I made as a teacher. I am under contract through the end of the month, but got a huge thumbs up from the CEO who said I was saving him lots of work, and today the COO told me I had done a super job on the 40 page Phase 2 proposal. Hooray for unasked for praise. If some of these jobs are awarded, I will go full time through 2012 as well (giving 18 months to land even more business) at a decent salary. With both of us working full time we would bring home more than I did during my best year in NYC.
Father's Day, actually the day before, we went to a "safari" park about an hour away. Huge tracts of land with free roaming emus, ostriches, buffalo, gnus, llamas, deer and antelope, horses and donkeys. For a fee you get tubs of feed and the animals will come right up and sometimes even stick their heads in the window. Daughter got to hold a baby kangaroo and feed carrots to a giraffe. We found shed peacock tail feathers (bonus!) and had a generally fun day, especially since the storms held off, although the tornado siren test at noon spooked us a bit, as lightning was illuminating the horizon.
My car is in the shop, should be released in 2 weeks in time for inspection. Fun.
And speaking of growth, had a nice "company" meeting (that is in quotes because the company is four of us at the moment) where they laid out budgets and plans for us. Wife will be at least part time through 2012, making more than she has in several years. This might move to full time which would make her salary close to what I made as a teacher. I am under contract through the end of the month, but got a huge thumbs up from the CEO who said I was saving him lots of work, and today the COO told me I had done a super job on the 40 page Phase 2 proposal. Hooray for unasked for praise. If some of these jobs are awarded, I will go full time through 2012 as well (giving 18 months to land even more business) at a decent salary. With both of us working full time we would bring home more than I did during my best year in NYC.
Father's Day, actually the day before, we went to a "safari" park about an hour away. Huge tracts of land with free roaming emus, ostriches, buffalo, gnus, llamas, deer and antelope, horses and donkeys. For a fee you get tubs of feed and the animals will come right up and sometimes even stick their heads in the window. Daughter got to hold a baby kangaroo and feed carrots to a giraffe. We found shed peacock tail feathers (bonus!) and had a generally fun day, especially since the storms held off, although the tornado siren test at noon spooked us a bit, as lightning was illuminating the horizon.
My car is in the shop, should be released in 2 weeks in time for inspection. Fun.
Monday, June 13, 2011
A big week
Yeah yeah, I haven't been typing on here in a while. Motivation low, but overall outlook has been up. Job is working out fine, I just hope a contract hits soon so I can be actually hired rather than on contract for June. Lots of wordsmithing (think grant writing), but also a lot of thinking and discussing ideas that may or may not work out.
On the non-work front, had an excellent but way too short visit with a super friend on Tuesday. It is friends like this that make your sense of time and space warp, so that a six hour drive across the state for a one day visit is not actual insanity, but a normal natural thing to do.
The final stages of bamboo removal, which involves sneaking (well, not really, the fence is basically down, it is the six feet from the fence to the neighbor's house) into the neighbor's yard to pry up bamboo before/as it grows. I am not in the shape I was even 2 years ago, which wasn't top shape, so I can only do it for 15 minutes at a time. Slow progress, but steady.
Trivia semi-finals. Fun, but a disaster in a lot of ways. We choked badly on the back half, and a couple I could have over-ridden but I tend to defer to others. We had plenty of answers pulled out of the air, but just couldn't redeem. During the contest a huge storm blew through, enough wind to force rain through the air conditioner above us and shower us with water. Then upon leaving, I was parked in by a truck that stuck past the end of the parking space by 3 to 4 feet. No way to maneuver either direction, so ended up taking a hit on the drivers side, from the driver's door to the gas cap. I think some buffing will take a bit of the ugliness away, but there a couple spots where paint flaked and one good impression at the back end. Ugh.
Oh, and Saturday morning, with our Groupon in hand (paid $40 for $200 credit), we went to Mattress Firm and got a new mattress, first in 10 years or more. Since Queen was the same price as Full (Our bed frame/headboard is full) we finally (!) upgraded and just left the headboard standing alone (it is a sort of bookcase thing that can stand on its own). Daughter got the old mattress as a hand-me-down and everybody is happy and sleeping soundly.
And yesterday went to see Super 8. I had no expectations and didn't let the wife and daughter know anything about it, so everybody was pleased. Excellent place setting and nostalgia for me...small town in 1979. Little bits that were snuck in for atmosphere really hit home.
On the non-work front, had an excellent but way too short visit with a super friend on Tuesday. It is friends like this that make your sense of time and space warp, so that a six hour drive across the state for a one day visit is not actual insanity, but a normal natural thing to do.
The final stages of bamboo removal, which involves sneaking (well, not really, the fence is basically down, it is the six feet from the fence to the neighbor's house) into the neighbor's yard to pry up bamboo before/as it grows. I am not in the shape I was even 2 years ago, which wasn't top shape, so I can only do it for 15 minutes at a time. Slow progress, but steady.
Trivia semi-finals. Fun, but a disaster in a lot of ways. We choked badly on the back half, and a couple I could have over-ridden but I tend to defer to others. We had plenty of answers pulled out of the air, but just couldn't redeem. During the contest a huge storm blew through, enough wind to force rain through the air conditioner above us and shower us with water. Then upon leaving, I was parked in by a truck that stuck past the end of the parking space by 3 to 4 feet. No way to maneuver either direction, so ended up taking a hit on the drivers side, from the driver's door to the gas cap. I think some buffing will take a bit of the ugliness away, but there a couple spots where paint flaked and one good impression at the back end. Ugh.
Oh, and Saturday morning, with our Groupon in hand (paid $40 for $200 credit), we went to Mattress Firm and got a new mattress, first in 10 years or more. Since Queen was the same price as Full (Our bed frame/headboard is full) we finally (!) upgraded and just left the headboard standing alone (it is a sort of bookcase thing that can stand on its own). Daughter got the old mattress as a hand-me-down and everybody is happy and sleeping soundly.
And yesterday went to see Super 8. I had no expectations and didn't let the wife and daughter know anything about it, so everybody was pleased. Excellent place setting and nostalgia for me...small town in 1979. Little bits that were snuck in for atmosphere really hit home.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Slowly Unwinding
The rest of the week went a lot better. Wednesday we won our trivia night, and felt better, especially listening to the two teachers who were in the classroom all day, closing out for the year.
The new job is pretty good. It is kind of hard to describe, but in short I am the right-hand-man for a guy who is basically a consultant. His field is computer AI, training/programming computers to interpret various inputs and act on them. He jokes that his PhD dissertation was SkyNet. We both speak nerd and that is a good thing. The business could be described as a think tank, if there were more people. Friday we brought in three other doctorates (professors) from U of Memphis to talk about some of the proposals we are writing - that is the business end of things. We write proposals for SBIR (Small Business Innovation Research) funding, usually from a branch of the government. Phase 1 is the starting point - proposing a solution to a problem, and showing you have expertise to further research a solution. If granted, you get a small grant, usually $70,000 to $100,000, and an invitation to submit for Phase 2, where you do the research and create a limited model, if approved. We are submitting a Phase 2 in a hurry - Phase 1 was approved a month ago (we should have been told a year ago). Plus 4 other Phase 1 write-ups...one is entirely my own, the others I am organizing but will have lots of input from the people who will do the research. Relaxed atmosphere, I know what to do and have no problems with asking questions, bouncing things off of others, etc. And I feel valued for my intellect, even if I have fewer letters after my name than everybody else (one or more PhDs for all involved, except myself, with a lowly Masters). I am contracted for June, and hopefully some funding will come in that will allow me to be put on full time (fingers crossed). Government money is funny that way - it can be "discovered" near the end of a fiscal period and need to be spent in a short amount of time (as happened to the company last year), which means money gets tossed around, computers and other hardware are purchased, etc.
Also this past Saturday I finished my GRE/GMAT sessions, which were sparsely attended but well received. Another time when I can let my nerd flag fly and not worry about sounding smart.
Hot as hell here lately. Air not moving, so ozone alerts all the time, which means the backyard is growing tall from not mowing. I am managing to water the garden plants daily, though, so things are looking good. Fig tree is waist high and thriving. New trees are doing OK now that I have prevented the dog from jumping on them. Wild pumpkin (we had one from last year dissolve, and I hosed it off the concrete, where it is now growing wildly), tomatoes, raspberry are all showing good growth. And the blueberry bush that usually gets picked over by birds has a bumper crop, with plenty of ripe fruit not claimed by avian scavengers.
Each day I relax a little bit more. It is a slow process, and I work at not stressing myself over things, and so far it is working. I am spending more time reading, and plan to get back to some sort of exercise program soon. Happy is in the forecast.
The new job is pretty good. It is kind of hard to describe, but in short I am the right-hand-man for a guy who is basically a consultant. His field is computer AI, training/programming computers to interpret various inputs and act on them. He jokes that his PhD dissertation was SkyNet. We both speak nerd and that is a good thing. The business could be described as a think tank, if there were more people. Friday we brought in three other doctorates (professors) from U of Memphis to talk about some of the proposals we are writing - that is the business end of things. We write proposals for SBIR (Small Business Innovation Research) funding, usually from a branch of the government. Phase 1 is the starting point - proposing a solution to a problem, and showing you have expertise to further research a solution. If granted, you get a small grant, usually $70,000 to $100,000, and an invitation to submit for Phase 2, where you do the research and create a limited model, if approved. We are submitting a Phase 2 in a hurry - Phase 1 was approved a month ago (we should have been told a year ago). Plus 4 other Phase 1 write-ups...one is entirely my own, the others I am organizing but will have lots of input from the people who will do the research. Relaxed atmosphere, I know what to do and have no problems with asking questions, bouncing things off of others, etc. And I feel valued for my intellect, even if I have fewer letters after my name than everybody else (one or more PhDs for all involved, except myself, with a lowly Masters). I am contracted for June, and hopefully some funding will come in that will allow me to be put on full time (fingers crossed). Government money is funny that way - it can be "discovered" near the end of a fiscal period and need to be spent in a short amount of time (as happened to the company last year), which means money gets tossed around, computers and other hardware are purchased, etc.
Also this past Saturday I finished my GRE/GMAT sessions, which were sparsely attended but well received. Another time when I can let my nerd flag fly and not worry about sounding smart.
Hot as hell here lately. Air not moving, so ozone alerts all the time, which means the backyard is growing tall from not mowing. I am managing to water the garden plants daily, though, so things are looking good. Fig tree is waist high and thriving. New trees are doing OK now that I have prevented the dog from jumping on them. Wild pumpkin (we had one from last year dissolve, and I hosed it off the concrete, where it is now growing wildly), tomatoes, raspberry are all showing good growth. And the blueberry bush that usually gets picked over by birds has a bumper crop, with plenty of ripe fruit not claimed by avian scavengers.
Each day I relax a little bit more. It is a slow process, and I work at not stressing myself over things, and so far it is working. I am spending more time reading, and plan to get back to some sort of exercise program soon. Happy is in the forecast.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
First Day of New Job
Today was a doozy. Up early and had blood drawn for the pre-diabetes study. They didn't call me, so I guess my blood sugar was still below official diabetes level, although last time it was in the pre- stage. Then off to my new job!
Small company with basically four employees, including wife and myself. She will be full-time quickly, while I am on a one month contract, which will be upgraded to full-time if we land business. I am a right hand man. I do research to facilitate proposals to government agencies which result in grants. Sometimes, as have happened in the past, money is literally thrown at the company to spend before the end of a budget period. Other times money is up for grabs based on a brief proposal, or a series of longer proposals.
Meanwhile, I felt really lousy after leaving the office (good thing I wasn't driving). Nausea and lingering deja vu (which is never a good thing for me) - frequent feelings of having dreamed things the night before. Not meaningful things, either, just random images, or memories. Laid down before my therapist visit, and didn't feel much better. Came home and had some dinner and felt much better.
Then out of the blue, just mousing around the internet it all hit. One image triggered another in my mind, which cascaded into an avalanche of memory-dump. Thrashing and moaning, enough to startle the dogs from the other side of the house and bring my daughter in to see what was the matter, or if she could help. Even now, 30 minutes later I am shaky, and don't really remember much of the attack. Panic is not fun, and it is definitely draining. Time for bed, I think.
Small company with basically four employees, including wife and myself. She will be full-time quickly, while I am on a one month contract, which will be upgraded to full-time if we land business. I am a right hand man. I do research to facilitate proposals to government agencies which result in grants. Sometimes, as have happened in the past, money is literally thrown at the company to spend before the end of a budget period. Other times money is up for grabs based on a brief proposal, or a series of longer proposals.
Meanwhile, I felt really lousy after leaving the office (good thing I wasn't driving). Nausea and lingering deja vu (which is never a good thing for me) - frequent feelings of having dreamed things the night before. Not meaningful things, either, just random images, or memories. Laid down before my therapist visit, and didn't feel much better. Came home and had some dinner and felt much better.
Then out of the blue, just mousing around the internet it all hit. One image triggered another in my mind, which cascaded into an avalanche of memory-dump. Thrashing and moaning, enough to startle the dogs from the other side of the house and bring my daughter in to see what was the matter, or if she could help. Even now, 30 minutes later I am shaky, and don't really remember much of the attack. Panic is not fun, and it is definitely draining. Time for bed, I think.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The Chapter Ends
The week went quickly in hindsight, and was predictably uneventful. Fewer kids day by day, with Wednesday as the "end of school party day." Thursday I think each homeroom had about 8 or 9 kids, so the day was relaxing and I just showed movies.
Friday was dull. I had everything packed up, and my checklist all complete by Thursday, so I just sat and read while I waited for our grade's time to roll around. Then the only frustration of the day - I can't turn in my computer to the tech person, but have to wait on the principal. Confided in a few more people about my situation - it appears I was not the only late-hired, older white male math teacher in the middle school to not be renewed - the 7th grade teacher isn't going back, either.
Nice long weekend with younger daughter at a friend's grandparent's house on a lake. Doing some movie watching, just relaxing, getting my head around the idea that I am not teaching any more. Cleaned out some books that would have been useful to teach middle school math - keeping the high school (Advanced Algebra and Pre-Calculus) for the off-chance I return to teaching and go for the upper grades. I am nervous about Tuesday, staring in an office job that is for June, but may extend into a full-time spot. I am anxious because of my track record lately, but slowly coming to the realization that I was trying to be happy in a job that I wasn't happy doing. Now I can start with a clean slate, small office, learning the routine and being generally helpful and growing into a useful "right-hand-man"...whee.
Friday was dull. I had everything packed up, and my checklist all complete by Thursday, so I just sat and read while I waited for our grade's time to roll around. Then the only frustration of the day - I can't turn in my computer to the tech person, but have to wait on the principal. Confided in a few more people about my situation - it appears I was not the only late-hired, older white male math teacher in the middle school to not be renewed - the 7th grade teacher isn't going back, either.
Nice long weekend with younger daughter at a friend's grandparent's house on a lake. Doing some movie watching, just relaxing, getting my head around the idea that I am not teaching any more. Cleaned out some books that would have been useful to teach middle school math - keeping the high school (Advanced Algebra and Pre-Calculus) for the off-chance I return to teaching and go for the upper grades. I am nervous about Tuesday, staring in an office job that is for June, but may extend into a full-time spot. I am anxious because of my track record lately, but slowly coming to the realization that I was trying to be happy in a job that I wasn't happy doing. Now I can start with a clean slate, small office, learning the routine and being generally helpful and growing into a useful "right-hand-man"...whee.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The End is in Sight
Hard to do much when the day gets scrambled. Field day was actually a success, mainly because the kids who couldn't behave were not allowed to go. Sportsmanship, cheering but no booing, and fun. As a sort of reward I showed more movies in the afternoon and the kids did fine with that. Administration might frown, but who cares at this point. Friday should have been a "normal" day, but the homeroom (not mine) that won field day had to compete in the afternoon against the 7th and 8th grade winners, so we were back in homeroom again. I grabbed Akela and the Bee from the library, and again we had mostly well behaved little monsters.
At home we have a cardinal that has built a nest in the rose bush/tree next to the carport. The stem she built it on sags some, but is plenty high enough. I feel bad today, as it is raining, but I can see her tail feathers and bright orange beak in there. Of course, I am sure animals don't think of the rain like we do - they are adapted to shed water and maybe even welcome it for a drink while stuck in the nest. Rain is also good for the plants that have been put in the ground. The fig tree from last year is now about waist high and growing well. The two beautyberry trees are established and showing new growth (and no longer require daily or twice daily hosings), and the black raspberry went in yesterday morning and should do really well.
Yesterday was a nice change - teaching to a receptive audience. There were 25 people signed up but I only had 10 show up, and two were not on my original list, for the GRE GMAT prep. Naturally there was some sort of mixup and the classroom was double booked. Since I didn't book it, and it is the regular classroom for this session (AND because I had an email confirming it, that was also sent to the students) the other instructor moved to a different location.
Oh, and there was NO RAPTURE. Go figure.
There is part-time summer job in the offing, working with a cousin-in-law who is a lawyer, who has a company with a computer software techie. I will be writing a bunch of SBIR grant proposals and generally helping organize things. If things go well it could be the new job, but trying not to think about it too much at this early stage.
At home we have a cardinal that has built a nest in the rose bush/tree next to the carport. The stem she built it on sags some, but is plenty high enough. I feel bad today, as it is raining, but I can see her tail feathers and bright orange beak in there. Of course, I am sure animals don't think of the rain like we do - they are adapted to shed water and maybe even welcome it for a drink while stuck in the nest. Rain is also good for the plants that have been put in the ground. The fig tree from last year is now about waist high and growing well. The two beautyberry trees are established and showing new growth (and no longer require daily or twice daily hosings), and the black raspberry went in yesterday morning and should do really well.
Yesterday was a nice change - teaching to a receptive audience. There were 25 people signed up but I only had 10 show up, and two were not on my original list, for the GRE GMAT prep. Naturally there was some sort of mixup and the classroom was double booked. Since I didn't book it, and it is the regular classroom for this session (AND because I had an email confirming it, that was also sent to the students) the other instructor moved to a different location.
Oh, and there was NO RAPTURE. Go figure.
There is part-time summer job in the offing, working with a cousin-in-law who is a lawyer, who has a company with a computer software techie. I will be writing a bunch of SBIR grant proposals and generally helping organize things. If things go well it could be the new job, but trying not to think about it too much at this early stage.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Nothing Special
The week in the classroom has been an exercise in treading water. We have an extra period to teach (actually babysit) since the elective teachers (art, PE, music) are helping with the various grades' field days. So we have watched Princess Bride over two mornings, and today, with a schoolwide picnic I showed two movies, one before and one after lunch.
For my regular classes, they can play a math game or two, which is not too pressing, or if they act like little shits they can complete, without a calculator, some prerequisite skills for 7th grade. Two classes so far have fallen to this level. Hopefully tomorrow some of the real problems will get the hint and start staying home. It being OUR field day, the morning is all about getting sweaty, and the afternoon will be all about trying to calm down and sit still - I am hoping many parents will just pick up their kids early. And, as above, hoping that for most of my kids, Field Day will be the mental conclusion to the year, and they will just stop coming.
Not to say today was bad, because it wasn't. But by the time I got to trivia, my mood had gone from apathetic to morose. And it didn't improve. I felt outside the group tonight, and it is the old chicken/egg question. Was I outside because I was depressed, or am I depressed because I felt outside? I can't even put a finger on the cause - just too tired to think about it.
For my regular classes, they can play a math game or two, which is not too pressing, or if they act like little shits they can complete, without a calculator, some prerequisite skills for 7th grade. Two classes so far have fallen to this level. Hopefully tomorrow some of the real problems will get the hint and start staying home. It being OUR field day, the morning is all about getting sweaty, and the afternoon will be all about trying to calm down and sit still - I am hoping many parents will just pick up their kids early. And, as above, hoping that for most of my kids, Field Day will be the mental conclusion to the year, and they will just stop coming.
Not to say today was bad, because it wasn't. But by the time I got to trivia, my mood had gone from apathetic to morose. And it didn't improve. I felt outside the group tonight, and it is the old chicken/egg question. Was I outside because I was depressed, or am I depressed because I felt outside? I can't even put a finger on the cause - just too tired to think about it.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Pre-Dawn Doubts
Nothing like a night of terrible sleep, which has been happening more and more lately, joined by a bird outside, possibly a dove or something (coo coo is close to whoo whoo, but owls are not likely), the ceiling fan over-cooling me (I get no choice in the matter, regardless of the sub 60 temperature outside) - well, the gremlins of self-doubt came calling for an extended session of self-reflection, recrimination and just all around paranoia. Nice restful combination.
First things first. I am no longer a teacher. I chose this path thinking it would be rewarding to me, but if that is true the rewards are too far down the line to help me cope with the day to day frustrations. I stuck with Ridgeway Middle out of stubbornness, need to complete 5 years at one school to absolve my student loans, and fear that moving anywhere else would be worse. None of these reasons were good (except maybe the 2nd one). I was a good teacher, and I was growing in understanding the student mind-set. There were some good and trustworthy people around me, but there were more people who had their own agenda, which I didn't fit into. I have never been good at reading people - I like things spelled out for me, and human motivation has too many nuances and fluctuates too much for me to comprehend. And when I think I have it, I am way off base. So I tend to just keep my head down and let others' machinations play out. So at Ridgeway I existed, but I didn't thrive. I could have left on my own terms - in fact I would probably have left at the end of that school year in any case.
Enter mis-judgment. A school that drops 2 long-standing teachers over the Christmas break should throw up multiple red-flags to a prospective teacher. Not only did I ignore them (willfully), but I jumped from the City Schools in the middle of the year (well, actually with no notice), burning the bridge behind me. No going back, although I probably wouldn't have considered it. Going forward it may be obvious to everyone but me, save in hindsight, that I was under a microscope from day 1. There were parents with hidden agendas, who wanted the school to be more like other, more prestigious private and parochial schools. I sabotaged myself by trying to be "cool" and likeable to the students, some of whom were only at the school because it was the only one that would take them after failing to behave at multiple others. 8th graders who are in their first year at a new school have no history, no drive to behave, and don't recognize many consequences. And behind all this, the principal was being railroaded out by the shadow council of parents and pastor. I definitely made mistakes, but everyone does, coming into a new school, especially in the middle of a school year. Those first weeks were like being a substitute, and there was no system in place for me to learn. The teacher who was supposed to show me the ropes was so hands off I never knew there were assessments for the teaching of Confirmation. I was hung out to dry by her, and she is still there (having taught my wife decades ago), while other more modern and capable teachers are not. I will say it again - I made mistakes and bad decisions, so I bear some responsibility. But not all, and even if I had not made the mistakes (nobody is perfect, and you would think a Catholic school would hold a little with forgiveness), I think I would have been forced out. Still, I have trouble not blaming myself, even in a no-win situation. The whole experience shook my faith in myself as a teacher, my faith in the leaders of my parish, both religious and lay (the parents in power are also powerful members of the parish - fund-raisers, etc.) It makes it hard to go to church, and harder to stand in front of them and perform as a lector. Another year, since this year the school requires tithing as a member of the parish (which we have been for 10 years) to qualify for in-parish tuition.
With all this rocking my world, I questioned remaining a teacher. I spent several weeks searching for non-teaching jobs with very little success. My trivia team, who all have experience in the County schools, convinced me that I was a good teacher and should not give up. Problem was, I was well behind the hiring curve, so when I was offered a spot at a school that I was not overjoyed with, I took it. I had my doubts, and would have preferred not to have been offered the job, to be honest. But I needed a paycheck, and any job was better than no job. Naturally, several other things came up within weeks of starting, but that is water under the bridge. So I convinced myself that it couldn't be too bad, and I embraced all the good differences the County offered. I tried to ignore the warning signs that this school was almost exactly like Ridgeway Middle, right down to some of the Ridgeway students who had faked new addresses to attend. The school was in its second year of being K-8, instead of 6-8. The staff was still recovering from this switch, with many teachers in grades they did not prefer, and with few staff able to transfer out to other schools, despite seniority. The principal was brand new, the third in three years, and I now (not at the time) discover he moved from guidance to principal, never taught in a classroom, never had to manage a classroom of middle school students daily - but had the "luxury" of only dealing with the problems one-on-one. Again, I made some mistakes. Again, I started out tentatively, like a substitute teacher. And again, it seems there was a hidden agenda. Looking back, the writing was on the wall before the end of the calendar year. I had a meeting with the principal and assistant principal and was told my voice carries, and I was too loud. During a problem with my classroom door, where it would not open, locking my class out at dismissal, I asked a student to move to the back of a line several times, then took him by the arm, which was cited as a no-no. Never EVER touch the students (sub-text: White man). All of this after just 3 months. Tongues were wagging on the hall, and two of my grade level teachers, one being the grade chair, were so unsupportive that when I asked a procedural question about giving a standardized test, they laughed at me rather than give me the information. They would sabotage me by holding back information then watch me struggle with or over-exert myself to perform a task. And then they would inform the principal of my difficulties.
When I finally lost my composure and tossed my badge on the desk, after appealing to the guidance counselor, my exemplary teacher (sort of the mentor for all teachers), my assistant principal (who was in and out all year for National Guard duties), my grade level teachers...the principal chided me for not asking for help. His open door policy meant that I should have come to talk about anything at all. So I opened up to him and the exemplary teacher - said what I felt and doubted and worried about. Expressed that I wasn't sure there was a fit with me and the school, or maybe with teaching. Talked honestly about my frustrations, and the lack of student response to different classroom management strategies. Again, I missed the writing on the wall, as the principal talked about having to make tough decisions that don't just affect a person, but a family. As he talked about the possibility of me going back to the City schools. As he mentioned, in a sideways fashion, some of his concerns - but never directly. A lot of this conversation got repeated during my meeting to inform me of his recommendation to not renew me.
Was I on the way out before I even began again? Possibly. Did other people, teachers, parents, custodians, influence the principal without him making his own observations? Definitely. Did the principal talk to others who have been in my classroom, such as my mentor teacher, my co-teacher and teaching aide, other teachers on my hall, etc.? No, never. I think (but still don't feel - and we will come back to that in a moment) the principal regretted hiring me and had opposition from my two grade teachers. As a new teacher, I was bound to the school for three years and could not transfer. Since the school was never over capacity, he could not get rid of me through surplussing. His only choice was to end my career, rather than help to make me a better teacher, if that was ever an option. That was always the message in the new-teacher meetings, but in his review he considered me a seasoned teacher and used that against me, while the rest of the system treated me like a wet-behind-the-ears novice. Convenient.
So, in my mind I can see I was doomed, maybe from the start. I have doubts about whether I should have taken the job in the first place. In a way it is good that I didn't have to make the call, but it was made for me. But in my heart, in my emotional core, it is another personal failure, on top of another one last year. The pattern repeats. And I am the common factor. I might be able to work past that, if only I can start to believe my own lies/truths. I need to accept that I am a good person, a good teacher, and believe myself over these external powers-that-be who review and rate me. I have to ignore "evidence" that contradicts what I want to believe, which is what got me in trouble in the first place, by ignoring evidence that I didn't belong, or was being railroaded. And I need to believe it enough to convince somebody to give me a job even though my resume looks like I am damaged goods, leaving or being left by 3 jobs in 18 months. It will be hard to explain - especially since I would rather just be honest, which won't be believed.
These next few months are going to be a huge challenge.
First things first. I am no longer a teacher. I chose this path thinking it would be rewarding to me, but if that is true the rewards are too far down the line to help me cope with the day to day frustrations. I stuck with Ridgeway Middle out of stubbornness, need to complete 5 years at one school to absolve my student loans, and fear that moving anywhere else would be worse. None of these reasons were good (except maybe the 2nd one). I was a good teacher, and I was growing in understanding the student mind-set. There were some good and trustworthy people around me, but there were more people who had their own agenda, which I didn't fit into. I have never been good at reading people - I like things spelled out for me, and human motivation has too many nuances and fluctuates too much for me to comprehend. And when I think I have it, I am way off base. So I tend to just keep my head down and let others' machinations play out. So at Ridgeway I existed, but I didn't thrive. I could have left on my own terms - in fact I would probably have left at the end of that school year in any case.
Enter mis-judgment. A school that drops 2 long-standing teachers over the Christmas break should throw up multiple red-flags to a prospective teacher. Not only did I ignore them (willfully), but I jumped from the City Schools in the middle of the year (well, actually with no notice), burning the bridge behind me. No going back, although I probably wouldn't have considered it. Going forward it may be obvious to everyone but me, save in hindsight, that I was under a microscope from day 1. There were parents with hidden agendas, who wanted the school to be more like other, more prestigious private and parochial schools. I sabotaged myself by trying to be "cool" and likeable to the students, some of whom were only at the school because it was the only one that would take them after failing to behave at multiple others. 8th graders who are in their first year at a new school have no history, no drive to behave, and don't recognize many consequences. And behind all this, the principal was being railroaded out by the shadow council of parents and pastor. I definitely made mistakes, but everyone does, coming into a new school, especially in the middle of a school year. Those first weeks were like being a substitute, and there was no system in place for me to learn. The teacher who was supposed to show me the ropes was so hands off I never knew there were assessments for the teaching of Confirmation. I was hung out to dry by her, and she is still there (having taught my wife decades ago), while other more modern and capable teachers are not. I will say it again - I made mistakes and bad decisions, so I bear some responsibility. But not all, and even if I had not made the mistakes (nobody is perfect, and you would think a Catholic school would hold a little with forgiveness), I think I would have been forced out. Still, I have trouble not blaming myself, even in a no-win situation. The whole experience shook my faith in myself as a teacher, my faith in the leaders of my parish, both religious and lay (the parents in power are also powerful members of the parish - fund-raisers, etc.) It makes it hard to go to church, and harder to stand in front of them and perform as a lector. Another year, since this year the school requires tithing as a member of the parish (which we have been for 10 years) to qualify for in-parish tuition.
With all this rocking my world, I questioned remaining a teacher. I spent several weeks searching for non-teaching jobs with very little success. My trivia team, who all have experience in the County schools, convinced me that I was a good teacher and should not give up. Problem was, I was well behind the hiring curve, so when I was offered a spot at a school that I was not overjoyed with, I took it. I had my doubts, and would have preferred not to have been offered the job, to be honest. But I needed a paycheck, and any job was better than no job. Naturally, several other things came up within weeks of starting, but that is water under the bridge. So I convinced myself that it couldn't be too bad, and I embraced all the good differences the County offered. I tried to ignore the warning signs that this school was almost exactly like Ridgeway Middle, right down to some of the Ridgeway students who had faked new addresses to attend. The school was in its second year of being K-8, instead of 6-8. The staff was still recovering from this switch, with many teachers in grades they did not prefer, and with few staff able to transfer out to other schools, despite seniority. The principal was brand new, the third in three years, and I now (not at the time) discover he moved from guidance to principal, never taught in a classroom, never had to manage a classroom of middle school students daily - but had the "luxury" of only dealing with the problems one-on-one. Again, I made some mistakes. Again, I started out tentatively, like a substitute teacher. And again, it seems there was a hidden agenda. Looking back, the writing was on the wall before the end of the calendar year. I had a meeting with the principal and assistant principal and was told my voice carries, and I was too loud. During a problem with my classroom door, where it would not open, locking my class out at dismissal, I asked a student to move to the back of a line several times, then took him by the arm, which was cited as a no-no. Never EVER touch the students (sub-text: White man). All of this after just 3 months. Tongues were wagging on the hall, and two of my grade level teachers, one being the grade chair, were so unsupportive that when I asked a procedural question about giving a standardized test, they laughed at me rather than give me the information. They would sabotage me by holding back information then watch me struggle with or over-exert myself to perform a task. And then they would inform the principal of my difficulties.
When I finally lost my composure and tossed my badge on the desk, after appealing to the guidance counselor, my exemplary teacher (sort of the mentor for all teachers), my assistant principal (who was in and out all year for National Guard duties), my grade level teachers...the principal chided me for not asking for help. His open door policy meant that I should have come to talk about anything at all. So I opened up to him and the exemplary teacher - said what I felt and doubted and worried about. Expressed that I wasn't sure there was a fit with me and the school, or maybe with teaching. Talked honestly about my frustrations, and the lack of student response to different classroom management strategies. Again, I missed the writing on the wall, as the principal talked about having to make tough decisions that don't just affect a person, but a family. As he talked about the possibility of me going back to the City schools. As he mentioned, in a sideways fashion, some of his concerns - but never directly. A lot of this conversation got repeated during my meeting to inform me of his recommendation to not renew me.
Was I on the way out before I even began again? Possibly. Did other people, teachers, parents, custodians, influence the principal without him making his own observations? Definitely. Did the principal talk to others who have been in my classroom, such as my mentor teacher, my co-teacher and teaching aide, other teachers on my hall, etc.? No, never. I think (but still don't feel - and we will come back to that in a moment) the principal regretted hiring me and had opposition from my two grade teachers. As a new teacher, I was bound to the school for three years and could not transfer. Since the school was never over capacity, he could not get rid of me through surplussing. His only choice was to end my career, rather than help to make me a better teacher, if that was ever an option. That was always the message in the new-teacher meetings, but in his review he considered me a seasoned teacher and used that against me, while the rest of the system treated me like a wet-behind-the-ears novice. Convenient.
So, in my mind I can see I was doomed, maybe from the start. I have doubts about whether I should have taken the job in the first place. In a way it is good that I didn't have to make the call, but it was made for me. But in my heart, in my emotional core, it is another personal failure, on top of another one last year. The pattern repeats. And I am the common factor. I might be able to work past that, if only I can start to believe my own lies/truths. I need to accept that I am a good person, a good teacher, and believe myself over these external powers-that-be who review and rate me. I have to ignore "evidence" that contradicts what I want to believe, which is what got me in trouble in the first place, by ignoring evidence that I didn't belong, or was being railroaded. And I need to believe it enough to convince somebody to give me a job even though my resume looks like I am damaged goods, leaving or being left by 3 jobs in 18 months. It will be hard to explain - especially since I would rather just be honest, which won't be believed.
These next few months are going to be a huge challenge.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
It's Official
Got the official letter informing me I won't be re-hired with Shelby County Schools for the 2011-12 year. And since the cc: says "personnel file" I will just assume that I won't be hired back for any other years, either. On the good side, I "passed" my teller aptitude test with Region's Bank, and wife had lunch with a cousin-in-law who will be hiring her part-time (for the time being) at his two lawyer office.
Teaching is hard these last few days of the year. I want to teach, and I want the kids to learn, but their heads are not in the classroom. Thankfully, many have told me they won't be coming to school the last week. By the calendar, there are 9 days left for students. This week includes a Field Day on Thursday (which means many kids won't come on Friday - as to them, this is the only reason to NOT stop coming to school), and no elective classes, such as Phys Ed or Art all week. Which means an extra hour with my homeroom every morning. Looks like movie time to me. I have no clue what I will try to get the kids to do during our regular class times - I can't show movies all week (and in fact, if I cared, I would probably be worried about getting in trouble for showing them during that first hour...).
This coming Saturday will be part 1 of my 2 part GRE prep at Christian Brothers University. Got the class list, 25 students, which means I should prepare for 30. Which really means running off a total of 30 copies of the packets, only two of which are needed for the first session.
Working the side yard lately on my yardwork/workout. Getting a nice spot cleared of sapling trees to plant a black raspberry, plus pulling up as much bamboo from the next yard without actually killing myself doing it. It was easier when I was younger, but that is probably also because I was actually in shape, not like now.
Teaching is hard these last few days of the year. I want to teach, and I want the kids to learn, but their heads are not in the classroom. Thankfully, many have told me they won't be coming to school the last week. By the calendar, there are 9 days left for students. This week includes a Field Day on Thursday (which means many kids won't come on Friday - as to them, this is the only reason to NOT stop coming to school), and no elective classes, such as Phys Ed or Art all week. Which means an extra hour with my homeroom every morning. Looks like movie time to me. I have no clue what I will try to get the kids to do during our regular class times - I can't show movies all week (and in fact, if I cared, I would probably be worried about getting in trouble for showing them during that first hour...).
This coming Saturday will be part 1 of my 2 part GRE prep at Christian Brothers University. Got the class list, 25 students, which means I should prepare for 30. Which really means running off a total of 30 copies of the packets, only two of which are needed for the first session.
Working the side yard lately on my yardwork/workout. Getting a nice spot cleared of sapling trees to plant a black raspberry, plus pulling up as much bamboo from the next yard without actually killing myself doing it. It was easier when I was younger, but that is probably also because I was actually in shape, not like now.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Jury Duty
As the warden or whatever he is called explained to us, it is "hurry up and wait." Arrive at 8:30am, spend 2 hours listening to orientation, pep-talk, attendance, all that stuff. Then they call names for different divisions, tell you the floor of the CJC (Criminal Justice Center, aka 201 Poplar) and the judge, and you walk down the street, go into the security area then up to the 6th floor. Where there are chairs enough for about 1/3 of the people who have just arrived. And no Wifi. And we wait. And some more. And at 1pm we are ushered into the courtroom where the judge tells us they are behind, come back at 2pm. Found an awesome cajun diner place that had a great shrimp po'boy, but not enough time to do much else. Back to the waiting game (a different group still hadn't even set foot into a courtroom). At 3pm, we go in again. Judge apologizes, explains both sides want a witness who did not show up. Nobody can get in touch with him, he may be cut off by the flooding (by the way, we are not...areas of the north and south parts of the city nearest the big river are underwater, but we are fine), so....come back tomorrow at 11am. Which is great news for all of us, and we go back out and rub it in to the people who still haven't gone into a courtroom.
Today I did yardwork (pruning rose bush, putting a few plants in the ground, finding out the "dead" azalea is actually tossing out new growth, but not at the ends of the stems), then a wonderful breakfast at Brother Juniper's...finally got to see the river, which IS amazingly high. 11am in the waiting room....waiting....waiting....then at 1pm we go in again. Now the judge apologizes again - explains the case is 2.5 years old and the witness has stated both that he has been pressured, and that he was never pressured by the defendant, who is a gang member. But, since they can't locate him they will push the trial back, issue a warrant for the witness, and we can all go home. Our jury duty is done.
So tomorrow I have a teller aptitude appointment with Region's Bank. Emailed the school and reminded them that I planned a personal day between the end of my jury duty and coming back to school. Not much they can do about it. So tomorrow I will do more yardwork (prying up bamboo that is still extant in the neighbor's yard) before the pre-screening. And we will see how that all goes. Oooh...and it is Trivia Night tomorrow night, too. Makes the week go by so much quicker, and once back at school the worst kids will be getting suspensions that keep them out until school ends. Whee!
Today I did yardwork (pruning rose bush, putting a few plants in the ground, finding out the "dead" azalea is actually tossing out new growth, but not at the ends of the stems), then a wonderful breakfast at Brother Juniper's...finally got to see the river, which IS amazingly high. 11am in the waiting room....waiting....waiting....then at 1pm we go in again. Now the judge apologizes again - explains the case is 2.5 years old and the witness has stated both that he has been pressured, and that he was never pressured by the defendant, who is a gang member. But, since they can't locate him they will push the trial back, issue a warrant for the witness, and we can all go home. Our jury duty is done.
So tomorrow I have a teller aptitude appointment with Region's Bank. Emailed the school and reminded them that I planned a personal day between the end of my jury duty and coming back to school. Not much they can do about it. So tomorrow I will do more yardwork (prying up bamboo that is still extant in the neighbor's yard) before the pre-screening. And we will see how that all goes. Oooh...and it is Trivia Night tomorrow night, too. Makes the week go by so much quicker, and once back at school the worst kids will be getting suspensions that keep them out until school ends. Whee!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Search has Begun
The school week ended decently. Thursday was smooth with dice-rolling application to select which students would answer questions. This captivated them, and actually had just about everybody wanting to participate. Went through nearly a ream of paper making packets for my Jury Duty week - pity the copier won't staple any more. Then again on Friday morning, which was a "play" day since the afternoon was the outdoor Carnival. Where I got stuck on the reverse dunk tank (water balloon in a cradle that gets popped over the head of the volunteer - and we had more volunteers than pitchers) for hours and took a good deal of sun.
Then, the weekend. Went to see Thor with the geekier contingent from my trivia group. A fun movie, done better than I expected. Saturday was Free Comic Book Day, but I am becoming less of a regular at my shop, and was annoyed by the early birds with their entire families grabbing one of everything times five, not making an orderly line, etc. Then it rained, so I had to postpone my yard work, but the sun shone by 3pm and I did front and back yards (about which my back is currently complaining). Been getting good use of out Netflix since Sony Online was victimized by hackers and shut down all their games, leaving me without my DC Universe Online.
Mother's Day - a nice brunch at the University Holiday Inn. It is a teaching hotel, and the special event brunches are quite nice. Breakfast buffet, carving station, cold salads (and seafood), very long hot selections, then dessert stations. A success.
As for the search, I have started getting my resume back out, this time concentrating on banks - teller or a step up from there. I have background in loans, I am math oriented, etc. Long talk with the wife about her needing to make a decision whether she wants to participate in the income stream, which she did for a few months last year, then gave up the search when I landed in the County, or force me to work two jobs. Not sure where things are headed, but feet are on the path.
Jury Duty in the morning. The unknown. Don't know how long I will be there. Don't know if they will have WiFi (bringing a book AND the iPad). But I wouldn't mind being away from the school for the whole week.
Then, the weekend. Went to see Thor with the geekier contingent from my trivia group. A fun movie, done better than I expected. Saturday was Free Comic Book Day, but I am becoming less of a regular at my shop, and was annoyed by the early birds with their entire families grabbing one of everything times five, not making an orderly line, etc. Then it rained, so I had to postpone my yard work, but the sun shone by 3pm and I did front and back yards (about which my back is currently complaining). Been getting good use of out Netflix since Sony Online was victimized by hackers and shut down all their games, leaving me without my DC Universe Online.
Mother's Day - a nice brunch at the University Holiday Inn. It is a teaching hotel, and the special event brunches are quite nice. Breakfast buffet, carving station, cold salads (and seafood), very long hot selections, then dessert stations. A success.
As for the search, I have started getting my resume back out, this time concentrating on banks - teller or a step up from there. I have background in loans, I am math oriented, etc. Long talk with the wife about her needing to make a decision whether she wants to participate in the income stream, which she did for a few months last year, then gave up the search when I landed in the County, or force me to work two jobs. Not sure where things are headed, but feet are on the path.
Jury Duty in the morning. The unknown. Don't know how long I will be there. Don't know if they will have WiFi (bringing a book AND the iPad). But I wouldn't mind being away from the school for the whole week.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
It is getting tougher
to keep a brave face, when trying to teach unwilling students, secretly knowing this will be my swan song. I have told only 3 people in the school building, as the rumor mill works overtime (one of the things I think that contributed to my demise. Lots of little birdies talking in the ear of the principal, who I come to find out, has never been a classroom teacher. He went from guidance counselor to principal. And the little birdies spin things their way. Yesterday I had one of the teachers next to me screaming at a student at the top of her lungs - during our planning period. She shoves the students around as well - physically. Meanwhile I am chastised for having a voice that carries (usually considered a useful thing to a teacher) and "cussing out" students.)
So the kids are done learning, or at least trying to learn. We are all just counting days, and inside I take a very small chunk of joy knowing this is a countdown to more than just the end of the year. The anxiety about my next steps is great - perhaps if my wife gets more of a full-time job we both can work full time and actually have a little more than we have now. But I am wedged in that role of breadwinner, and she is entrenched in her role of working when she wants, wishing she could have more hours at the yarn shop (which won't happen, as the owner has a soft spot for a woman who lives alone, is a recovered alcoholic, and ignores customers), but won't pursue things like opening an Etsy shop (to sell patterns she designed, which could be emailed immediately, or even things she just casually knits), or follow up with her attempted entry into being a bank teller (took the suitability test, then never kept checking openings, since I got back into a teaching slot).
The rest of this month hopefully will be a blur. Next week, jury duty. The week after, wife travels to some wool show in Kentucky for a weekend, when I also happen to be doing a GRE/GMAT session on Saturday. Eventually she and the younger will fly to New York, and the daughter will stay for a month with the other daughter, with wife returning who knows when. I don't get consulted.
So the kids are done learning, or at least trying to learn. We are all just counting days, and inside I take a very small chunk of joy knowing this is a countdown to more than just the end of the year. The anxiety about my next steps is great - perhaps if my wife gets more of a full-time job we both can work full time and actually have a little more than we have now. But I am wedged in that role of breadwinner, and she is entrenched in her role of working when she wants, wishing she could have more hours at the yarn shop (which won't happen, as the owner has a soft spot for a woman who lives alone, is a recovered alcoholic, and ignores customers), but won't pursue things like opening an Etsy shop (to sell patterns she designed, which could be emailed immediately, or even things she just casually knits), or follow up with her attempted entry into being a bank teller (took the suitability test, then never kept checking openings, since I got back into a teaching slot).
The rest of this month hopefully will be a blur. Next week, jury duty. The week after, wife travels to some wool show in Kentucky for a weekend, when I also happen to be doing a GRE/GMAT session on Saturday. Eventually she and the younger will fly to New York, and the daughter will stay for a month with the other daughter, with wife returning who knows when. I don't get consulted.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
More Stormy Weather
Yesterday was very nice for the first part. We drove 2 hours to Coon Creek, an offshoot of the Pink Palace Museum for the annual fossil dig. The site is part of a prehistoric sand bar that stretched for a couple hundred miles when the Gulf of Mexico extended north into Missouri. The fossils (which are 70 million years old) are in a layer of clay-soil that is "mined" by backhoe. The creek itself is nothing much, but it has undercut the hillside so you can see the layers, and the site is rich in biodiversity with hundreds of species represented. The only catch is, the shells and such have not been mineralized, so they are sometimes quite fragile.
It was a sunny and warm day, and we spend a couple of hours at the site, then hauled for lunch and drive home. Clouded up and started to spit rain before we got back, not a great thing since the river hasn't crested and flood warnings are a daily thing. That evening we had a family get-together for my wife's youngest aunt (her mom's baby sister) which was kind of nice. The family is huge, with many cousins who are grown, and their kids. One cousin-in-law may have some part-time work organizing his law office over the summer. The office is just him and a partner - if work picks up they might hire my wife part or full time as office help, which would really help make ends meet and take some pressure off me as the bread-winner.
Overnight the storms set in. Thunder at 4am, continued through the day until about 3pm when the sirens started again. But it didn't really rain that much, even, or get windy. Just dark. Cooked a nice supper for mother-in-law and aunt-in-law (and of course my wife and daughter) which was greatly appreciated. Just baked chicken (brined to keep it moist), pan-roasted cauliflower (with some Rogan Josh sprinkled), vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries (chopped, sugared with a dash of vanilla). Relaxing.
Yes, in all this I got papers graded, but not input. Motivation is severely lacking, even though I am not quite sure whether the "non-renewal" recommendation is a death sentence for my career. I suppose it is possible that HR could find me a spot at another school, but I am pretty sure this mark on my file is enough to keep any but the most desperate from taking me on. And since it is the most desperate cutting me loose, it doesn't look good.
It was a sunny and warm day, and we spend a couple of hours at the site, then hauled for lunch and drive home. Clouded up and started to spit rain before we got back, not a great thing since the river hasn't crested and flood warnings are a daily thing. That evening we had a family get-together for my wife's youngest aunt (her mom's baby sister) which was kind of nice. The family is huge, with many cousins who are grown, and their kids. One cousin-in-law may have some part-time work organizing his law office over the summer. The office is just him and a partner - if work picks up they might hire my wife part or full time as office help, which would really help make ends meet and take some pressure off me as the bread-winner.
Overnight the storms set in. Thunder at 4am, continued through the day until about 3pm when the sirens started again. But it didn't really rain that much, even, or get windy. Just dark. Cooked a nice supper for mother-in-law and aunt-in-law (and of course my wife and daughter) which was greatly appreciated. Just baked chicken (brined to keep it moist), pan-roasted cauliflower (with some Rogan Josh sprinkled), vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries (chopped, sugared with a dash of vanilla). Relaxing.
Yes, in all this I got papers graded, but not input. Motivation is severely lacking, even though I am not quite sure whether the "non-renewal" recommendation is a death sentence for my career. I suppose it is possible that HR could find me a spot at another school, but I am pretty sure this mark on my file is enough to keep any but the most desperate from taking me on. And since it is the most desperate cutting me loose, it doesn't look good.
Friday, April 29, 2011
And....That's a Wrap
Got a knock on the door during my 5th period today - an office floater to look after my class while I go to see the principal. I figured (correctly) that it was my summative review, since it is overdue, and the principal was eager to complete the paperwork on my final observation last week.
I was right. And wrong at the same time. The review was basically:
You are a first year teacher with the County (which means they treat me like I don't know anything, require me to go to "new" teacher development), but you hold a professional license, so we expect all your performance to be in the Advanced area. The principal had scored me Proficient in all areas, except for two. These two had nothing to do with classroom observation, but stem from incidents where he was told I said things, felt I was too loud or spoke improperly to students, and those areas were marked Unsatisfactory.
Long story short, he is forwarding my file to Human Resources with a recommendation of "Non-Renewal" which in effect means I am out of a job. Again. Spoke briefly with my mentor teacher who wants me to gather my observation reviews (which are all rated A or B, and should jibe with the rest of my review) and talk about my options.
I am kind of numb. Not sure if I am relieved to not be a teacher (part of me is), anxious because I have 3-4 months to find a new career, or just completely apathetic until things sink in. Right now apathy holds the day.
I was right. And wrong at the same time. The review was basically:
You are a first year teacher with the County (which means they treat me like I don't know anything, require me to go to "new" teacher development), but you hold a professional license, so we expect all your performance to be in the Advanced area. The principal had scored me Proficient in all areas, except for two. These two had nothing to do with classroom observation, but stem from incidents where he was told I said things, felt I was too loud or spoke improperly to students, and those areas were marked Unsatisfactory.
Long story short, he is forwarding my file to Human Resources with a recommendation of "Non-Renewal" which in effect means I am out of a job. Again. Spoke briefly with my mentor teacher who wants me to gather my observation reviews (which are all rated A or B, and should jibe with the rest of my review) and talk about my options.
I am kind of numb. Not sure if I am relieved to not be a teacher (part of me is), anxious because I have 3-4 months to find a new career, or just completely apathetic until things sink in. Right now apathy holds the day.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Stormy Weather
Three days in a row, and three weeks in a row. Tornado alerts prompting kids to assume the storm position in the halls. And yesterday they didn't take it seriously and several refused to cooperate, sitting up or talking. One boy even told me he wanted a tornado to hit. When I asked him if he wasn't concerned about people, including himself, being hurt or killed he told me "he had Jesus." Ohhhh kay.
When I got home, I let the dogs out normally, nothing clued me in to anything out of the ordinary until I noticed no light on the answering machine. Which prompted me to check the clock on the stove, which told me power had been out for an hour. Then the phone rang, and I walked up the street where an apparent tornado had touched down, across the street from my daughter's school (where she was staying late for Drama Club), uprooting multiple trees in a 200 yard long path. Fun.
Power was back on by 6:30, but the trivia league was called off because the staff couldn't get there (lots of traffic lights were out).
Today is clear and cool, and should stay that way, with decent weather through the weekend. But the ugly news from further south just reinforces the idea that "this is not a drill."
When I got home, I let the dogs out normally, nothing clued me in to anything out of the ordinary until I noticed no light on the answering machine. Which prompted me to check the clock on the stove, which told me power had been out for an hour. Then the phone rang, and I walked up the street where an apparent tornado had touched down, across the street from my daughter's school (where she was staying late for Drama Club), uprooting multiple trees in a 200 yard long path. Fun.
Power was back on by 6:30, but the trivia league was called off because the staff couldn't get there (lots of traffic lights were out).
Today is clear and cool, and should stay that way, with decent weather through the weekend. But the ugly news from further south just reinforces the idea that "this is not a drill."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Class from Hell
Every teacher has one. It is the one period that they look forward to the least, in fact may dread, and clock-watch just to endure. Mine is my 4th period, which is interrupted by lunch. They come in, get started on bellwork and then line up for lunch. Most can't/won't line up quietly or walk quietly to the cafeteria.
On the way back, usually several of them group at the cafeteria door instead of getting in line. When asked, they ignore me, talk back, or deliberately do the opposite. We have a bathroom break on the way back - they play and take inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. Once back in the room we have several types (and sometimes more than one of each type) of disrupters:
The Blurter - will say out loud whatever comes into his head. Sometimes will raise a hand to decoy me into calling on him, to get a question completely unrelated to the lesson. When told not to do this, gives either a loud, whiny "WHAT!?!" or starts in on how his parents told him to....etc.
The Disrespector - no matter how many times they are reminded of rules, they break them, and when reminded, usually express some sort of shock and make a comment or noise. Example - Please stop talking. "Ugh" "OMG" "RRRR" with a hand passed across the face and pulling at the mouth as if exerting some supernatural power not to speak, which they have already done.
The Disobedient - When given a consequence, such as a detention, this child announces loudly "I don't care", followed by "I'm not gonna go anyhow", which is answered by laughter from the rest of the class.
The Ignorer - No matter how many reminders, this child will just keep doing the behavior, whether it is talking, getting up for whatever reason, crouching in the seat with feet on the chair, writing a note to somebody, etc.
Now, this class has had the pleasure of visits from the guidance counselor (who has called multiple parents, as have I), the Assistant Principal, the Principal, several other teachers, all to let them know the score, and how to behave. To no avail. Yesterday I wrote on the dry erase board the day and time of a class-wide detention to make up the missed work due to disruption, unless they could behave in yesterday's and today's class. Guess what happened. Great behavior? Nope - constant complaints, 12-year olds telling me I can't do this, requests to go "tell on me" to the principal, etc. One (useless) exemplary teacher told them to write their complaints down "but not in this class" - which caused several to whip out paper and pencil right then and there. By the end of class, I had the Assistant Principal in, who in no uncertain terms told them I had every right to give them detention for anything I wanted, and I didn't have to give them a reason or listen to arguments. That won't stop them from arguing, and some of my students have complained to me that the disruptive ones are keeping them from learning. But unless I get some sort of backup, other than talk, from above, it will just keep happening. Frustrating. Surely
On the weather side of things, Memphis has been blessed with three days of severe weather. We haven't lost power, and no trees or limbs down near us. But it is pretty soggy out there.
On the way back, usually several of them group at the cafeteria door instead of getting in line. When asked, they ignore me, talk back, or deliberately do the opposite. We have a bathroom break on the way back - they play and take inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. Once back in the room we have several types (and sometimes more than one of each type) of disrupters:
The Blurter - will say out loud whatever comes into his head. Sometimes will raise a hand to decoy me into calling on him, to get a question completely unrelated to the lesson. When told not to do this, gives either a loud, whiny "WHAT!?!" or starts in on how his parents told him to....etc.
The Disrespector - no matter how many times they are reminded of rules, they break them, and when reminded, usually express some sort of shock and make a comment or noise. Example - Please stop talking. "Ugh" "OMG" "RRRR" with a hand passed across the face and pulling at the mouth as if exerting some supernatural power not to speak, which they have already done.
The Disobedient - When given a consequence, such as a detention, this child announces loudly "I don't care", followed by "I'm not gonna go anyhow", which is answered by laughter from the rest of the class.
The Ignorer - No matter how many reminders, this child will just keep doing the behavior, whether it is talking, getting up for whatever reason, crouching in the seat with feet on the chair, writing a note to somebody, etc.
Now, this class has had the pleasure of visits from the guidance counselor (who has called multiple parents, as have I), the Assistant Principal, the Principal, several other teachers, all to let them know the score, and how to behave. To no avail. Yesterday I wrote on the dry erase board the day and time of a class-wide detention to make up the missed work due to disruption, unless they could behave in yesterday's and today's class. Guess what happened. Great behavior? Nope - constant complaints, 12-year olds telling me I can't do this, requests to go "tell on me" to the principal, etc. One (useless) exemplary teacher told them to write their complaints down "but not in this class" - which caused several to whip out paper and pencil right then and there. By the end of class, I had the Assistant Principal in, who in no uncertain terms told them I had every right to give them detention for anything I wanted, and I didn't have to give them a reason or listen to arguments. That won't stop them from arguing, and some of my students have complained to me that the disruptive ones are keeping them from learning. But unless I get some sort of backup, other than talk, from above, it will just keep happening. Frustrating. Surely
On the weather side of things, Memphis has been blessed with three days of severe weather. We haven't lost power, and no trees or limbs down near us. But it is pretty soggy out there.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Easter Musings
The day went pretty well, with a load of family at my (pregnant) sister-in-law's house up the street. She usually hosts, but this year we heated the ham at our place and everybody brought something to ease her burden. Turns out she went to the doctor yesterday (Catholic schools had the day off) and has an ear infection on top of everything. Fun. But on Sunday we all relaxed and watched a movie (RED).
Monday at school was less than I had expected. I have another strong week prepared, with squares, square roots and the Pythagorean Theorem - all 7th grade concepts (plus, unknown to the kids, homework from the 7th grade book). Most kids said it was easy, even though I held back calculators, which due to the square and square root buttons make this a trivial bit of homework. Lots of kids out, one rumored to have moved (go figure with 5 weeks of school left), and a mid-day tornado alert. Duck and cover. Maybe some of them won't come back today, as the weather is supposed to be just as bad.
Monday at school was less than I had expected. I have another strong week prepared, with squares, square roots and the Pythagorean Theorem - all 7th grade concepts (plus, unknown to the kids, homework from the 7th grade book). Most kids said it was easy, even though I held back calculators, which due to the square and square root buttons make this a trivial bit of homework. Lots of kids out, one rumored to have moved (go figure with 5 weeks of school left), and a mid-day tornado alert. Duck and cover. Maybe some of them won't come back today, as the weather is supposed to be just as bad.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Avoidance
I knew I hadn't been back here in a while, but to see my last post was Monday means I am slipping. Maybe subconsciously, dunno. Lots of interesting things going on in my life, thankfully nothing too major.
Therapist has put me on a less than weekly schedule now that I have shown some progress in not taking on the problems of others. Big high-five there. And I can tell when I am doing it, too. Still get frustrated, but at least I can allow the more rational part of my brain overrule the emotional, end-of-the-world panic part.
School was school. The principal observed me on Tuesday, and the class was well behaved, which meant my lesson didn't fill the whole class - I usually build in about 10 minutes for classroom management. Wednesday I took every class to the science lab for measuring shadows to find the height of an object. We would have gone outside, but it wasn't quite sunny enough for shadows. Again, I didn't stress when the kids didn't quite cooperate or do as much as I had hoped. Any progress is good progress. And the principal dropped in, and asked me to finish the paperwork from the day before so we can meet and discuss the observation. I think he was under time pressure, since Thursday he asked me to stop by before I left (which I had to exercise positive thinking) and we went over the observation. It was fine, made me more hopeful that things will go well in the next year.
On the family front, older daughter lost her job cooking at the Cheeburger Cheeburger in Brooklyn. Not her fault - it seems the owner/manager has been letting a lot of people go, to replace them with newer hires (not a money saving thing, since she was making minimum wage), but with her he never told her she was fired. She showed up to check her hours, had none, and then was told. She may have even worked a shift for them after they had "fired" her...pay is in dispute, but she has some native Brooklynites on the case. She has also fired off a very well written email to corporate headquarters, letting them know how this franchisee is affecting their brand image. Or her godmother's fiancee could explain it to them in a different sort of language - he is my age, over 6 feet and works for Sanitation. 'nuff said.
Easter tomorrow. Got a ham. Torn about attending Easter Vigil tonight, but will probably go, as I have a streak going that I don't really want to break over the current malaise in my life. Haven't missed a vigil since I converted, and next year I might feel much more positive about religion.
Therapist has put me on a less than weekly schedule now that I have shown some progress in not taking on the problems of others. Big high-five there. And I can tell when I am doing it, too. Still get frustrated, but at least I can allow the more rational part of my brain overrule the emotional, end-of-the-world panic part.
School was school. The principal observed me on Tuesday, and the class was well behaved, which meant my lesson didn't fill the whole class - I usually build in about 10 minutes for classroom management. Wednesday I took every class to the science lab for measuring shadows to find the height of an object. We would have gone outside, but it wasn't quite sunny enough for shadows. Again, I didn't stress when the kids didn't quite cooperate or do as much as I had hoped. Any progress is good progress. And the principal dropped in, and asked me to finish the paperwork from the day before so we can meet and discuss the observation. I think he was under time pressure, since Thursday he asked me to stop by before I left (which I had to exercise positive thinking) and we went over the observation. It was fine, made me more hopeful that things will go well in the next year.
On the family front, older daughter lost her job cooking at the Cheeburger Cheeburger in Brooklyn. Not her fault - it seems the owner/manager has been letting a lot of people go, to replace them with newer hires (not a money saving thing, since she was making minimum wage), but with her he never told her she was fired. She showed up to check her hours, had none, and then was told. She may have even worked a shift for them after they had "fired" her...pay is in dispute, but she has some native Brooklynites on the case. She has also fired off a very well written email to corporate headquarters, letting them know how this franchisee is affecting their brand image. Or her godmother's fiancee could explain it to them in a different sort of language - he is my age, over 6 feet and works for Sanitation. 'nuff said.
Easter tomorrow. Got a ham. Torn about attending Easter Vigil tonight, but will probably go, as I have a streak going that I don't really want to break over the current malaise in my life. Haven't missed a vigil since I converted, and next year I might feel much more positive about religion.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Headache
Two days running now. Migraine strength pain relievers dent it, but nothing stops it, including the actual migraine pills the doctor hit me with. Pain is bad enough to make me nauseated, just want to lie down. Got some nice sweats with it, too. Cue Arnohld voice "it's not a toomah"
Day 1 of 4 this week. Lesson went passably well, except for one section where the internet crapped out and I couldn't show a particular video segment. Going to see if I can't download them on the PC so I can just play them (fullscreen) for the kids. And principal will be observing me at some point tomorrow, which means lesson plans, pre-observation writing, and then a post-observation reflection, and the inevitable summative, at which point I get to find out what the principal REALLY thinks of me. ooooh fun fun fun.
Now to lie down before I throw up.
Day 1 of 4 this week. Lesson went passably well, except for one section where the internet crapped out and I couldn't show a particular video segment. Going to see if I can't download them on the PC so I can just play them (fullscreen) for the kids. And principal will be observing me at some point tomorrow, which means lesson plans, pre-observation writing, and then a post-observation reflection, and the inevitable summative, at which point I get to find out what the principal REALLY thinks of me. ooooh fun fun fun.
Now to lie down before I throw up.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Week in Recap
TCAP recap. heh. Standing, walking, looking over shoulders, shuttling tissues, picking up dropped papers and pencils. It takes a lot out of you. And the afternoons where the kids don't feel they need to learn or behave. And Friday, the worst, since the kids EXPECTED a party (even though the administration discouraged it, and like a little sheep I went along) but couldn't actually connect the concept to that of behavior. I was ready, though, to call my wife and have her swing by the Kroger and get $20 of drinks, chips, candy, etc. and bring them in before 2pm. But the kids were abominable. To the point where I have called several parents this weekend to ask their help in controlling their kids when they are in my class/homeroom. Yep, it is mainly my homeroom kids, acting out, talking constantly, talking back, then complaining because they "never get to do anything fun." Completely ignoring the fact that I have been urging them to create a coat-of-arms to qualify for a day out of school to attend a Memphis in May event. 100 kids will go from grades 6-8. I spelled out the rules, gave them the rubric so they could see how it would be scored and asked them to create a rough draft before I gave them the actual sheet to fill in. Half the kids lost the rubric/rules the first day. On Thursday when I finally gave them the crest, with smartboard outline so they could see what went where (because they didn't read the instructions), so many complained that they only had a day to do it....*ARGH* And then I think I got 4 or 5 out of a class of 25, few of which were what I would classify as "quality work." But they will go by default.
Decompressing over the weekend. Younger had Solo and Ensemble on Saturday morning, then we went to the Nature Center's annual plant sale (twice, as prices go to half after 2pm) and got an agave (yay tequila), two beautyberry trees, a Mexican sage, a black raspberry and a tomato plant (a weird dark red/black heirloom...fun stuff). Today was lazy day, with the usual chores, and prepping for the short week (Good Friday by default - at least I don't have to burn a personal day). Trying not to think ahead more than a day or so - eyes on the clock to quitting time - not thinking about the final observation/review/evaluation that probably won't happen for a while if at all (well, it HAS to happen, but I have low expectations). This week = short week. Next week is a "normal" week. The first week of May there are a couple of days where kids will be doing other things, such as a fund-raising carnival (think chaos) and the aforementioned trip to Memphis in May (which I would liked to have had more than half of my class attend, but alas, they do not cooperate). The week after that is my Jury Duty week (hopefully more than a day or two), then we are in the two-week cooldown to the end of it all. When I spell it out like this it doesn't sound half bad.
Deep breaths. Summer soon. Job hunt? Re-prepare for next year with lots more confidence and an actual plan? Time will tell.
Decompressing over the weekend. Younger had Solo and Ensemble on Saturday morning, then we went to the Nature Center's annual plant sale (twice, as prices go to half after 2pm) and got an agave (yay tequila), two beautyberry trees, a Mexican sage, a black raspberry and a tomato plant (a weird dark red/black heirloom...fun stuff). Today was lazy day, with the usual chores, and prepping for the short week (Good Friday by default - at least I don't have to burn a personal day). Trying not to think ahead more than a day or so - eyes on the clock to quitting time - not thinking about the final observation/review/evaluation that probably won't happen for a while if at all (well, it HAS to happen, but I have low expectations). This week = short week. Next week is a "normal" week. The first week of May there are a couple of days where kids will be doing other things, such as a fund-raising carnival (think chaos) and the aforementioned trip to Memphis in May (which I would liked to have had more than half of my class attend, but alas, they do not cooperate). The week after that is my Jury Duty week (hopefully more than a day or two), then we are in the two-week cooldown to the end of it all. When I spell it out like this it doesn't sound half bad.
Deep breaths. Summer soon. Job hunt? Re-prepare for next year with lots more confidence and an actual plan? Time will tell.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Proctor is "in"
If there is anything more boring than properly (stressing this word) proctoring an exam, I have yet to find it. According to the rules, I need to be on my feet, constantly moving around the room, making sure the kids don't bubble in the wrong areas, go farther (or back) in the book, not provide any help, not look at any of the questions, etc. It is tiring, since I literally change my spot every 2-3 minutes. And there is not much of anything to do. The kids do actually take it seriously, and mostly concentrate. But when they finish 10-15 minutes early, it is harder to instill a sense of community in them to be quiet and not fidget. In 6th grade they still haven't learned how to go back and re-read and check their answers, or they are just not responsible enough to care.
Two sections down - today is math. And the behavior in the afternoons is terrible, as they let off the pent up whatever from the restrained mornings. But with my mantra of "don't take this on as a personal problem" I am weathering things.
Trivia last night was again fun, but frustrating. Annoying team near us. Two players short. Still was in first before the final question, which we got right, but bet nothing and had two teams beat us by a single point. We will still definitely qualify for the tournament coming up in a couple of months.
Two sections down - today is math. And the behavior in the afternoons is terrible, as they let off the pent up whatever from the restrained mornings. But with my mantra of "don't take this on as a personal problem" I am weathering things.
Trivia last night was again fun, but frustrating. Annoying team near us. Two players short. Still was in first before the final question, which we got right, but bet nothing and had two teams beat us by a single point. We will still definitely qualify for the tournament coming up in a couple of months.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Mental Block
There was a weekend in there somewhere. A weekend with lots of errand running (none of it mine, but someone has a need to be accompanied), lawn work (which I still can't seem to complete without physical exhaustion) and getting ready for the week in school. Still shirking entering test/quiz grades, but everything else is in there. Maybe I will get caught up this week, with TCAP beginning today, following a wasteful day yesterday. Why have a "pep" rally for a test? It is just an excuse to get the kids riled up.
Also my morning routine has been slightly upset with a request for help on a project of the wife's. She is working on a knitting book, and for the past 2 months has asked me to write some of the instructions. I don't know how to knit, but have discovered that my math brain translates the patterns quite well, and I can do them rather quickly. The catch is, she never gave me any patterns until Saturday, then Monday asked me how many I had done. So I spent yesterday morning slogging through a few more, out of both guilt and a sense of responsibility, even though I recognize it is not really MY problem.
Today's goal - clear out a few lingering, easily and quickly done little things - like mailing in a couple of forms, calling my dad and granddad.
Also my morning routine has been slightly upset with a request for help on a project of the wife's. She is working on a knitting book, and for the past 2 months has asked me to write some of the instructions. I don't know how to knit, but have discovered that my math brain translates the patterns quite well, and I can do them rather quickly. The catch is, she never gave me any patterns until Saturday, then Monday asked me how many I had done. So I spent yesterday morning slogging through a few more, out of both guilt and a sense of responsibility, even though I recognize it is not really MY problem.
Today's goal - clear out a few lingering, easily and quickly done little things - like mailing in a couple of forms, calling my dad and granddad.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Finally
End of the week. Crazy-ish week. But just about over. Which is good, as I woke up with sinus congestion. Not the kind in my nose, the kind in my ears. Weather is warm and will be in the upper 80s, which is a precursor to a hot summer, fast.
I spent a good bit of yesterday reminding myself that my students' behavior is not my problem, it is theirs. Not taking ownership, and not feeling responsible was interesting, and I am actually sort of believing it. It certainly made a few things and behaviors easier to let go with a warning rather than trying to change it right then and there.
So there is today, which is Friday, which should be easy to coast through. Some papers to grade over the weekend, some grades to invent/input so the kids know where they stand. Then Monday is the calm before the four-day test, which is actually only mornings for four days, with the afternoons an eggshell walk to make sure you don't accidentally teach something that might be on the test, but not showing movies. A fine line, with the kids keyed up.
I spent a good bit of yesterday reminding myself that my students' behavior is not my problem, it is theirs. Not taking ownership, and not feeling responsible was interesting, and I am actually sort of believing it. It certainly made a few things and behaviors easier to let go with a warning rather than trying to change it right then and there.
So there is today, which is Friday, which should be easy to coast through. Some papers to grade over the weekend, some grades to invent/input so the kids know where they stand. Then Monday is the calm before the four-day test, which is actually only mornings for four days, with the afternoons an eggshell walk to make sure you don't accidentally teach something that might be on the test, but not showing movies. A fine line, with the kids keyed up.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Less Crazy is not the same as Not Crazy
Today was better, thanks to some helpful advice and perspective from my new therapist (who was told by Cigna that I had canceled my policy with them, which is patently untrue, just another ploy to keep from paying legitimate claims). Plus the fact that the middle school has had several fights this week and a healthy handful of my problem students are cooling their heels until TCAP.
And from the stories from my teacher friends at trivia, the whole system has had fights. I think it is spring, it is the stress of test anticipation, it is all kinds of things. Just that time of year, that stage of development etc.
And once that test is over, chaos will reign. Thankfully, that week will be a short one (Good Friday), and then begins the countdown to jury duty and the end of school. Which is a smoother thing than in the city - kids end on Thursday, teachers on Friday instead of bringing us back after Memorial Day. And most kids will have stopped coming to school that week, anyhow.
And from the stories from my teacher friends at trivia, the whole system has had fights. I think it is spring, it is the stress of test anticipation, it is all kinds of things. Just that time of year, that stage of development etc.
And once that test is over, chaos will reign. Thankfully, that week will be a short one (Good Friday), and then begins the countdown to jury duty and the end of school. Which is a smoother thing than in the city - kids end on Thursday, teachers on Friday instead of bringing us back after Memorial Day. And most kids will have stopped coming to school that week, anyhow.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Not lost
Just tired. Way way tired. Yesterday was another "interesting" day as we got to herd our students into the halls to assume the position for a tornado (which touched down less than a mile away). Which led to another near mutiny in my worst class, that missed a test last week and then had a shortened class today. Working really hard on not taking it all personally - small goals, small victories.
And here we are, less than a week from the BIG TEST. I don't care much, which is actually a positive development. I will do what I can. And not worry about what I have no control over - student behavior (unless it becomes dangerous), school politics, government intrusion. Beyond that, smooth sailing.
Lots of trees down from yesterday, some people still without power. Not us for a change, though.
Did I mention worn out? I actually sat down a couple of times today because I didn't have the strength to stay standing. I think my stress meter is stuck on high, and it is burning out the energy from my body.
And here we are, less than a week from the BIG TEST. I don't care much, which is actually a positive development. I will do what I can. And not worry about what I have no control over - student behavior (unless it becomes dangerous), school politics, government intrusion. Beyond that, smooth sailing.
Lots of trees down from yesterday, some people still without power. Not us for a change, though.
Did I mention worn out? I actually sat down a couple of times today because I didn't have the strength to stay standing. I think my stress meter is stuck on high, and it is burning out the energy from my body.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Crazy Day
And lazy, too. Nice weather, but wasn't outside too much. Spent a nice lunch with most of the women of the family, including 4 week old Scarlet. She slept. Then to the AT&T store to add my mother in law to our plan, since it will save her money over getting her own contract. And while there we also got me a soon-to-be obsolete 3G iPhone. The salesperson was great, though, and I get a 15% discount on my service (I think for the whole contract) for being a teacher with the county. So it was kind of a financial wash.
Youngest got her hair cut and straightened. Oldest (in NYC) took the color out of the front of her hair, then dyed it blue, but forgot some important steps and blued her face, too. Oops. As far as my hair, still smoothing my head, trimmed the beard some.
Looks like Monday I will talk with the Principal and eat a little crow. Don't think I will get him to believe it was a very well acted and elaborate April Fool's prank.
Youngest got her hair cut and straightened. Oldest (in NYC) took the color out of the front of her hair, then dyed it blue, but forgot some important steps and blued her face, too. Oops. As far as my hair, still smoothing my head, trimmed the beard some.
Looks like Monday I will talk with the Principal and eat a little crow. Don't think I will get him to believe it was a very well acted and elaborate April Fool's prank.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I Went and Did it
After nearly a full week, I went and lost my mind during my most challenging class - the nightmare after lunch. I have one kid who is a tattletale (I need to go tell on you to Mr. Bates), another who can't shut up (whose parents were in this week, but who let slip today he doesn't/can't live with his mom), one who is so hyperactive he can't stay in his seat, but can't quite fathom why I have a problem with that, one who is flamboyant but whose mother doesn't want him to be around girls, one who is overly aggressive and lies to her parents, even in conferences with teachers...the list goes on and on. They punch my buttons, and I feel bad for the six or seven who are really there to learn.
Anyhow, today I just got so fed up, after having the guidance counselor speak to them more than 3 times, the police officer just talked to them on Monday, and today they wasted nearly the whole period on chatter - one would start and kick-start three others who prompted another bunch to chime in...etc. I tossed my badge on a table and threw open the door, saw an administrator down the hall and told her to look after my class, and I might be back later to claim my badge.
This led to some cooling off time in the office and about an hour with the principal talking about my shortcomings (most of which I knew), some scuttlebut from adults on the hall (which was patently false), and a request that I take the weekend to chill out and think about my next steps. Which were clear to me - stick out the next six weeks then never come back.
Then I ran into a teacher I admire and trust. And she does the same to me. Plus she is on WAY more anti-depressants than I am. And we chatted a bit, then went into a classroom with two of the other white male teachers and they filled me in on how many times they lost it in their first year, kicking desks, etc. Which made me feel a lot less alone, and outside of everything. And they were open and honest in a way that most teachers aren't, and it was a nice sort of fellowship - a place where I feel welcome and can get good advice. Including the fact that first-year teachers don't usually get let go - the policy is to give them a second chance, at least. So I won't be fired, even if I am not a fit. So I should stay put and make the best of things for at least another year. Since the state legislature just passed an increase in the tenure period, I don't know if that is 2 more or 4 more years of staying put, but these friends also told me I don't have to go back to school for a High School Math endorsement. I just have to pass the Praxis, which for me should be about as easy as having a panic attack.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. From a stable week to a nightmare, to a resolution, all in a short day.
Anyhow, today I just got so fed up, after having the guidance counselor speak to them more than 3 times, the police officer just talked to them on Monday, and today they wasted nearly the whole period on chatter - one would start and kick-start three others who prompted another bunch to chime in...etc. I tossed my badge on a table and threw open the door, saw an administrator down the hall and told her to look after my class, and I might be back later to claim my badge.
This led to some cooling off time in the office and about an hour with the principal talking about my shortcomings (most of which I knew), some scuttlebut from adults on the hall (which was patently false), and a request that I take the weekend to chill out and think about my next steps. Which were clear to me - stick out the next six weeks then never come back.
Then I ran into a teacher I admire and trust. And she does the same to me. Plus she is on WAY more anti-depressants than I am. And we chatted a bit, then went into a classroom with two of the other white male teachers and they filled me in on how many times they lost it in their first year, kicking desks, etc. Which made me feel a lot less alone, and outside of everything. And they were open and honest in a way that most teachers aren't, and it was a nice sort of fellowship - a place where I feel welcome and can get good advice. Including the fact that first-year teachers don't usually get let go - the policy is to give them a second chance, at least. So I won't be fired, even if I am not a fit. So I should stay put and make the best of things for at least another year. Since the state legislature just passed an increase in the tenure period, I don't know if that is 2 more or 4 more years of staying put, but these friends also told me I don't have to go back to school for a High School Math endorsement. I just have to pass the Praxis, which for me should be about as easy as having a panic attack.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. From a stable week to a nightmare, to a resolution, all in a short day.
It Just Doesn't Matter
Looks like I will get an entire week out of my "I don't care" phase, at least. Still not getting my buttons pushed by students who try to act adult, disrupt, talk, not follow directions or generally just be the asshats I have come to expect. Today is planned - mini-tests with TCAP review on the smartboard - some of which we experimented with yesterday.
Yesterday, though, was the bombshell. Meeting during our planning period to discuss the latest test data. Mind you, these tests were given 6 weeks ago. We were originally told to give them as paper tests, to get the kids used to bubbling in answers (really!), but the paper tests arrived too late. We teachers looked at the data the day after the test was finalized, but the administration waited until less than 2 weeks before the test to share with us their plans. Basically, they have decided that the achievement gap is close enough in Reading/Language Arts to warrant a heavy 6-day push on "bubble kids" who are near to Proficient. As far as Math goes, last year only 16% scored Proficient or higher (a statistic I am hearing for the FIRST TIME), and the goal is 39%, so there is no reason to try to move that needle.
I am dumbfounded. I have been driving myself into a nervous breakdown trying to prepare these kids, despite obstacles in their prior knowledge, behavior and attitude. I put a huge burden on myself and now, six days before the big test, I am told not only that the goal was probably impossible from the start, but they are not even going to focus on Math. Why was I bothering? At least now the pressure is off - even a single point gain will be significant - and you can be damn sure I will take the credit. But if there is no gain, or a drop, I shouldn't be accountable, although state law disagrees and I will still be responsible (to the tune of half of my evaluation).
I have been hearing my same feelings about discipline voiced by others in the building, especially in the Middle School - teachers with a decade of experience who can manage things. They are having disobedience, disrespect, outright defiance. And the pattern seems to be - This is an elementary school (hence the name) with 6th, 7th and 8th grades. The administration wants the middle school to be lambs like the lower grades. They don't want to implement a different policy, different rules and different consequences than the little ones. And that won't work. And it isn't working. But with a first year principal, following two other one-year principals, his mind is on his job - mainly keeping it. Which means keeping office referrals down, suspensions down (since they are reported to the board) and parents happy. Which means throwing teachers to the wolves if it makes the parents happy, or returning discipline problems to the classroom, or sending them to in-school-suspension for a day, rather than a meaningful out-of-school suspension. And the kids are aware of it, and take advantage of it.
Yesterday, though, was the bombshell. Meeting during our planning period to discuss the latest test data. Mind you, these tests were given 6 weeks ago. We were originally told to give them as paper tests, to get the kids used to bubbling in answers (really!), but the paper tests arrived too late. We teachers looked at the data the day after the test was finalized, but the administration waited until less than 2 weeks before the test to share with us their plans. Basically, they have decided that the achievement gap is close enough in Reading/Language Arts to warrant a heavy 6-day push on "bubble kids" who are near to Proficient. As far as Math goes, last year only 16% scored Proficient or higher (a statistic I am hearing for the FIRST TIME), and the goal is 39%, so there is no reason to try to move that needle.
I am dumbfounded. I have been driving myself into a nervous breakdown trying to prepare these kids, despite obstacles in their prior knowledge, behavior and attitude. I put a huge burden on myself and now, six days before the big test, I am told not only that the goal was probably impossible from the start, but they are not even going to focus on Math. Why was I bothering? At least now the pressure is off - even a single point gain will be significant - and you can be damn sure I will take the credit. But if there is no gain, or a drop, I shouldn't be accountable, although state law disagrees and I will still be responsible (to the tune of half of my evaluation).
I have been hearing my same feelings about discipline voiced by others in the building, especially in the Middle School - teachers with a decade of experience who can manage things. They are having disobedience, disrespect, outright defiance. And the pattern seems to be - This is an elementary school (hence the name) with 6th, 7th and 8th grades. The administration wants the middle school to be lambs like the lower grades. They don't want to implement a different policy, different rules and different consequences than the little ones. And that won't work. And it isn't working. But with a first year principal, following two other one-year principals, his mind is on his job - mainly keeping it. Which means keeping office referrals down, suspensions down (since they are reported to the board) and parents happy. Which means throwing teachers to the wolves if it makes the parents happy, or returning discipline problems to the classroom, or sending them to in-school-suspension for a day, rather than a meaningful out-of-school suspension. And the kids are aware of it, and take advantage of it.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Still OK
Another day, another bunch of unruly students, another parent with a misbehaving child that wants a meeting "with an administrator present." Ho hum. Not bothering me. I am teaching, doing my best, letting the students know I am not here to baby them, but to teach them, and I won't let them stop me. Which means some are finally getting the message and toning down their behavior, if it is in their control. Others are getting phone calls or emails to parents saying "we are less than 2 weeks from TCAP and I don't have the time or energy to devote to a child who is still misbehaving this late in the year." I wish I had the power to boot them.
Today, my Enriched class (smarter, working out of the 7th grade book) had a crayon tossing event. Just two of them, but they have been throwing things all year and I haven't caught them. But today one of the chunks of crayon matched EXACTLY, down to the paper, another similar chunk in his pencil box. Somebody had the audacity to complain it wasn't fair (and most probably because the victim, who I saw shoving one of the kids, is a light skinned Hispanic boy who is not macho, but sensitive), so I convened court, heard witnesses, and made a judgment. And still got the lesson to the kids.
Third day of the week, third day without a mid-day dose of calmative. I hope it is out of my system, but right now everything is rolling off me, and I am not caring. But making progress and doing my best, which is way more than some of the students deserve.
Today, my Enriched class (smarter, working out of the 7th grade book) had a crayon tossing event. Just two of them, but they have been throwing things all year and I haven't caught them. But today one of the chunks of crayon matched EXACTLY, down to the paper, another similar chunk in his pencil box. Somebody had the audacity to complain it wasn't fair (and most probably because the victim, who I saw shoving one of the kids, is a light skinned Hispanic boy who is not macho, but sensitive), so I convened court, heard witnesses, and made a judgment. And still got the lesson to the kids.
Third day of the week, third day without a mid-day dose of calmative. I hope it is out of my system, but right now everything is rolling off me, and I am not caring. But making progress and doing my best, which is way more than some of the students deserve.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Nowhere to go but up
Yesterday and today went rather well. I had a bad spell on Sunday and was dreading going back to school, but I slogged through tons of grading, did everything I could do to prepare and had a day where I again managed to teach two similar topics in a single 50 minute period, with the kids getting it. Not easy concepts either, but area of parallelograms and triangles.
Today was more potential dread, but I slept OK and went in early to prepare the math lab activity (making different triangles from lengths of drinking straws, and learning that the two shorter sides of a triangle must add to be longer than the third side). Planning period I met with the parents of the "asthma boy" from last week, and stayed calm and professional, and I actually liked them.
Some classes did better than others in small groups, but every class managed to "get it" to some degree, and we reviewed a sample problem on the theorem so they would know what it was about when they saw it. I know I can do a lot better next year, utilizing resources better and preparing the kids from day 1 for the test, rather than the typical cramming during the 3rd quarter. Yes, I said next year. If I make it through to the end of the year and they want me back, I will probably do it. Despite the anticipated 6 reviews, and the negativity being put on teachers. But I reserve the right to change my mind, maybe even several times between now and then.
I think I wore out my worry button, because I have been way too calm the past couple of days, and not been taking my usual lunchtime dose of Chemical X. Has my subconscious come to grips with the fact that I can be less than "perfect" and nobody will notice? Have I allowed myself to bask in a job well done, even if it means I didn't get a concept across to every student (even one is a success). Dunno. But I feel better over the past 2 days. And soon it will be April, a month that is mentally much better. And soon after comes May and the end of school. I should make it.
Today was more potential dread, but I slept OK and went in early to prepare the math lab activity (making different triangles from lengths of drinking straws, and learning that the two shorter sides of a triangle must add to be longer than the third side). Planning period I met with the parents of the "asthma boy" from last week, and stayed calm and professional, and I actually liked them.
Some classes did better than others in small groups, but every class managed to "get it" to some degree, and we reviewed a sample problem on the theorem so they would know what it was about when they saw it. I know I can do a lot better next year, utilizing resources better and preparing the kids from day 1 for the test, rather than the typical cramming during the 3rd quarter. Yes, I said next year. If I make it through to the end of the year and they want me back, I will probably do it. Despite the anticipated 6 reviews, and the negativity being put on teachers. But I reserve the right to change my mind, maybe even several times between now and then.
I think I wore out my worry button, because I have been way too calm the past couple of days, and not been taking my usual lunchtime dose of Chemical X. Has my subconscious come to grips with the fact that I can be less than "perfect" and nobody will notice? Have I allowed myself to bask in a job well done, even if it means I didn't get a concept across to every student (even one is a success). Dunno. But I feel better over the past 2 days. And soon it will be April, a month that is mentally much better. And soon after comes May and the end of school. I should make it.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Decisions of Future
Yesterday was another good/bad one. I kept an upbeat mood for the first part of the day, but my lunchtime class was very unruly coming back from the cafeteria, with one little girl extremely aggressive and loud toward another (there was a lot of jostling and line cutting among the small group that wants to be "first", whether they arrive first or not). This created a poisonous environment in class, and basically no teaching, children applauding the aggressive girl who announced loudly that her mother taught her to hit somebody if they messed with her, even though that goes against everything we teach in school (go figure, a parent undermining the important social and moral teachings of the school).
I have the teaching. I have the classroom management. I don't have any buy-in from many of my students, and they don't care whether they are good or bad, rewarded or punished, get good grades or bad. And it is affecting me, and I am floundering and becoming numb and uncaring.
On a positive note, I made an appointment with a therapist for next week, and I looked up the requirements for getting a math certification added to my license (21 hours, but all can be done online, two classes maximum during the school year and four in the summer). In theory it could take as little as a year, then I could teach any grade, should I choose to continue to teach.
That is the rub. Do I want to be a teacher, knowing that these problems exist and will continue to exist, no matter the grade, no matter the subject, no matter the location? Do I want to invest a year and thousands of dollars in a career that is being undermined and dragged down by politicians and bureaucrats who see teaching as equivalent to building a car - a production line that takes 12 years to spit out a product, no matter what raw materials are fed in. More and more I am leaning to "no" - but is that because I am mentally ill, and incapable of job satisfaction, unable to cope and ignore the little things?
I have the teaching. I have the classroom management. I don't have any buy-in from many of my students, and they don't care whether they are good or bad, rewarded or punished, get good grades or bad. And it is affecting me, and I am floundering and becoming numb and uncaring.
On a positive note, I made an appointment with a therapist for next week, and I looked up the requirements for getting a math certification added to my license (21 hours, but all can be done online, two classes maximum during the school year and four in the summer). In theory it could take as little as a year, then I could teach any grade, should I choose to continue to teach.
That is the rub. Do I want to be a teacher, knowing that these problems exist and will continue to exist, no matter the grade, no matter the subject, no matter the location? Do I want to invest a year and thousands of dollars in a career that is being undermined and dragged down by politicians and bureaucrats who see teaching as equivalent to building a car - a production line that takes 12 years to spit out a product, no matter what raw materials are fed in. More and more I am leaning to "no" - but is that because I am mentally ill, and incapable of job satisfaction, unable to cope and ignore the little things?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Dreams of a Flood
Is it the news stories about nearby communities who are annually flooded by the Mississippi River and other tributaries? Is it the tsunami coverage? I don't know but last night I had a dream about being in my maternal grandparent's house (way up in the NH mountains - no indoor plumbing, heated by a coal stove, hand pump for water in the kitchen) and having floodwaters be past the windows, then trying to rescue the cars that were floating away. The second part of the dream had to do with survival, as suddenly in this sparsely populated area there were hundreds of people. I was diving down onto what was essentially an interstate littered with cars and shopping carts (?) to get food to give to people. And somebody important from my family was still missing.
The job is getting to me, more every day. I win some, I lose some, but the losses weigh much more heavily. Yesterday I had the ISS supervisor (I would not classify her as a teacher) hang out in my doorway for two class periods. After the first one I thanked her for being there, and she told me I was a great teacher, that I made things interesting and it was too bad the kids just didn't care. If I were sane, I would have taken that to heart - people recognize it is not me that is the problem, it is the kids, their attitudes and upbringings. Still, because I am not sane, I took her presence as another vote of no confidence from whoever told her to be on our hall to keep an eye on me. Even though I appealed to the guidance counselor for some sort of help. I guess I should take it as it was given - somebody who has my back for a little bit of time - a positive thing. But why will they behave for somebody who has even less power and authority than I do? That means it definitely isn't about either thing, but more about connections or relationships - and I can't ever be perceived in the same way as a black woman (the typical authority figure for most of my students).
I had a kid show up at my door wearing a t-shirt, socks and white shorts - just barged in and asked one of my students something. He didn't knock, he didn't say excuse me, just walked in. He refused to tell me who he was or why he was there. It turned out he is the older brother of one of my students, and he had walked away (in stocking feet) from gym to get gym shorts from his brother so he wouldn't get marked down for not dressing out. Like other of my students, he didn't recognize this as class cutting (from gym), or disrupting my class (where he had no business). Of course one of my neighbor teachers stepped in, put him in a playful headlock, told me she was familiar with him (from last year) and would take him back to the gym. Now, had I even touched the hem of his t-shirt sleeve, I would have been complained about, written up and disciplined. I watched my co-teacher grasp the arm of a student not paying attention, to get his attention. Again, I am warned about touching and chastised for doing exactly the same thing to get a student to focus on me and move to a place in line where I was directing them.
I get back-talk every single time I ask for a student to correct behavior. EVERY TIME. Please be quiet. I wasn't talking/I was just asking for a pencil/etc. Do you have permission to be out of your seat? (student continues walking as if I never spoke) Repeated. No. Keeps on doing whatever he or she was doing (usually a stroll to the pencil sharpener or tissues - both excuses to move out of their seats), ignoring me. If I send them back to their seat to do it the right way I get verbally assaulted by mumbles or similar disrespectful behavior. I have one problem student who continues to talk, demand I give him his Science book (which he has lost, but it has become a game to him to tell me that I took it), and if I ask him to please be quiet (as directed by my administration) he mutters that I better get out of his face (something he has been written up for, with no measurable results on the part of administration).
I am seriously considering being a non-teacher. I spoke to our union representative about possible outcomes should the principal decide I am not a fit with the school and should he give me a negative evaluation. The drawback is that she is close/best friends with one of the two teachers reporting my every move behind my back to the principal.
It is a poisonous environment, I feel isolated and overwhelmed. I need help but don't know where to turn.
The job is getting to me, more every day. I win some, I lose some, but the losses weigh much more heavily. Yesterday I had the ISS supervisor (I would not classify her as a teacher) hang out in my doorway for two class periods. After the first one I thanked her for being there, and she told me I was a great teacher, that I made things interesting and it was too bad the kids just didn't care. If I were sane, I would have taken that to heart - people recognize it is not me that is the problem, it is the kids, their attitudes and upbringings. Still, because I am not sane, I took her presence as another vote of no confidence from whoever told her to be on our hall to keep an eye on me. Even though I appealed to the guidance counselor for some sort of help. I guess I should take it as it was given - somebody who has my back for a little bit of time - a positive thing. But why will they behave for somebody who has even less power and authority than I do? That means it definitely isn't about either thing, but more about connections or relationships - and I can't ever be perceived in the same way as a black woman (the typical authority figure for most of my students).
I had a kid show up at my door wearing a t-shirt, socks and white shorts - just barged in and asked one of my students something. He didn't knock, he didn't say excuse me, just walked in. He refused to tell me who he was or why he was there. It turned out he is the older brother of one of my students, and he had walked away (in stocking feet) from gym to get gym shorts from his brother so he wouldn't get marked down for not dressing out. Like other of my students, he didn't recognize this as class cutting (from gym), or disrupting my class (where he had no business). Of course one of my neighbor teachers stepped in, put him in a playful headlock, told me she was familiar with him (from last year) and would take him back to the gym. Now, had I even touched the hem of his t-shirt sleeve, I would have been complained about, written up and disciplined. I watched my co-teacher grasp the arm of a student not paying attention, to get his attention. Again, I am warned about touching and chastised for doing exactly the same thing to get a student to focus on me and move to a place in line where I was directing them.
I get back-talk every single time I ask for a student to correct behavior. EVERY TIME. Please be quiet. I wasn't talking/I was just asking for a pencil/etc. Do you have permission to be out of your seat? (student continues walking as if I never spoke) Repeated. No. Keeps on doing whatever he or she was doing (usually a stroll to the pencil sharpener or tissues - both excuses to move out of their seats), ignoring me. If I send them back to their seat to do it the right way I get verbally assaulted by mumbles or similar disrespectful behavior. I have one problem student who continues to talk, demand I give him his Science book (which he has lost, but it has become a game to him to tell me that I took it), and if I ask him to please be quiet (as directed by my administration) he mutters that I better get out of his face (something he has been written up for, with no measurable results on the part of administration).
I am seriously considering being a non-teacher. I spoke to our union representative about possible outcomes should the principal decide I am not a fit with the school and should he give me a negative evaluation. The drawback is that she is close/best friends with one of the two teachers reporting my every move behind my back to the principal.
It is a poisonous environment, I feel isolated and overwhelmed. I need help but don't know where to turn.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Cry for Help
Yesterday an email went out, sort of apologizing for the grade verification mess. Turns out report cards go out NEXT week, not this week. You would think somebody in administration could check a calendar. Still, not going to do anything differently.
And the entire day was terrible. Maybe it was my mood that the kids picked up on. Maybe it was the nice weather that gets the kids riled up. It is useless and unproductive to try to find the source - but many of the kids were unruly and uncontrollable. Which was the theme of my post-evaluation with the supervisor from head office. I teach well but my classroom management is lacking. Same thing the principal mentioned in passing (that he hired me because he wanted somebody with strong classroom management skills, and he was disappointed). So I expect a rather dismal evaluation.
I feel like I am alone on my hall, even though my classroom is in the center. The two teachers on either side do not help out, in fact they make the problem worse with the way they yell, wrestle, etc. with the students. And now I am hearing that both of them make regular reports to the principal on every little thing I say or do. I don't know why, but I do feel undermined, and it is taking a serious toll on my job. On paper, I have the power to manage the students, but they refuse to be managed by me. I can have a string of office referrals which are not a deterrent or even a meaningful consequence to the kids - which will also have the effect of making me look like I can't manage my own classroom. Parents are no help, and in some cases seem to be making the situation worse by encouraging the behavior we are trying to stop, or doing nothing, or blindly supporting their child, even when they are obviously and seriously in the wrong.
This is not just my own, isolated problem either. I spoke with our "model" teacher in the 8th grade and he had the same issues last year when he taught in 6th. I don't know who to talk to, in the school, about this to get any feedback or results, but just have to marinate in it for weeks. And the pressure of TCAP is the thick icing on the cake. Every minute I am not actively teaching, but trying to get kids to respect the rules of the classroom (respect is something I try to teach, but it doesn't seem they have a concept for it), is a minute that weighs on me for not teaching.
It is getting very very bad, and I am starting to doubt myself in a big way. I will have to find out from somebody what the worst case scenario would be, if I get a poor evaluation from the principal. Is it that I don't fit at this school (which is obvious)? Is it that the school management is incapable of running the middle school portion of a K-8 building (which is possible)?
And the entire day was terrible. Maybe it was my mood that the kids picked up on. Maybe it was the nice weather that gets the kids riled up. It is useless and unproductive to try to find the source - but many of the kids were unruly and uncontrollable. Which was the theme of my post-evaluation with the supervisor from head office. I teach well but my classroom management is lacking. Same thing the principal mentioned in passing (that he hired me because he wanted somebody with strong classroom management skills, and he was disappointed). So I expect a rather dismal evaluation.
I feel like I am alone on my hall, even though my classroom is in the center. The two teachers on either side do not help out, in fact they make the problem worse with the way they yell, wrestle, etc. with the students. And now I am hearing that both of them make regular reports to the principal on every little thing I say or do. I don't know why, but I do feel undermined, and it is taking a serious toll on my job. On paper, I have the power to manage the students, but they refuse to be managed by me. I can have a string of office referrals which are not a deterrent or even a meaningful consequence to the kids - which will also have the effect of making me look like I can't manage my own classroom. Parents are no help, and in some cases seem to be making the situation worse by encouraging the behavior we are trying to stop, or doing nothing, or blindly supporting their child, even when they are obviously and seriously in the wrong.
This is not just my own, isolated problem either. I spoke with our "model" teacher in the 8th grade and he had the same issues last year when he taught in 6th. I don't know who to talk to, in the school, about this to get any feedback or results, but just have to marinate in it for weeks. And the pressure of TCAP is the thick icing on the cake. Every minute I am not actively teaching, but trying to get kids to respect the rules of the classroom (respect is something I try to teach, but it doesn't seem they have a concept for it), is a minute that weighs on me for not teaching.
It is getting very very bad, and I am starting to doubt myself in a big way. I will have to find out from somebody what the worst case scenario would be, if I get a poor evaluation from the principal. Is it that I don't fit at this school (which is obvious)? Is it that the school management is incapable of running the middle school portion of a K-8 building (which is possible)?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Ethical?
Monday after a long break is never fun. I had a bunch of no-show kids, which is not bad, and the remaining kids were relatively low-key. Except for my usual suspects.
We had to rush to print grade verifications, since report cards seem to be going out tomorrow (which was news to the principal), which again is stupid since grades closed the end of the day before break, now we have to print out grades (that couldn't have been altered, since the servers shut down) during a busy day. Here is where the ethics come in. I spotted a mistake, but rather than fix it and own up to it, I just ignored it. If anybody ever notices (unlikely), I can/will plead ignorance, but it doesn't negatively affect any students - on the contrary it actually helped some. And the mistake will not happen again with the 4th quarter grades. No harm, no foul.
And then there is the fun email from the Math Supervisor who will be in our school tomorrow and wants to post-review my observation. Good, from a standpoint of constructive criticism, bad from a standpoint of "I have a ton of stuff to do, and this gives me yet another thing to worry about." Except I am not that worried. About much of anything. TCAP in 3 weeks. 14 more school days. One day at a time.
We had to rush to print grade verifications, since report cards seem to be going out tomorrow (which was news to the principal), which again is stupid since grades closed the end of the day before break, now we have to print out grades (that couldn't have been altered, since the servers shut down) during a busy day. Here is where the ethics come in. I spotted a mistake, but rather than fix it and own up to it, I just ignored it. If anybody ever notices (unlikely), I can/will plead ignorance, but it doesn't negatively affect any students - on the contrary it actually helped some. And the mistake will not happen again with the 4th quarter grades. No harm, no foul.
And then there is the fun email from the Math Supervisor who will be in our school tomorrow and wants to post-review my observation. Good, from a standpoint of constructive criticism, bad from a standpoint of "I have a ton of stuff to do, and this gives me yet another thing to worry about." Except I am not that worried. About much of anything. TCAP in 3 weeks. 14 more school days. One day at a time.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Finally Home
Got in last night about 8pm, which means 12 hours on the road including a side trip to try to find the Maker's Mark distillery (Kentucky sucks at putting attraction signs at the proper exits - we were 10 miles too far - should have gotten off a couple exits earlier, but this exit, and oddly, the one 20 miles farther on the interstate, had the sign. So trying to drive unmarked back roads). Had a long visit with my 90 year old grandfather, from about 1pm to 8pm on Friday, even though the plan was to be on the road by 7. Blame my aunt who wanted us to get a chance to visit with my uncle and one cousin and his fiancee. I get credit for not going to her house first, though, which gave us lots of time with Grandpap. I have a scary memory for places. Once we were within 10 miles, things looked familiar and I homed right in. My great-grandparents house is now a blacktop parking lot, my grandparents old house has new siding, but not much else is different. Some of the ancient (meaning 80 years or more) pictures still have the same buildings right outside my grandfather's doublewide.
Driving makes me tired, but I slept for crap last night, finally at home in my own bed. No clue why. It was hot, but I think the reality of going back to the classroom was spooking me. I feel better now, but tomorrow morning is probably going to be hell. And the countdown to TCAP is in full swing. Nothing but test prep for the next month or so, then the kids will act as though they are already out of school. Still working on leveling my attitude, which most other teachers have no problem with. Been talking it over with the wife and we both agree I read too much into things, tend to run on bad assumptions, and worst, I can't settle into a middle ground - I over-react. Well, like GI Joe says "knowing is half the battle."
Driving makes me tired, but I slept for crap last night, finally at home in my own bed. No clue why. It was hot, but I think the reality of going back to the classroom was spooking me. I feel better now, but tomorrow morning is probably going to be hell. And the countdown to TCAP is in full swing. Nothing but test prep for the next month or so, then the kids will act as though they are already out of school. Still working on leveling my attitude, which most other teachers have no problem with. Been talking it over with the wife and we both agree I read too much into things, tend to run on bad assumptions, and worst, I can't settle into a middle ground - I over-react. Well, like GI Joe says "knowing is half the battle."
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Bridging the Gap
I have been in and out of touch with wi-fi for the past few days. None at the house where I am staying, but down the street at the Barnes and Noble I can access, but I don't always walk down here. Spent a couple of hours on Tuesday in line to get books signed by Patrick Rothfuss (patrickrothfuss.com), but the other people near me in line were fun and cool and we all bonded and talked instead of ignoring each other like true New Yorkers, so I didn't really log on.
The trip so far. Saturday was a long series of drives interrupted by some minor stops. I know I was behind the wheel for at least 11 if not 12 hours. Terrible dinner, nice hotel. Double time-change (eastern time, followed by daylight savings) which made for much confusion of the body clock.
Sunday was much more mellow. Got up and enjoyed a breakfast at the hotel and didn't really rush to hit the road at any particular hour. Turns out we were at the last "city" in Virginia, so rapidly progressed through West Virginia and Maryland into Pennsylvania. Saw signs for Hershey (which we planned to visit on the return trip) being only 7 miles off the interstate, so took the plunge. Made custom candy bars in a computerized production line (very cool, and customized the labels too) and took the ride/tour and shopped, and back on the road within 90 minutes (and the place was starting to really fill up). Made it to Brooklyn by about 4pm, which was surprisingly fast to me. Took a little stroll up and down the Avenue here to re-acquaint myself - a lot has changed but a lot is just as I left it, nine years ago.
Monday - not much going on. Tried to plan out the week around other people's schedules, including eldest daughter who works now in the kitchen at Cheeburger Cheeburger, which just opened here. She has weathered cuts that have weeded out staff lacking in skills and is proud of her accomplishments - doing really well and maturing in being responsible. Wandered a little in the neighborhood, had dinner at an old hangout (Pizza Plus, not that it means much to most) which is completely renovated following a fire a few years ago.
Tuesday was another lazy day, but again strolled the Slope with wife to visit places, do a little shopping, have some lunch. Rich NYC food is playing havoc with my digestion. Then to aforementioned book signing at Barnes & Noble, where the author showed up more than an hour earlier than his scheduled time. Got to love buddingly famous authors from smaller towns (Stevens Point, WI) who, like me, just show up instead of being fashionably late. Which meant I was early enough to get to the bar (Johnnie Mac's) for dinner and trivia at 9pm. We did passably well, disagreed with some of the answers, but had fun just the same.
Wednesday was a foray into the city to drop some work at wife's old company and have lunch with old friends from said company. Strolled SoHo, visited the Apple Store, confused at the huge line of mainly Chinese outside the store until we realized this happens daily - to snap up the daily shipments of iPad2, and then "export" them for fun and profit. They were sold out by 10:30. Dropped into a yarn store, then a high end art studio that specializes in cartoon art (exhibits of Sendak and Seuss, and downstairs some superhero stuff, including Alex Ross, who I collected back in the days of money - which got me more respect from the salesperson since I wasn't just some gawker, but knew my stuff from before she was an agent), then to a really fun store called Kidrobot. Think of it as a quarter-machine for adults. They get the license and produce small statues of different "cool" shows (Futurama, Simpsons, Adult Swim, Family Guy) as well as their own original stuff. The catch? The boxes are sealed and the statue is sealed in a foil pack, so it is like a baseball card or quarter-machine. You never know what you will get. But they are reasonably priced, like $5, so you can enjoy yourself, but if you get a rare one you can score some money in resale. (kidrobot.com) They also have clothes and plush pillow/toys. Just a fun place. Then lunch at a little bistro in SoHo and back home to Chinese takeout (nobody felt like going out) and watching the King's Speech on DVD (yeah, I know it isn't out yet. This is New York where things are bootlegged as naturally as breathing, although this one wasn't a handheld camera in the theater boot, but from a studio copy - so super clear with a "Property of Weinstein Productions - Do Not Copy" popping up every 20 minutes or so.
Now it is Thursday, St. Patrick's Day. Wearing the green, but avoiding Manhattan. If New Year's Eve is amateur night for drinkers, St. Patty's is the semi-pro league. And the parade draws tons of people, as well as plenty of paraders. And the bars open at 10am. Staying the area, going to help with some yard work at the house, do some laundry and get packed (car is in a "safe" spot. Street parking is hard to find but surprisingly safe. The only catch is this thing called "Alternate side of the street parking" which means on certain days, for the streets to be cleaned (and YES, the do clean them) all vehicles must be off that side. So we found a spot Monday night to move the car where it will stay until tomorrow morning). Fill up the car with non-essentials tonight, leave out clothes for tomorrow and the car bags and hit the road around 6 to avoid any traffic (most will be inbound and we will be outbound, so that helps) and on to western PA.
My grandfather turned 90 in January. I phoned him Tuesday night to let him know we were coming to visit on Friday afternoon and we would call for directions when we were close. He is super excited, and my youngest has never met him (the last time I saw him was on a visit he made to New York probably 15 years ago or more). Then last night got a call from my aunt (wife to my dad's younger brother), which is triply interesting. I never called her, she called my daughter's phone to reach me, and she started pressing us to stay the night at her house. There is something strange going on, according to my dad, since my aunt has recently gone back to her maiden name (and for some reason friend-requested me on FaceBook), but he wouldn't go into details. She has never been too tightly wrapped, and always been fundamentally (and judgmentally, with emphasis on the "mental") Christian. Quick to condemn and look down on, and the last time I experienced this was at/after my grandmother's death. She want us to stay long enough so we can visit with my uncle and one of my cousins, who won't be off work until around 6. I tried to explain that if we stay, we face a minimum of 12 hours on the road the next day, and we would rather visit, then push on as far as we can so we are not under the gun on Saturday. She also "suggested" we come directly to her place, then whoever was around would go to my grandfather's. Interesting attempt to control the situation - we can't visit without her, and would have to go back to her house before leaving. I left it up in the air - but I think we will go directly to my grandfather's then let her know we are there. If we hang out long enough the others can catch up, but that will be a long visit and this is all about him, not them. Should be interesting, to say the least.
Trying hard not to think of next week back in the classroom. Hard to avoid it, though, as I have to do some planning of the week and the grading period. I am a pendulum, swinging between confident and capable and freaked out, but somebody has put a magnet on the freaked out side.
The trip so far. Saturday was a long series of drives interrupted by some minor stops. I know I was behind the wheel for at least 11 if not 12 hours. Terrible dinner, nice hotel. Double time-change (eastern time, followed by daylight savings) which made for much confusion of the body clock.
Sunday was much more mellow. Got up and enjoyed a breakfast at the hotel and didn't really rush to hit the road at any particular hour. Turns out we were at the last "city" in Virginia, so rapidly progressed through West Virginia and Maryland into Pennsylvania. Saw signs for Hershey (which we planned to visit on the return trip) being only 7 miles off the interstate, so took the plunge. Made custom candy bars in a computerized production line (very cool, and customized the labels too) and took the ride/tour and shopped, and back on the road within 90 minutes (and the place was starting to really fill up). Made it to Brooklyn by about 4pm, which was surprisingly fast to me. Took a little stroll up and down the Avenue here to re-acquaint myself - a lot has changed but a lot is just as I left it, nine years ago.
Monday - not much going on. Tried to plan out the week around other people's schedules, including eldest daughter who works now in the kitchen at Cheeburger Cheeburger, which just opened here. She has weathered cuts that have weeded out staff lacking in skills and is proud of her accomplishments - doing really well and maturing in being responsible. Wandered a little in the neighborhood, had dinner at an old hangout (Pizza Plus, not that it means much to most) which is completely renovated following a fire a few years ago.
Tuesday was another lazy day, but again strolled the Slope with wife to visit places, do a little shopping, have some lunch. Rich NYC food is playing havoc with my digestion. Then to aforementioned book signing at Barnes & Noble, where the author showed up more than an hour earlier than his scheduled time. Got to love buddingly famous authors from smaller towns (Stevens Point, WI) who, like me, just show up instead of being fashionably late. Which meant I was early enough to get to the bar (Johnnie Mac's) for dinner and trivia at 9pm. We did passably well, disagreed with some of the answers, but had fun just the same.
Wednesday was a foray into the city to drop some work at wife's old company and have lunch with old friends from said company. Strolled SoHo, visited the Apple Store, confused at the huge line of mainly Chinese outside the store until we realized this happens daily - to snap up the daily shipments of iPad2, and then "export" them for fun and profit. They were sold out by 10:30. Dropped into a yarn store, then a high end art studio that specializes in cartoon art (exhibits of Sendak and Seuss, and downstairs some superhero stuff, including Alex Ross, who I collected back in the days of money - which got me more respect from the salesperson since I wasn't just some gawker, but knew my stuff from before she was an agent), then to a really fun store called Kidrobot. Think of it as a quarter-machine for adults. They get the license and produce small statues of different "cool" shows (Futurama, Simpsons, Adult Swim, Family Guy) as well as their own original stuff. The catch? The boxes are sealed and the statue is sealed in a foil pack, so it is like a baseball card or quarter-machine. You never know what you will get. But they are reasonably priced, like $5, so you can enjoy yourself, but if you get a rare one you can score some money in resale. (kidrobot.com) They also have clothes and plush pillow/toys. Just a fun place. Then lunch at a little bistro in SoHo and back home to Chinese takeout (nobody felt like going out) and watching the King's Speech on DVD (yeah, I know it isn't out yet. This is New York where things are bootlegged as naturally as breathing, although this one wasn't a handheld camera in the theater boot, but from a studio copy - so super clear with a "Property of Weinstein Productions - Do Not Copy" popping up every 20 minutes or so.
Now it is Thursday, St. Patrick's Day. Wearing the green, but avoiding Manhattan. If New Year's Eve is amateur night for drinkers, St. Patty's is the semi-pro league. And the parade draws tons of people, as well as plenty of paraders. And the bars open at 10am. Staying the area, going to help with some yard work at the house, do some laundry and get packed (car is in a "safe" spot. Street parking is hard to find but surprisingly safe. The only catch is this thing called "Alternate side of the street parking" which means on certain days, for the streets to be cleaned (and YES, the do clean them) all vehicles must be off that side. So we found a spot Monday night to move the car where it will stay until tomorrow morning). Fill up the car with non-essentials tonight, leave out clothes for tomorrow and the car bags and hit the road around 6 to avoid any traffic (most will be inbound and we will be outbound, so that helps) and on to western PA.
My grandfather turned 90 in January. I phoned him Tuesday night to let him know we were coming to visit on Friday afternoon and we would call for directions when we were close. He is super excited, and my youngest has never met him (the last time I saw him was on a visit he made to New York probably 15 years ago or more). Then last night got a call from my aunt (wife to my dad's younger brother), which is triply interesting. I never called her, she called my daughter's phone to reach me, and she started pressing us to stay the night at her house. There is something strange going on, according to my dad, since my aunt has recently gone back to her maiden name (and for some reason friend-requested me on FaceBook), but he wouldn't go into details. She has never been too tightly wrapped, and always been fundamentally (and judgmentally, with emphasis on the "mental") Christian. Quick to condemn and look down on, and the last time I experienced this was at/after my grandmother's death. She want us to stay long enough so we can visit with my uncle and one of my cousins, who won't be off work until around 6. I tried to explain that if we stay, we face a minimum of 12 hours on the road the next day, and we would rather visit, then push on as far as we can so we are not under the gun on Saturday. She also "suggested" we come directly to her place, then whoever was around would go to my grandfather's. Interesting attempt to control the situation - we can't visit without her, and would have to go back to her house before leaving. I left it up in the air - but I think we will go directly to my grandfather's then let her know we are there. If we hang out long enough the others can catch up, but that will be a long visit and this is all about him, not them. Should be interesting, to say the least.
Trying hard not to think of next week back in the classroom. Hard to avoid it, though, as I have to do some planning of the week and the grading period. I am a pendulum, swinging between confident and capable and freaked out, but somebody has put a magnet on the freaked out side.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Road Trip
Up before dawn, finished near the end of Virginia. Some crazy stuff (Burt Reynolds Boat Rental) and tired from 12 plus hours of driving, but we will arrive tomorrow. Disappointing dinner at Cracker Barrel with a waitress who obviously does not have the necessary English language skills (and from the manager's conversation with us, not the first time) to take our order. My bacon cheeseburger became a grilled cheese with bacon (even though I pointed to the item on the menu - and not because I thought she wouldn't get it, but because she was looking at the menu to see what I was ordering) and my drink stayed unfilled. And a double whammy with both changing to Eastern time AND Daylight Savings on the same night.
Taking the Plunge
Super early in the morning and nervous about doing something I have done many times and at the same time for the first time. Heading out on Spring Break road trip, but back to New York for the first time since I moved away. Many mixed feelings about how it will affect me - things will have changed, it is another place I used to, but no longer, belong. And the stress of long haul driving.
Yesterday was as expected. I got out of having to teach anything by giving the kids their 7th grade math placement. A nice little 25 item test to bubble in quietly while I filled in a "rubric" page for each and every student. Name, teacher name, school name....then comes the fun part. Math grade for all 3 quarters so far. Grade on the test they are taking (we don't have a ScanTron, so it gets sent out and back for scoring). on and on. Then at 2:00, the aforementioned dance, that is nothing like a dance from my middle school years. No actual dancing, just clumps of kids running around, and too many body motions that I don't think I learned for a good ten years past 6th grade. But the day ended.
Off to vets, drop the dogs (who are excited and barky, but give up and meekly follow the vet who they know), then to the Apple store. At which point, my decision is made for me. I forgot how "Apple" people are. The line is about 300 people long for the iPad2. So I go for fallback plan - save money, don't go for the brand new, bells-and-whistles, but get the standard iPad, skip the line (heh heh) and back home to load things and pack.
Whee - next update will be from the road, either via laptop or iPad.
Yesterday was as expected. I got out of having to teach anything by giving the kids their 7th grade math placement. A nice little 25 item test to bubble in quietly while I filled in a "rubric" page for each and every student. Name, teacher name, school name....then comes the fun part. Math grade for all 3 quarters so far. Grade on the test they are taking (we don't have a ScanTron, so it gets sent out and back for scoring). on and on. Then at 2:00, the aforementioned dance, that is nothing like a dance from my middle school years. No actual dancing, just clumps of kids running around, and too many body motions that I don't think I learned for a good ten years past 6th grade. But the day ended.
Off to vets, drop the dogs (who are excited and barky, but give up and meekly follow the vet who they know), then to the Apple store. At which point, my decision is made for me. I forgot how "Apple" people are. The line is about 300 people long for the iPad2. So I go for fallback plan - save money, don't go for the brand new, bells-and-whistles, but get the standard iPad, skip the line (heh heh) and back home to load things and pack.
Whee - next update will be from the road, either via laptop or iPad.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Slipping
I started writing with good, daily intentions. And I find it is not usually top of mind, even in the mornings. Some days I am rushed, or distracted, or busy trying to organize a day so I can have a little moment of triumph and know that, no matter what happens, there is enough to educate, entertain and fill 50 minutes. Yesterday was like that. (notice that when talking about good intentions, I left out the daily walk, the communicating with friends, and other things I planned to do often for the past 3 months).
Yesterday was like that. Wednesday jury duty cattle call was a joke. Drive all the way downtown. Pay, along with the other 2000 other people called, $5 to park, get to the huge room with chairs set up. Wait. Wait some more. Have things explained. Have judges come in. Have more things explained. Have the potential weeks you can pick listed, which ranged from the week prior to TCAP to the last week of school, meaning no matter what, I was going to be out for some portion of the rest of the year, which is a good thing. Watch 80% of the people in the place scramble to get in line for the first week, and line up when the second week is called, without the line being much shorter for having filled the first week. Wind up getting the first week of May, neither good nor bad. Then cattle call out with all the people leaving, meaning traffic and frustration.
So I overplanned yesterday. I had no confidence that a sub showed up, based on past experience. I made sure I had two lessons in one, with calculator practice, and a handout. Got to school and pleasantly surprised to see a note from the sub - she had followed my directions and things went smoothly. Finalize my grades (since the grading period ends Friday at 4pm, they need to be in) and felt accomplished and ready to cruise through the periods. During planning, a man in a sport coat walked down the hall - I figured he was a sub. Then I ran into him in the teacher's lounge and asked him if he was a sub. He said no, and I guessed, out loud, he must be an important visitor. Turns out he is the Math Supervisor for the system. When I introduced myself, he already knew who I was. The administration had requested he come by for a "drop-in" observation of my classroom. The kind that goes in a file. The day after I have been out. The day before the kids go on Spring Break. Not the nicest surprise. And the kids could not have been less cooperative. The ones who learn were great. Those who talk and good were making animal sounds back and forth at each other (this is the class that did the disruptive throat clearing on Tuesday and had a class-wide lunch detention). The supervisor actually thought he was going to be sitting in on my enriched class - oops on his part. I managed to get through the class, he shook my hand, told me I was very energetic and he would email me follow up forms. Great. Have to have those done before vacation, too.
The rest of the day just slacked off from there. Principal decided to move a dance for the middle schoolers into the school day (since lower grades, who do no have the extreme behavior of our teens, had theirs during the school day), which means two of my classes won't meet today. My uncooperative student is now getting up from his seat to challenge me, and when told to sit back down starts his muttering rants and complaints. Assistant principal was not in to update me, so I have no clue where that whole mess stands - but unless I hear something today it will probably hover over my head through break.
And today I have the tough decision - should I blow my GRE money on the new iPad2? It is a cool toy - but at home I anchor myself to this PC and it does what I need. I don't actually feel the need to have a computer with me all the time for Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff, the same way I never felt the need to have a phone with me (and I don't use that often either). I have a school issued laptop, so I can travel with that and be connected via Wifi. I am leaning against getting it, even though I was excited at the idea first. New gadgets are interesting to think about, but not life changing, and this one I think will wait.
Financial front - News America gave me a proposal on my pension. 140% of the estimated worth in a lump sum - just under $20,000. But it will be taxed unless it rolls into an IRA or other retirement fund. Probably going to take it, just got to figure out the right method. Or I can have $68 a month until I die, or $365 a month until I die if I wait until 65.
Yesterday was like that. Wednesday jury duty cattle call was a joke. Drive all the way downtown. Pay, along with the other 2000 other people called, $5 to park, get to the huge room with chairs set up. Wait. Wait some more. Have things explained. Have judges come in. Have more things explained. Have the potential weeks you can pick listed, which ranged from the week prior to TCAP to the last week of school, meaning no matter what, I was going to be out for some portion of the rest of the year, which is a good thing. Watch 80% of the people in the place scramble to get in line for the first week, and line up when the second week is called, without the line being much shorter for having filled the first week. Wind up getting the first week of May, neither good nor bad. Then cattle call out with all the people leaving, meaning traffic and frustration.
So I overplanned yesterday. I had no confidence that a sub showed up, based on past experience. I made sure I had two lessons in one, with calculator practice, and a handout. Got to school and pleasantly surprised to see a note from the sub - she had followed my directions and things went smoothly. Finalize my grades (since the grading period ends Friday at 4pm, they need to be in) and felt accomplished and ready to cruise through the periods. During planning, a man in a sport coat walked down the hall - I figured he was a sub. Then I ran into him in the teacher's lounge and asked him if he was a sub. He said no, and I guessed, out loud, he must be an important visitor. Turns out he is the Math Supervisor for the system. When I introduced myself, he already knew who I was. The administration had requested he come by for a "drop-in" observation of my classroom. The kind that goes in a file. The day after I have been out. The day before the kids go on Spring Break. Not the nicest surprise. And the kids could not have been less cooperative. The ones who learn were great. Those who talk and good were making animal sounds back and forth at each other (this is the class that did the disruptive throat clearing on Tuesday and had a class-wide lunch detention). The supervisor actually thought he was going to be sitting in on my enriched class - oops on his part. I managed to get through the class, he shook my hand, told me I was very energetic and he would email me follow up forms. Great. Have to have those done before vacation, too.
The rest of the day just slacked off from there. Principal decided to move a dance for the middle schoolers into the school day (since lower grades, who do no have the extreme behavior of our teens, had theirs during the school day), which means two of my classes won't meet today. My uncooperative student is now getting up from his seat to challenge me, and when told to sit back down starts his muttering rants and complaints. Assistant principal was not in to update me, so I have no clue where that whole mess stands - but unless I hear something today it will probably hover over my head through break.
And today I have the tough decision - should I blow my GRE money on the new iPad2? It is a cool toy - but at home I anchor myself to this PC and it does what I need. I don't actually feel the need to have a computer with me all the time for Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff, the same way I never felt the need to have a phone with me (and I don't use that often either). I have a school issued laptop, so I can travel with that and be connected via Wifi. I am leaning against getting it, even though I was excited at the idea first. New gadgets are interesting to think about, but not life changing, and this one I think will wait.
Financial front - News America gave me a proposal on my pension. 140% of the estimated worth in a lump sum - just under $20,000. But it will be taxed unless it rolls into an IRA or other retirement fund. Probably going to take it, just got to figure out the right method. Or I can have $68 a month until I die, or $365 a month until I die if I wait until 65.
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