Is it the news stories about nearby communities who are annually flooded by the Mississippi River and other tributaries? Is it the tsunami coverage? I don't know but last night I had a dream about being in my maternal grandparent's house (way up in the NH mountains - no indoor plumbing, heated by a coal stove, hand pump for water in the kitchen) and having floodwaters be past the windows, then trying to rescue the cars that were floating away. The second part of the dream had to do with survival, as suddenly in this sparsely populated area there were hundreds of people. I was diving down onto what was essentially an interstate littered with cars and shopping carts (?) to get food to give to people. And somebody important from my family was still missing.
The job is getting to me, more every day. I win some, I lose some, but the losses weigh much more heavily. Yesterday I had the ISS supervisor (I would not classify her as a teacher) hang out in my doorway for two class periods. After the first one I thanked her for being there, and she told me I was a great teacher, that I made things interesting and it was too bad the kids just didn't care. If I were sane, I would have taken that to heart - people recognize it is not me that is the problem, it is the kids, their attitudes and upbringings. Still, because I am not sane, I took her presence as another vote of no confidence from whoever told her to be on our hall to keep an eye on me. Even though I appealed to the guidance counselor for some sort of help. I guess I should take it as it was given - somebody who has my back for a little bit of time - a positive thing. But why will they behave for somebody who has even less power and authority than I do? That means it definitely isn't about either thing, but more about connections or relationships - and I can't ever be perceived in the same way as a black woman (the typical authority figure for most of my students).
I had a kid show up at my door wearing a t-shirt, socks and white shorts - just barged in and asked one of my students something. He didn't knock, he didn't say excuse me, just walked in. He refused to tell me who he was or why he was there. It turned out he is the older brother of one of my students, and he had walked away (in stocking feet) from gym to get gym shorts from his brother so he wouldn't get marked down for not dressing out. Like other of my students, he didn't recognize this as class cutting (from gym), or disrupting my class (where he had no business). Of course one of my neighbor teachers stepped in, put him in a playful headlock, told me she was familiar with him (from last year) and would take him back to the gym. Now, had I even touched the hem of his t-shirt sleeve, I would have been complained about, written up and disciplined. I watched my co-teacher grasp the arm of a student not paying attention, to get his attention. Again, I am warned about touching and chastised for doing exactly the same thing to get a student to focus on me and move to a place in line where I was directing them.
I get back-talk every single time I ask for a student to correct behavior. EVERY TIME. Please be quiet. I wasn't talking/I was just asking for a pencil/etc. Do you have permission to be out of your seat? (student continues walking as if I never spoke) Repeated. No. Keeps on doing whatever he or she was doing (usually a stroll to the pencil sharpener or tissues - both excuses to move out of their seats), ignoring me. If I send them back to their seat to do it the right way I get verbally assaulted by mumbles or similar disrespectful behavior. I have one problem student who continues to talk, demand I give him his Science book (which he has lost, but it has become a game to him to tell me that I took it), and if I ask him to please be quiet (as directed by my administration) he mutters that I better get out of his face (something he has been written up for, with no measurable results on the part of administration).
I am seriously considering being a non-teacher. I spoke to our union representative about possible outcomes should the principal decide I am not a fit with the school and should he give me a negative evaluation. The drawback is that she is close/best friends with one of the two teachers reporting my every move behind my back to the principal.
It is a poisonous environment, I feel isolated and overwhelmed. I need help but don't know where to turn.
No comments:
Post a Comment