Yuck

Been fighting this cold for a few days now. Same pattern every time. Scratchy throat. Sore throat. Dry cough. Productive cough. Stuffed nose.

Right now I am at the next to last stage, but sore from coughing, and I just feel run down. And unproductive. Couldn't do grades because the system is down (for the two schools on a trimester system, I think), and not much going on. Hot and humid outside, so expecting a typical spring cold front to blow through, with thunderstorms, damaging winds, etc. This will go on through May, probably.

So much goes on in my head so quickly it is easy to forget that not everybody else understands when I go off on small things. Not that I have, or anything, but I remember back in Brooklyn, one of our neighbors was pretty high strung. She couldn't cope with the sounds of kids playing in the courtyard, and once went so far as to stab a basketball with a knife. But in a way, I understand what she was going through. In her own mind, pressures were mounting, little things pecking away at her composure, and eventually there is the proverbial straw - and the blowup. It happens to me, too, and I know people, even those close to me, go "where did THAT come from?" Well, that is where. You keep things inside, they percolate (do people even know that verb anymore? Nostalgic memories of coffee percolators) and finally burst free, usually scaring people who aren't even the source of the distress (since the distress is a million little things, and no one person even realizes their minute role in it all).

Maybe I will go watch the Oscars.

The Mail

Even though most of us communicate electronically, there is still the ritual of daily, physical mail delivery. The past two days have brought some interesting finds.

Yesterday I got a form letter (actually quite glossy) from my former corporate overlords (News Corporation) requesting my attention to a soon to be released, one-time offer to buy out my pension for a lump sum. I can't wait. I worked for them for 7 years, was fully vested in the pension program and made SIGNIFICANTLY more per year than I am making now. More than likely I will take the offer, and roll it into some tax protected fund.

Today I got my first jury duty notice for Memphis. Back in New York, it seems like I was on the sucker list every two years, like clockwork. Nine years here, and finally my number is up. The process, however, is pretty screwed up. In New York (a much bigger place, and I have to say a hell of a lot more organized), you are assigned a day to report, and if it is inconvenient, they let you call or mail in the date you DO want to appear for your duty. Here, though, it seems like the hoops are more silly. First you report (in the middle of the day) to the convention center in downtown Memphis. Nobody goes there willingly, but I am sure there is some sort of under the table deal with parking lots and such to provide a large pool of suckers. Do you get assigned to a jury that day? Nope. You are appearing, in person, to let them know what day you would like to start your service. So, I have to take a day from work (again, more revenue in the city tax stream) in order to select more days I will take off from work.

Fighting down a gall bladder attack - the first in a long time. On top of the sore throat that has progressed to the hacking cough and soon to be dripping sinuses. And I volunteered to go into school today for the Reading Camp, which wasn't a total waste of time, although 8 out of 120 kids in the 6th grade is not a stellar outpouring of potential literacy.

Peaceful

Giving a test to a class can be peaceful, or it can be stressful. I had mostly peaceful today. The kids worked hard, stayed quiet, and I had something for them to do with any extra time. Not all were angels - one refused the extra sheet because "it isn't worth doing if you won't give me any extra credit." One class, one of my better classes the other day, was the worst - couldn't stay quiet, couldn't get it together.

Been using a new method of noise awareness from one of my recent seminars. I have the kids put their fingers around their throats and talk. They feel the vibration. Then they whisper, and there isn't any vibration. I inform them this is Level 1, and that it would be acceptable most of the time. They gave me a couple of examples of when we should be at Level 0 (like during tests, or when an adult is speaking). Just asking them what level they were speaking at saves a lot of time.

Then there is my troubled student. He is in my homeroom, has been defiant and aggressive toward me from the beginning. My co-teacher recognizes his defiance, and neither of us has a solution. His dad came in for a conference, and the boy remained sullen and defiant and wouldn't provide much in the way of help, even with a guidance counselor, co-teacher, parent, etc. all asking. Yesterday he refused to stop talking during dismissal (he also was laughing a lot during the test, but that is another issue), so I pulled him aside and told him we would call his mother once we were out of the building. He got louder and more defiant and eventually tried to slip away from me and to the front of the line, hoping to get away. When I caught up with him, he kept being defiant, then said "You better leave me alone, man" and walked away from the door where we exit. I had to have a teacher on the hall detain him - he claimed he was going to see the guidance counselor (which is not done after school, nor do you walk away from your dismissal line). Well, we found the counselor, the boy continued to be sullen and claim he had never made the veiled threat - but "that man always in my face hollerin at me" which is his way of saying "I kept on talking and the teacher kept asking me to please be quiet". Called his mom and informed her, but since this is about the fifth time this has happened, and the dad didn't fill her in on the conference, I have little hope of things improving.

Passive Agressive

I work with four other teachers in the sixth grade. Two are wonderful, and have taught lower grades recently. They communicate well, cooperate, share information, ask how things are going, everything you would expect from co-workers.

The other two are the opposite, and they are really beginning to bother/worry me. The first taught math until I was hired. Now she teaches "reinforcement" - which is essentially kids using a computer program to boost their reading and language arts. The only kids who get math reinforcement are those who don't get the language arts, which is two. This class assigns no grades, so the teacher reviews the scores from the computer program to make sure they did what they were supposed to. She also does tutoring in the mornings, but I rarely see more than 1 or 2 students in there. I get the feeling she is compensated for this tutoring. She also used to run a snack concession from her room, bringing in boxes of individual chips and pouch drinks from Sam's Club and selling them to the kids. Her manner is gruff, loud, aggressive - all the things I have been told I have to change.

The second is our grade level leader - except she constantly says she isn't and doesn't want to be. I don't get emails from her about meetings or information about things that I might not know about, this being my first year at the school. A couple of examples: When we did our first computer test, I didn't know what I needed to do (sign up for the computer lab, get laptops, find codes for the kids, etc.) so I asked her, in the presence of the other teacher. They laughed. They didn't offer to show me, just made light of it as if it will be fun to watch you learn it. Yesterday they both popped in at the end of the day to tell me that I should be using the calculators all the time in the classroom. This message "comes from the top" and I shouldn't worry about teaching them math concepts, but to make sure they know which buttons to push, since test scores are down and they need to go up. And since we need to do another computer test (and this "leader" holds the 6th grade computer cart and told me the days she plans to use it) that I should get time in the computer lab, since the cart can be "unreliable" with connections.

Even better, when I asked this "leader" what to do about the potential failure list we were to generate - whether I was responsible for my homeroom or math for the whole grade, she responded that she didn't know - she never fails kids because she doesn't want to be bothered with that kind of paperwork.

I feel like I am being set up, or slowly sabotaged by these two. Our leader took sick days to attend the Super Bowl, and the students knew it and talked about it. I heard from another teacher on the grade hall. These two just recently treated a teacher in the building, whose son we teach, like dirt when she asked for a conference before school started. They acted as if "how dare somebody (who is a friend and colleague) dare to try to schedule something outside of our window of planning time.

And while these two teachers can seem to do no wrong - yelling at kids when I am advised to speak softly to correct, grabbing and wrestling kids or smacking them, or chasing them in the halls or in the classroom to loud delight from onlookers, when I am told to never EVER touch a child, it really bugs me. I don't feel comfortable going to my principal, as these two seem to have his ear, but it seems to be common knowledge that these two are not typical, and not in a good way. Just another hurdle in an endless stream of people to please, appease or get along with, despite what they do in return.

Ups and Downs

Today was a so-so day, and lasted way too long. Kids were frustrating, even though I had a simple and relatively fun activity to prepare for a test. Administration was frustrating, telling us with less than 2 weeks until the deadline that we should no longer wait for paper versions of a test, but to use the computers (which means signing up, taking kids to the computer lab, etc.). My final makeup meeting for new teachers was also tonight, from 6-7, so neither enough time to go home before or after. Bah.

And sleepy. SO sleepy this morning that driving included micro-naps. As did the faculty meeting. The headache pills that make me drowsy are also giving me vivid dreams with frequent waking. Not much I can do but keep taking things a day at a time. This week is almost over, and next week is only 3 days long, due to the computer testing on Thursday and Friday...so the mid-point of the end is in sight. Things will go LOTS quicker after Spring Break.

Terrific Tuesday

Funny how terrific and terrifying seem to have the same root.

The day went very well. My lesson was a double lesson, combining functions and graphing functions - the pacing chart recommends at least 2 if not 3 days. We did it in one class session, over 50 computations and graphings on the smartboard, as well as bellwork, and I would say most kids got it! My co-teaching class, usually a distracted bunch, got new journals (marble composition books) which got their attention, and in other classes I began using a quieter voice to ask talkers to be quieter or do a specific task. I also incorporated something from the seminar "clap once if you can hear me. Clap twice if you can hear me." The kids have picked up on it, and barring the few clowns who won't stop clapping, it is starting to work. End of the day is still chaotic, and their attention doesn't extend far beyond a minute after getting quiet, and I still get kids who want to argue about "everybody else is talking, why are you picking on me," but that will get better over time.

Today, though, is a chapter review day. I haven't prepared much, and I am pretty sure we have a faculty meeting to discuss the first two chapters of a book - I have actually done the reading - so I will have to use my planning time to actually plan.

Then tonight straight to the make-up meeting for a new teacher session I was never informed about (turns out attendance was around half of what it should have been, so I wasn't the only one not in the loop), then eat and straight to trivia. I will be glad when February is over, as it will signal both the end of this extra time on professional development, Spring Break will be nearer and we will finish out the 3rd grading period.

Oh, and for you northerners, daffodils are in bloom, and forsythia is starting to bud flowers.

Harrowing Day

And I am not even stressing or freaking. No students today - district in-service, which took me to Bellevue Baptist...if you are not familiar with Memphis, it is like a stadium that is also a church. TONS of meeting rooms from thousands to dozens of people. The sessions were not bad, learned a few things, that's about it.

Then about 7:30 I get asked by wife and youngest if a circuit breaker tripped, because the computer and cable went out in the living room. Nope, no breaker tripped. But no power either. So I go in with my testers and see that the indicators for that outlet say that there is a problem - ground and live are mis-matched. Well, I know that is impossible, but I open it up and mess around and find that I hate the electrician who wired it, since they disregarded the wire colors (black for live, white for neutral) and put black tape on the two live wires. Took me some experimenting, and walks back and forth to the circuit box. Even though the plug works, it is still not powering the surge protector, and the two other outlets on the circuit are not powered. However, the lights in the living room and dining room (also on the circuit) are fine. I spend literally an hour in the dark trying different connections when I finally just give up and say "let's call the electrician" - because I have no clue. Everything has worked fine in that room for 9 years, and tonight something happens and it is all screwed up.

Then I notice an outlet, not on the wall where I have been working, but where we had the Christmas tree plugged in. The top plug is browned and melted on the left side. And the wife and daughter had been complaining a few weeks ago about a melty plastic smell, which at the time we assigned to the electric fireplace. The wiring in that room has always worried me, as the room is a bonus room and I have little to no confidence in the construction of it - as we have discovered in bits and pieces over the years - mainly from having a tree drop on the corner and having repairs. Things like a live, uncapped wire in one wall. A floor that has a crawl space, but insufficient shoring (also termites, but that was discovered at that same time, as we were having a french double door put in). Anyhow, this is going to cost, and cost big, I am sure. Minimum I want the room re-wired - six grounded outlets on a circuit separate from the lights. Probably should have the ancient breaker box replaced, too. *sigh*

Late, or Early?

Around 12:30. Been playing my superhero game and having fun doing it. Nice dinner tonight and talked out a few things that bother me about my profession. I ran into one of my professors from U of M at the Kroger today (she taught SPED, Dr. Greer, wonderful lady) and she told me that she was glad I was teaching middle school "because those kids need you." And I don't hear things like that often. I toil, and I agonize over the failures, the kids who miss a great lesson because they are worried about something I don't know about that is going on in their lives. And I have to let it go. I can't give 100% every day, every class. I have to settle for my best at that moment.

So, mid-February resolutions. Be less hard on myself. Seek the positive. Remind myself that self-validation is just as good as validation from others (which is unlikely to happen) - I can trust myself when I tell myself I am a good teacher. I might not be the best teacher for a particular student, but I am a good teacher.

And finally, the big project. I want to create a binder, or more accurately a crate, that has at least one activity for every SPI required by Tennessee. I have a computer list of test questions for each SPI - that can be the assessment tool. But I want something that is not just reading and practicing. I want a game, a challenge, a discovery, something hands on. A big box of stuff to do that might get the kids to learn something without having it feel like "school." THIS I can do. It might take me until the next school year, but I will feel better having it in reserve. And it will make me feel more confident about teaching 40 weeks of material in 30 weeks. Like the sign says "You can have it fast, you can have it cheap, you can have it done right. Pick two out of the three."

So Much to Say

Thursday was a blur, and a long one at that. Lots of things going on, and a few revelations. Seminar finished, I think there are a few things that I can incorporate into my classroom, at least that is the goal. They let us out early, as some schools had parent/teacher conferences beginning at 3 (if the schools dismiss at 2), so I had a bit of time to kill, since I would be damned if I would go back for my required 2 hours of hell early.

Conferences were what I have come to expect. The kids whose parents we most need to talk to (or confront) never show up. Usually it is this lack of parental involvement that is a cause of the behavior or academic apathy in the first place, so no great loss. Then there are the semi-involved parents, whose child lies to them about not having homework. We had one who knew both children were lying to them, and got caught in lies in the conference, and still wouldn't admit they had lied. It comes as naturally as breathing to them, and it isn't a habit teachers are going to break. And then there are the parents who ignore their scheduled time and show up after the announcement that we are leaving, stay an extra 30 minutes to talk about their child (who gets into trouble, etc.), perhaps hoping that we will be easier on them since we just want to get the hell out after a 12 hour day.

I also started to get a bit pissed at my administration - since they sent 10 of us to the seminar for two days, they told us they would get subs. Well, that might have been an overstatement. I did my part, spent extra time preparing lessons that any literate person could guild the students through. Still, the kids didn't bother to listen, participate, read, or even attempt the work. My second day out they had the guidance counselor cover my classroom. I guess with over 100 teachers from the district at this seminar, subs were in short supply. But it meant that my kids were behind on Friday when I came back.

So Friday was a catch-up day. I taught them what I expected they should have learned on Wednesday, decided to throw Thursday out and hope for the best. I don't do as well in situations where I feel behind, plus I don't enjoy having my plans destroyed by something out of my control, but in the control of somebody who didn't bother to hold up their end. So Friday has some good parts (many students got the concept), some bad parts (students were in rare form, with a lot of disrespect and dis-interest), and I left feeling very down. Later I could look back and just chalk it up as an off day, which I shouldn't beat myself up for having. In the long run it won't affect the students (nothing much I do will), and I am a good enough teacher that the administration won't base things on a bad day. It is just hard for me, with the experiences I have had with being blamed for things out of my control, not to be edgy. And as a profession, lawmakers seem to want to make us responsible for all sorts of things like that, and it is frustrating. Parents, voters, lawmakers, administrators, students all think we are miracle workers, saints who can be shit on and still stay calm, but compensate us poorly, and never recognize openly, honestly and sincerely what we do on a daily basis.

Seminar

It was what was expected. Former teacher/principal turned motivational speaker. Good to hang out with some teachers I knew and some I didn't, and we all are pretty much in the same camp about where things are, where they are headed, and what we can do about it. Basic take-away from yesterday was - proper procedures taught at the beginning of the school year (sorry, I was hired 7 weeks in) can cut down on misbehavior, and I should not raise my voice or embarrass a student by calling out their behavior mistake, but should talk to them quietly in a less than 10 second burst. Don't argue, don't even discuss things until the student is calmed down. I can work with some of this stuff, but not convinced quite yet. It would take a lot of buy-in from the principal on down.

Trivia was fun, but sparse. Only 7 teams, and we dominated, leading at the end of the first round, and in first by 13 points before the final question. Only two teams were mathematically close enough to catch us - one bet nothing, like we did, the other bet a bunch and were wrong, as we were. So another big win. And my cousin-in-law Jon stopped in to hang with the team.

Last night's dream was a nervous one again. Back in my old, small house in New Hampshire, but with all my in-laws. There was nowhere for me to go to get privacy, literally, including a room that doesn't really exist (must have been a tesseract).

And today should be a doozy. Once the seminar finishes, back to school for re-scheduled parent/teacher conferences. A couple of teachers yesterday mentioned that the other conference night they had NO parents show up (parental involvement being a major part of student success). Oh well.

Mornings might be better

I have been lagging a lot in the evenings, and it is getting harder to remember to make a post here about the day, or whatever, so mornings might be the new thing. I usually have around an hour to do this and that, and usually I am in a slightly better mood than at night.

Those peaceful calming dreams are sort of continuing. No feeling dreams, and lots have included vignettes from NYC (last night I was visiting - along with executives of my former company - the basement of an apartment being built on 12th Avenue in Manhattan, complete with a swimming pool, and it got stranger from there), but no stress and anxiety. Maybe, hopefully, I have turned an emotional corner.

School is about the same. Finally had my video appointment, and the class went rather well. I do lessons easily, script them, remember what to interject, lots of praise. It is when the class won't cooperate, or one or two won't, that throws off the whole game. Friday morning I get to watch it with my guiding teacher, and we will see what I can improve. See ... positive attitude.

Today and tomorrow I am out of the school at a seminar for classroom management and motivating students. If rumors are true, there should be about 10 teachers from my school there - I know of at least 5 so far - and in the past I would have worried about students learning, my sub, etc. I spent a lot of time prepping the room for the sub, so if one shows up (my last one didn't) things will go smoothly. I am not even thinking about it, though. Tomorrow I will still have to trudge back to school, as the parent-teacher conferences from last week that were snowed out have been rescheduled.

Valentine's Day

Since we went out last night for dinner, to avoid the crush, I made some nice curry chicken with green veggies and raisins over rice. Mmmmm. And then just played a bit on the computer. Discovered a few new things I had missed in my online game which gives me a little something to do every day, if I choose.

School went rather well today. Overall kids were jazzed up about the "holiday" and were a little tough to control. On the flipside, I will see them tomorrow, then Friday (and Monday is a student holiday, although teachers have to report to in-service), then not again for a week. Not sure why my mood has mellowed a bit, but not feeling so distressed. Maybe those dreams did help to channel the anxiety away.

Sunny, 60s and 70s for the rest of the week. Probably have to mow the lawn soon.

Crazy crazy crazy

Last night, I had a dream. It wasn't so much as a memory, or sequence of events, but it was a feeling. In the dream, suddenly everything fit. There were two patterns, and whatever I was doing caused them to overlap and match. When I woke up, I felt calm and secure in my memory that everything would fit. I woke up five or six more times, each time disoriented about what day it was, what time it might be, etc. but I hung on to that surety of balance and fitting.

It reminded me of another "feeling" dream, years ago during my first job in New York. I woke up with a terrible feeling, since in my dream I had found my perfect love, then lost it, somehow. That Monday, I got laid off (not exactly fired - I think the term downsized) from a job I loved. So I put some stake in these feelings. Can't say I have been comforted today - still have the shakes and what Hunter S. Thompson called "the fear."

But, my day is planned for tomorrow, and the two days I will be on my seminar are planned, but I still am being overwhelmed by every little decision, every task, weighing on me way more heavily than it should. I can't let go, and I am being dragged down. Back in the mid-70s the US went through an "energy crisis." I was this way for that entire summer, wondering if there would be enough fuel, enough energy to still maintain civilization. I would get extremely tense and nervous, and having a full stomach just made it worse. These days remind me of that time.

As a surprise, pre-Valentine's, I took the family to a nice dinner at Bosco's on the Square, a brewery/restaurant. It is a step up from our usual non-fast-food dining, and was unexpected. The next hurdle is planning the Spring Break trip north (March 14 - 18 if memory serves, and I am too lazy to open another window to check).

Spring?

I tell you, it comes in February here. Even though we got a few inches of snow, the daffodils were already a few inches higher than that, and the weather doomcriers are saying it will be 70 before the week is out. Yes, for those of you in snowbound climates, I am twisting the knife. And I would rather be there than here. I miss "real" snow, and cities that have at least a single plow in the public works garage. The jingle of the chains on the salt trucks.

Plus, this is the doldrums of the year. Few holidays, usually cold and damp, days too short to do much once the work is done...just kind of blah. And it takes my mood with it. At least today I got to sleep/doze as long as I cared to - no commitments. Possibly the only Saturday in the month for that, as I might be on the road to Tupelo next weekend. I hope, anyhow, as that extra income will be a nice nest egg hidden away for a rainy day, or to flee the country.

Friday Hangover

Yes, it is Friday, but it feels like a Monday thanks to the snow day. Didn't leave the house at all - sub-freezing most of the day, and no reason to go anywhere. Just waited for Mr. Sunshine to melt/dry the roads, which pretty much happened.

Car is pretty iced up - frost on all the windows (snow-free thanks to my Wednesday night drive) - but melting snow has frozen and made a skirt around the bottom. Some serious snow turds there for any tailgaters today. Might have a bit of trouble opening the doors, too. We will see.

Working hard still on relaxing. That is an oxymoron for sure. My day has been planned for several days, and it is all about catching up now. Probably a lot of kids will be out today as well, but several meetings, followups and planning for next week (when I will be offsite for two days) will fill any free time.

Now, that's a snowstorm

Well, for Memphis, anyhow. I still say school should have been completely canceled, because by the time we got kids out of the building for a 1:30 dismissal, it was 2:00 and the roads were hell. My 15 minute commute was 90 minutes, 30 of which were the last half mile. Hard to see out the windshield for condensation/fog on the inside, most people driving very slowly, except for the few idiots who drove too fast and liked to swerve from lane to lane.

But still hit the bar for trivia, of which there was none. But socialized with the team, had some soft drinks, and enjoyed the slow and steady drive to and from. Packed snow and ice, since Memphis has no use for snow plows, salt/sand trucks or anything. And since the temps won't go above freezing until late tomorrow, if at all, the roads won't get any better. Which made it easy for the schools to announce they will be closed tomorrow - yay, sleeping in.

Realization

I have two classes, both at the end of the day, who I haven't seen in almost a week. Thursday I was out in the afternoon and my sub bailed, so the kids got divided among the other classes. Friday we had a concert/assembly, and yesterday school was released early, so we basically only had a single class. Kind of tough on them.

And the hubbub is all about "no school" tomorrow, although the weather reports seem to indicate snow starting around noon or later. The storm should go for a good 12 hours or more, so the chances are good if Wednesday is not canceled, then Thursday will be. Or maybe both. I would prefer to hear something tonight about tomorrow, though, so I can sleep late (as if the dogs would let me).

Finally, been reading a book loaned to me by my mentor, who, in a stunning change from my mentor in the city schools, actually mentors me. It is about Love and Logic, and promotes caring and putting the kids psychologically on the submissive side by dealing with them when YOU have time, not immediately. Letting them stew a bit, and telling them "don't worry about this." I have been trying some of the techniques (and one of the points is that experiments that don't work are not failures on the teacher's part) which don't seem to be geared toward urban youth. But you never know. Some good points about giving the kids a choice, but making sure both choices are something the teacher wants. I am willing to try anything, and it helped keep me calmer today, anyhow.

More Winter Weather

Weather predictors got this one WAY wrong. At 6am the weather guy says it will be all rain because it was 9 degrees above freezing. It was rain all the way to work - then from 8, right after I got into the building, until 830 it turned to snow, hard sticking snow that put 2 inches of slush on streets already wet. About 1/4 of the students just never showed up, and school was let out 2 hours early. Which means this was a waste of a day, teaching-wise, and just served to up my blood pressure, since the bad weather was for drop-off, not pick-up. And there are forecasts of a worse storm coming on Wednesday. Is it too much to ask to cancel school the night before, so I can just stay in bed?

Hyperventilation is not good. Panic attacks while picking out clothes to wear to school shouldn't stress me this much. I am a bundle of nerves, strung tight.

Thoughts and Time

I seem to live faster than the people around me. It bothers me. Not that I anticipate things (I broke that habit a long time ago when I tried to complete peoples' sentences - and discovered it was not "normal." It doesn't even bother me when people do it to me, now. I just keep talking), but my mind races over thoughts, repeating them. So they become etched more firmly in my mind.

This might not be a bad thing, except for the persistence of memory, and that bad things tend to stick around more easily and potently than good ones. My worries, usually unfounded ones, chase each other around and around the tree of my mind until the path is good and worn, and I am tired out. And only a few minutes have passed for everyone else.

The Talking Heads summed up my physicality right now...tense and nervous, can't relax. No, not a psycho killer, but I am keyed up, jittery, like a speed freak, but only on the inside. And so when I explode over some little thing, it is not a little thing to me, it is something that I have lived and re-lived dozens of times since it happened. And I don't think this jittery, fight-or-flight anxiety is visible to anybody, so I come off as a crazy person.

Anyhow, I am getting better at typing and playing games with a cat on my forearms. She is getting old now, and much thinner. Her glory days are behind her, as are her fat days...her skin is loose and petting her, I can feel her spine. But she likes to sleep on my stomach/lap here at the computer, and I can't deny her that, even if it gets in the way. She snuggles with only one other cat - the other two (the male and the kitten) she hisses at, as she does with the larger dog. The smaller one doesn't bother her. As a result, she tends to stay in one or two spots instead of roaming all over the house with the other cats. The second older female is her companion, but can also endure attention from the male and the kitten. She has also learned, from the kitten, the skill of jumping over the gate into the bedroom in a sort of vertical hurdle. Mainly to get the kitten's food, in our bathroom, But sometimes to sleep, unmolested, on the bed during the day. At night it belongs to the dogs and the kitten. Odd how they carve up the territory, but coexist.

What's Normal?

I have never been "normal." I seem to be outside of most groups, looking in, trying to blend in or figure out what I should be doing to fit in. With all these decades of practice, I might be the only one who knows I am not fitting in. Sometimes I wonder if the act has become the reality, and this is what I am habituated to be from now on. The new normal.

It is the kind of philosophy exercise that is more fun when drunk. We all learn at some point that "this" color is called blue. And we slowly recognize that everybody else defines it as blue too. I have some colorblind friends, and I am sure they had tons of confusion because people would identify the same colors with different names. They weren't "normal" but eventually worked out the solution, or at least recognized the problem.

Some things that go on with me, inside my head, are and always have been. I don't know if everybody has them. I get constant flashes of disjointed memories - for no reason. Sometimes they trigger others, sometimes they are just a vivid place or setting...random neurons releasing data. And once the memory pops up, it is clear as yesterday, and refreshed so it isn't from 20 years ago, or longer, it is from today. These things happen without my willing them to, and I can't stop them. I once tried to explain why this was disturbing to me, to my shrink, and she didn't get it. It was as if she saw it as "normal" that people had these vivid flashbacks all the time, and maybe it is. But for me it doesn't seem like what everybody else goes through. Junior Sawyer on New Road had oxen. He was a big guy in denim overalls. There was a field of sheep, and the farm butted against the shore of the Bay (and I never realized the bay came around that side of town - I always associated it with Bay Road, and the farms out there - once I remember being taken to a barn on Bay Road that belonged to the father of my 2nd grade teacher, to see a newborn calf. I don't remember her name, but it will come back within 30 minutes without me trying. The crazy part is, these memories are from at least 40 years ago. I have no clue how my parents knew these people, or why I was there. I just remember.)

So, rather than seeming odd by blurting out these memories, which by the way won't make any sense to anybody who didn't grow up in my small New Hampshire town - and there are fewer and fewer of them, and the town is slowly changing and evolving out of what it was back then. In fact, I think it is already something different, and only lives in my memory (flash - running (literally on foot) around the town after a huge summer storm that theoretically spawned a tornado. Rain, downed wires on the Weitzel's "new" house across from the cemetery where trees were snapped off like twigs 15 feet up. Over the Elm Street hill by the little league park, police loudspeakers telling people to go home. I know I wasn't alone, but I have no clue who was with me. I also can't place the year, but I would have been in early high school, I think. Back in those days, and still, I don't really remember street names, just that so-and-so lived there. Like the little street across from Marcotte's that ran to the right of the fire station (which I imagine is no longer a fire station), with the wrinkle ranch to the right (which had a youth center I remember frequenting, and before that was a day care), and the street made a 90 degree right turn and a couple of houses down on the right was the "old" Weitzel house. And that street eventually meets Elm Street.

OK, done rambling now. Imagine, though, this happening all the time in your head, and you are powerless to stop it, but just dragged along for the ride. Is it any wonder I work so hard on distracting myself (to no avail, usually).

A First

Sitting here in McDonalds using the free WiFi, following my one-on-one tutoring session. Lots of strange bouncing around in my head right now. It was so much like my old life in advertising, presenting slide show presentations to a client, in a corporate boardroom (Hilton headquarters, which by the way are quite nice). The difference is I got paid in cash. And the lady I was tutoring is obviously a product of the calculator/computer generation. She did admit the program she was applying for was more concerned with her verbal than her math...she will probably pass, though.

Harder and harder to remember to put something up here. Sometimes I just don't feel like there is much to say, other times I just crave the warmth and oblivion of going to bed. Yesterday was the latter, definitely. Friday was a zoo at school - with one teacher out for a few days (sick enough to be at Dallas at the Super Bowl) and a "black history month" concert in the gym taking up an hour near, but not at, the end of the day...never good to get the kids wound up (they didn't appreciate the music, just the chance to get loud and act crazy) then give them back to their homeroom teachers for 40 minutes before dismissal. Ended up having to call two parents - one of whom we already have scheduled for Thursday parent/teacher. Yeah, that evening where we stay 2 hours after school to talk to parents of discipline or academic children.

And the fallout from my old school still continues. A rumor I had heard is now confirmed on several news broadcasts - a tragedy last year that didn't make a ripple, until the principal got removed. 13-year old (somehow) smacks her head into a steel doorframe in the middle of a hall. I have seen it happen, especially with kids that are goofing around, running, or whatever. Anyhow, she smacks her head good, then goes home, complains of a headache, goes to bed and dies. No accident report filed at the school, no ambulance called (not surprising, as I imagine the kid didn't want the fuss), parents not informed. I would put this all up on a terrible tragedy, except for a couple of things that are hinted at in the news (driven, of course, by the legal team who will be suing the school system). First, there appear to be no security footage of the incident. Whether it was "accidentally" deleted or not, who knows. Second, when the principal was asked about the incident, seems that she claimed it never happened, couldn't explain the lack of an incident report, etc. Add those two together and you get a principal who had several issues with poor judgment, sloppy paperwork, and other things that caused a bad environment...but only got canned because she was about to cost the school system millions of dollars in a lawsuit that is basically a slamdunk for whichever lawyer gets it. The local news station is promoting a special report on this for Monday. Should be interesting.

Half Day

I haven't taken a half day as far as I can remember. Arranged a sub, and then the sub bailed, which meant all my prep for him/her (probably her) went by the wayside and my team teachers split up my last three classes of the day. Which normally wouldn't suck, but another of the teachers is out for a week. Meh...at least the test I had planned for them won't go stale by tomorrow.

Doctors offices never change. My MRI was at St. Francis, but they didn't mention that it was not in the main building. Turns out the place I wanted to go is directly across from the elevators I take to my psychiatrist, but I walked about a half a mile through hospital corridors to get there by parking in front of the hospital. I was told to be there by 1:30, with the MRI scheduled for 2. I was early, but I didn't get to the claims processor until 2. And with it being a new year, I got the nasty surprise of paying for most of the test with my $750 deductible. For that much I am kind of hoping for something more than a clean bill of health.

Starting to feel more positive about school. People are supportive, I can see that some of my students are making progress - and I wonder how much I could have gotten done with an extra 9 weeks of ME teaching instead of somebody else. Friday afternoons are going to be devoted to shoring up TCAP skills, and I am ready for that, as well as filling in the lessons that go with the test questions on which they did poorly. Got to work in the next round of formative assessment, too. Time is going to fly, and I am going to continue to treat it like AA...one day at a time.

Back in the Saddle

Trivia was a rousing success and we are back to our usual form. Missed only one question, not counting the halftime and reign once again. Good conversation, laughs, scuttlebutt on the principal at the former school (now former principal - despite the news reporting a temporary removal pending an investigation, her career is effectively over).

Ole Miss wants me back in Tupelo in 2 weeks, if they can scare up enough students. I know my "partner" who does the verbal end of things didn't go down there in October because there was not enough demand. I think math scares people more, so they pony up the money to have their memories refreshed. And I am WAY more prepared now than that last time, and it is only a single 5 hour session. AND they pay me mileage, which is pretty sweet, too. This just means that I will have spent 4 out of 5 Saturdays doing this, but having a (small) nest egg put aside is a good thing.

I am still down on myself, much more than anybody else, about my teaching. I constantly worry that I am not differentiating enough, or breaking it down simply enough, or making it constructive enough to be effective. And then a small but growing part of me says "do what you can with what you have, and don't sweat the details."

Tomorrow I have a CAT scan to make sure there are no unwanted guests in my head, on the basis of my severe headaches. I think I have had about half a dozen of these since coming to Memphis. I used to get bad sinus issues annually, so my head was examined frequently. This means a 1/2 day of school, which stresses me a small bit, but again, trying not to sweat it.

Two down

And just one make-up session for new teachers. A re-hash of what I got at Memphis City Schools, but better done, with more enthusiasm and encouragement. At least it didn't feel like a total waste of time. Keeping my eye on the end of the month when all these different meetings, testings, requirements, etc. are over. Plus, it just came to me, in about six weeks it will be Spring Break.

My one-on-one pupil gave the greenlight for Saturday, so another 4 hour session, but it should be lots easier. And I guess my rates must be reasonable, since nobody has said "no" yet. And even better, got a call from Ole Miss Tupelo where I did my first session, and they seem to be looking to have another one this spring. I will know more when I call them back, probably tomorrow.

The other call was the appointment for my CAT scan. I seem to get a lot of these, from nerve pinches in my neck to chronic sinus issues. Looks like I will be taking a half day from school, which I think is do-able, but it will be a first for me. Other teachers seem to do it quite a bit.

A big question right now is - do I splurge some of my tutoring money on an iPad, or wait for one more session and upgrade my computer? I have put a bunch of work into it to keep it alive, including an upgraded power supply and a mid-range video card. But it seems every 5 years I can invest the same amount and get more than double the RAM and hard drive storage (not that I ever use all of it, plus we have a USB backup of 500GB).