Pre-Dawn Doubts

Nothing like a night of terrible sleep, which has been happening more and more lately, joined by a bird outside, possibly a dove or something (coo coo is close to whoo whoo, but owls are not likely), the ceiling fan over-cooling me (I get no choice in the matter, regardless of the sub 60 temperature outside) - well, the gremlins of self-doubt came calling for an extended session of self-reflection, recrimination and just all around paranoia. Nice restful combination.

First things first. I am no longer a teacher. I chose this path thinking it would be rewarding to me, but if that is true the rewards are too far down the line to help me cope with the day to day frustrations. I stuck with Ridgeway Middle out of stubbornness, need to complete 5 years at one school to absolve my student loans, and fear that moving anywhere else would be worse. None of these reasons were good (except maybe the 2nd one). I was a good teacher, and I was growing in understanding the student mind-set. There were some good and trustworthy people around me, but there were more people who had their own agenda, which I didn't fit into. I have never been good at reading people - I like things spelled out for me, and human motivation has too many nuances and fluctuates too much for me to comprehend. And when I think I have it, I am way off base. So I tend to just keep my head down and let others' machinations play out. So at Ridgeway I existed, but I didn't thrive. I could have left on my own terms - in fact I would probably have left at the end of that school year in any case.

Enter mis-judgment. A school that drops 2 long-standing teachers over the Christmas break should throw up multiple red-flags to a prospective teacher. Not only did I ignore them (willfully), but I jumped from the City Schools in the middle of the year (well, actually with no notice), burning the bridge behind me. No going back, although I probably wouldn't have considered it. Going forward it may be obvious to everyone but me, save in hindsight, that I was under a microscope from day 1. There were parents with hidden agendas, who wanted the school to be more like other, more prestigious private and parochial schools. I sabotaged myself by trying to be "cool" and likeable to the students, some of whom were only at the school because it was the only one that would take them after failing to behave at multiple others. 8th graders who are in their first year at a new school have no history, no drive to behave, and don't recognize many consequences. And behind all this, the principal was being railroaded out by the shadow council of parents and pastor. I definitely made mistakes, but everyone does, coming into a new school, especially in the middle of a school year. Those first weeks were like being a substitute, and there was no system in place for me to learn. The teacher who was supposed to show me the ropes was so hands off I never knew there were assessments for the teaching of Confirmation. I was hung out to dry by her, and she is still there (having taught my wife decades ago), while other more modern and capable teachers are not. I will say it again - I made mistakes and bad decisions, so I bear some responsibility. But not all, and even if I had not made the mistakes (nobody is perfect, and you would think a Catholic school would hold a little with forgiveness), I think I would have been forced out. Still, I have trouble not blaming myself, even in a no-win situation. The whole experience shook my faith in myself as a teacher, my faith in the leaders of my parish, both religious and lay (the parents in power are also powerful members of the parish - fund-raisers, etc.) It makes it hard to go to church, and harder to stand in front of them and perform as a lector. Another year, since this year the school requires tithing as a member of the parish (which we have been for 10 years) to qualify for in-parish tuition.

With all this rocking my world, I questioned remaining a teacher. I spent several weeks searching for non-teaching jobs with very little success. My trivia team, who all have experience in the County schools, convinced me that I was a good teacher and should not give up. Problem was, I was well behind the hiring curve, so when I was offered a spot at a school that I was not overjoyed with, I took it. I had my doubts, and would have preferred not to have been offered the job, to be honest. But I needed a paycheck, and any job was better than no job. Naturally, several other things came up within weeks of starting, but that is water under the bridge. So I convinced myself that it couldn't be too bad, and I embraced all the good differences the County offered. I tried to ignore the warning signs that this school was almost exactly like Ridgeway Middle, right down to some of the Ridgeway students who had faked new addresses to attend. The school was in its second year of being K-8, instead of 6-8. The staff was still recovering from this switch, with many teachers in grades they did not prefer, and with few staff able to transfer out to other schools, despite seniority. The principal was brand new, the third in three years, and I now (not at the time) discover he moved from guidance to principal, never taught in a classroom, never had to manage a classroom of middle school students daily - but had the "luxury" of only dealing with the problems one-on-one. Again, I made some mistakes. Again, I started out tentatively, like a substitute teacher. And again, it seems there was a hidden agenda. Looking back, the writing was on the wall before the end of the calendar year. I had a meeting with the principal and assistant principal and was told my voice carries, and I was too loud. During a problem with my classroom door, where it would not open, locking my class out at dismissal, I asked a student to move to the back of a line several times, then took him by the arm, which was cited as a no-no. Never EVER touch the students (sub-text: White man). All of this after just 3 months. Tongues were wagging on the hall, and two of my grade level teachers, one being the grade chair, were so unsupportive that when I asked a procedural question about giving a standardized test, they laughed at me rather than give me the information. They would sabotage me by holding back information then watch me struggle with or over-exert myself to perform a task. And then they would inform the principal of my difficulties.

When I finally lost my composure and tossed my badge on the desk, after appealing to the guidance counselor, my exemplary teacher (sort of the mentor for all teachers), my assistant principal (who was in and out all year for National Guard duties), my grade level teachers...the principal chided me for not asking for help. His open door policy meant that I should have come to talk about anything at all. So I opened up to him and the exemplary teacher - said what I felt and doubted and worried about. Expressed that I wasn't sure there was a fit with me and the school, or maybe with teaching. Talked honestly about my frustrations, and the lack of student response to different classroom management strategies. Again, I missed the writing on the wall, as the principal talked about having to make tough decisions that don't just affect a person, but a family. As he talked about the possibility of me going back to the City schools. As he mentioned, in a sideways fashion, some of his concerns - but never directly. A lot of this conversation got repeated during my meeting to inform me of his recommendation to not renew me.

Was I on the way out before I even began again? Possibly. Did other people, teachers, parents, custodians, influence the principal without him making his own observations? Definitely. Did the principal talk to others who have been in my classroom, such as my mentor teacher, my co-teacher and teaching aide, other teachers on my hall, etc.? No, never. I think (but still don't feel - and we will come back to that in a moment) the principal regretted hiring me and had opposition from my two grade teachers. As a new teacher, I was bound to the school for three years and could not transfer. Since the school was never over capacity, he could not get rid of me through surplussing. His only choice was to end my career, rather than help to make me a better teacher, if that was ever an option. That was always the message in the new-teacher meetings, but in his review he considered me a seasoned teacher and used that against me, while the rest of the system treated me like a wet-behind-the-ears novice. Convenient.

So, in my mind I can see I was doomed, maybe from the start. I have doubts about whether I should have taken the job in the first place. In a way it is good that I didn't have to make the call, but it was made for me. But in my heart, in my emotional core, it is another personal failure, on top of another one last year. The pattern repeats. And I am the common factor. I might be able to work past that, if only I can start to believe my own lies/truths. I need to accept that I am a good person, a good teacher, and believe myself over these external powers-that-be who review and rate me. I have to ignore "evidence" that contradicts what I want to believe, which is what got me in trouble in the first place, by ignoring evidence that I didn't belong, or was being railroaded. And I need to believe it enough to convince somebody to give me a job even though my resume looks like I am damaged goods, leaving or being left by 3 jobs in 18 months. It will be hard to explain - especially since I would rather just be honest, which won't be believed.

These next few months are going to be a huge challenge.