Yeah, I know. Once I get distracted it is pretty hard to come back and pick up the writing again. Part of it is a bad (?) habit - I think too much. So all the crap I mull over day to day doesn't seem to need to be put down electronically. Sometimes I forget, then I get lazy, but never get the motivation to start in. If you said "one of the signs of depression" you would be quite right, although that particular rut in my personality might remain once the depression departs.
For fun, I am going to treat this return as a sort of interview. It will probably be long, so feel free to skip to the end where you find out I am still alive.
What have you been up to this summer?
Not much. (yes, a cop-out answer) The job prospect paused at the beginning of July after we submitted the proposals, which are now at the whim of the government. The only one that has been funded came in well after it was predicted, with a very short turnaround (2 months instead of 16) for the second expanded proposal. If and when funding is received both the wife and I will be on staff through the end of 2012.
Around that same time both the wife and daughter flew up to Brooklyn to visit, and the daughter stayed to hang out with her older sister. I think this is awesome that they have a great sisterly relationship despite (or maybe because of) their six year age difference. Of course they don't really stay in touch with me, so I hear the exploits second or third-hand. Youngest flew home (all by herself) a couple weeks ago, and it is really good to have her back. She is growing so fast and really matured a bit hanging with her sister and godmother, and doing all sorts of big-city stuff that is inconceivable here in Memphis. Just found out last night that my oldest is going to take a train from New York up to NH to visit my mother, then on to spend time with my father. Funny that neither of these people were major presences in her life growing up, so in one sense it is good that she is seeking them out. My grandparents were semi-regular visits (my maternal grands never visited, we went to them), despite the distances I saw them a whole lot, but being a kid I never paid much attention to the conversations or family stories.
Without work to occupy me I had plenty of time to get into mischief. I spent two days while home alone painting the dining room, a project that has been on the list for 2 years. Not my list, mind you, but the wife's. She is the painter. I hate it. But I did a kickass job of it, including some very decent cutting in at the ceiling. I also did a little landscaping (no not the moustache, although that is another outlet, which drives the wife crazy - she hates it), brushed out the dogs to the point where we had several dog-sized piles of fur on the deck. Cars eventually came back from the shop, repaired, to be parked on the new driveway, wide enough for 3 cars (carefully parked).
Lots of catching up on reading, too. Both Patrick Rothfuss books I got in March were finally read (I had read the first back when it came out, but the second was all new). Patiently waited for July 12 and then inhaled A Dance with Dragons. Side note - we switched over to AT&T U-Verse, which we like a lot, and we had HBO for about the first week, so got to watch the first 3 episodes of a Game of Thrones. Now waiting for a friend to pass along his bootleg DVRd copy of the series. And just last week read the newest Harry Dresden (A wizard named Harry - go figure). Now I am wading through the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is compelling but not terribly fast paced or even that interesting.
Facebook has been a mixed blessing. Games are just time wasters, but I still do a couple or three. Lately a neat little memory-lane group about Newmarket (the hometown) has been burning up the place - fun and getting me to realize a few things, including how oblivious I was to the surroundings. Partly my own myopia, partly the fact that we moved to the town when I was 4, so we didn't have the depth of roots of most of the town families. Still fun to read about.
How are you coping with not working?
It has been easy and hard. I feel compelled to be working on something, but often don't have the energy to do anything. Naps can pounce on me if I lie down and get comfortable. I fret about money, health coverage, all that modern crap. Started walking in the mornings (when it is only in the low 90s) last week...1.3 miles in about 20 minutes. Getting easier, but taking it slow to start. I am not actively seeking work, because I really want this firm to get their funding and bring me on staff. But at some point I will have to find some employment. And the waiting is putting stress on my mental well-being.
The reading is good, and have seen a few movies this summer - all escapism and action and stuff. Thor was OK, Green Lantern less so. Took youngest to Harry Potter, since she wouldn't see it in New York due to bedbug infestations in theaters. Captain America has been the best so far, and I was mildly disappointed in Cowboys and Aliens. Great acting, concept was kind of lacking. And the disturbing realization that the pink "hands" the aliens have in their chests are actually their sex organs (why else have them inside armor, right in front of the heart? Sensitive, delicate work, only exposed in certain situations....hmmmm....bet they didn't intend that).
How's your health?
So glad you asked. Mentally, I struggle. Working on positive thinking, faith in the future and (as I used to say when much younger) the inherent story-book-ness of life. Everything will work out.
On the other hand, last month I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains. Not on the right side where my persnickety gall bladder will sometimes annoy me, but the other side. I could breathe fine, but it kept me awake and concerned enough to call my doctor. Which led to a trip to a cardiologist, a 24 hour blood pressure monitor, and a treadmill stress test. My heart is fine, blood pressure high, now maintained through a daily pill.
Having ruled out the heart (and thinking more about my general health, realizing that I have been feeling this way for a long time) I noticed that I still have trouble breathing. It feels as if I am neck deep in water - muscles are tired of working to draw breath. So back to my GP - blood work (oh yeah, the cardiologist referred my abnormal blood results to him) and a breathing test. Lungs are also good. The shortness of breath and fatigue are all due to severe anemia and low hemoglobin. Treatable by a B-12 shot and iron pills, but in men this indicates the blood is going somewhere (and not into a vampire). No blood in my stool (yeah, that was fun), so now I am scheduled for a colonoscopy, and as the doctor said (great doctor, by the way, fun and easy going, I asked if I could get a video of my colon, but he can only do stills), since you will be under and have a history of gastro-reflux, we will do both ends. That is the end of next week, and the build up to the procedure will be grueling. Low fiber for 3 days (low residue, I think is the term), then a day of nothing but liquids, capped by a half gallon of gatorade mixed with a month's worth of laxative....Oh yeah, this is going to be unpleasant. And the following day I am doing a GRE tutoring session (another stressor, since the test just changed and they added some content that is more complicated than before).
Enough for now. The heat has somewhat broken - bank sign said only 89 this evening on the way to Target.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Greenery and stuff and other stuff
Gardens grow nicely with sun and thunderstorms and some more sun. Even if I forget to water them. Fig tree is viciously leafing all over the place and its neighbor the pumpkin (that I hosed off the concrete patio) is occupying an area greater than my living room. Beautyberry has flowers and soon berries. One tomato progressing so far. And lawn is staying dry so not a lot of growth there.
And speaking of growth, had a nice "company" meeting (that is in quotes because the company is four of us at the moment) where they laid out budgets and plans for us. Wife will be at least part time through 2012, making more than she has in several years. This might move to full time which would make her salary close to what I made as a teacher. I am under contract through the end of the month, but got a huge thumbs up from the CEO who said I was saving him lots of work, and today the COO told me I had done a super job on the 40 page Phase 2 proposal. Hooray for unasked for praise. If some of these jobs are awarded, I will go full time through 2012 as well (giving 18 months to land even more business) at a decent salary. With both of us working full time we would bring home more than I did during my best year in NYC.
Father's Day, actually the day before, we went to a "safari" park about an hour away. Huge tracts of land with free roaming emus, ostriches, buffalo, gnus, llamas, deer and antelope, horses and donkeys. For a fee you get tubs of feed and the animals will come right up and sometimes even stick their heads in the window. Daughter got to hold a baby kangaroo and feed carrots to a giraffe. We found shed peacock tail feathers (bonus!) and had a generally fun day, especially since the storms held off, although the tornado siren test at noon spooked us a bit, as lightning was illuminating the horizon.
My car is in the shop, should be released in 2 weeks in time for inspection. Fun.
And speaking of growth, had a nice "company" meeting (that is in quotes because the company is four of us at the moment) where they laid out budgets and plans for us. Wife will be at least part time through 2012, making more than she has in several years. This might move to full time which would make her salary close to what I made as a teacher. I am under contract through the end of the month, but got a huge thumbs up from the CEO who said I was saving him lots of work, and today the COO told me I had done a super job on the 40 page Phase 2 proposal. Hooray for unasked for praise. If some of these jobs are awarded, I will go full time through 2012 as well (giving 18 months to land even more business) at a decent salary. With both of us working full time we would bring home more than I did during my best year in NYC.
Father's Day, actually the day before, we went to a "safari" park about an hour away. Huge tracts of land with free roaming emus, ostriches, buffalo, gnus, llamas, deer and antelope, horses and donkeys. For a fee you get tubs of feed and the animals will come right up and sometimes even stick their heads in the window. Daughter got to hold a baby kangaroo and feed carrots to a giraffe. We found shed peacock tail feathers (bonus!) and had a generally fun day, especially since the storms held off, although the tornado siren test at noon spooked us a bit, as lightning was illuminating the horizon.
My car is in the shop, should be released in 2 weeks in time for inspection. Fun.
Monday, June 13, 2011
A big week
Yeah yeah, I haven't been typing on here in a while. Motivation low, but overall outlook has been up. Job is working out fine, I just hope a contract hits soon so I can be actually hired rather than on contract for June. Lots of wordsmithing (think grant writing), but also a lot of thinking and discussing ideas that may or may not work out.
On the non-work front, had an excellent but way too short visit with a super friend on Tuesday. It is friends like this that make your sense of time and space warp, so that a six hour drive across the state for a one day visit is not actual insanity, but a normal natural thing to do.
The final stages of bamboo removal, which involves sneaking (well, not really, the fence is basically down, it is the six feet from the fence to the neighbor's house) into the neighbor's yard to pry up bamboo before/as it grows. I am not in the shape I was even 2 years ago, which wasn't top shape, so I can only do it for 15 minutes at a time. Slow progress, but steady.
Trivia semi-finals. Fun, but a disaster in a lot of ways. We choked badly on the back half, and a couple I could have over-ridden but I tend to defer to others. We had plenty of answers pulled out of the air, but just couldn't redeem. During the contest a huge storm blew through, enough wind to force rain through the air conditioner above us and shower us with water. Then upon leaving, I was parked in by a truck that stuck past the end of the parking space by 3 to 4 feet. No way to maneuver either direction, so ended up taking a hit on the drivers side, from the driver's door to the gas cap. I think some buffing will take a bit of the ugliness away, but there a couple spots where paint flaked and one good impression at the back end. Ugh.
Oh, and Saturday morning, with our Groupon in hand (paid $40 for $200 credit), we went to Mattress Firm and got a new mattress, first in 10 years or more. Since Queen was the same price as Full (Our bed frame/headboard is full) we finally (!) upgraded and just left the headboard standing alone (it is a sort of bookcase thing that can stand on its own). Daughter got the old mattress as a hand-me-down and everybody is happy and sleeping soundly.
And yesterday went to see Super 8. I had no expectations and didn't let the wife and daughter know anything about it, so everybody was pleased. Excellent place setting and nostalgia for me...small town in 1979. Little bits that were snuck in for atmosphere really hit home.
On the non-work front, had an excellent but way too short visit with a super friend on Tuesday. It is friends like this that make your sense of time and space warp, so that a six hour drive across the state for a one day visit is not actual insanity, but a normal natural thing to do.
The final stages of bamboo removal, which involves sneaking (well, not really, the fence is basically down, it is the six feet from the fence to the neighbor's house) into the neighbor's yard to pry up bamboo before/as it grows. I am not in the shape I was even 2 years ago, which wasn't top shape, so I can only do it for 15 minutes at a time. Slow progress, but steady.
Trivia semi-finals. Fun, but a disaster in a lot of ways. We choked badly on the back half, and a couple I could have over-ridden but I tend to defer to others. We had plenty of answers pulled out of the air, but just couldn't redeem. During the contest a huge storm blew through, enough wind to force rain through the air conditioner above us and shower us with water. Then upon leaving, I was parked in by a truck that stuck past the end of the parking space by 3 to 4 feet. No way to maneuver either direction, so ended up taking a hit on the drivers side, from the driver's door to the gas cap. I think some buffing will take a bit of the ugliness away, but there a couple spots where paint flaked and one good impression at the back end. Ugh.
Oh, and Saturday morning, with our Groupon in hand (paid $40 for $200 credit), we went to Mattress Firm and got a new mattress, first in 10 years or more. Since Queen was the same price as Full (Our bed frame/headboard is full) we finally (!) upgraded and just left the headboard standing alone (it is a sort of bookcase thing that can stand on its own). Daughter got the old mattress as a hand-me-down and everybody is happy and sleeping soundly.
And yesterday went to see Super 8. I had no expectations and didn't let the wife and daughter know anything about it, so everybody was pleased. Excellent place setting and nostalgia for me...small town in 1979. Little bits that were snuck in for atmosphere really hit home.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Slowly Unwinding
The rest of the week went a lot better. Wednesday we won our trivia night, and felt better, especially listening to the two teachers who were in the classroom all day, closing out for the year.
The new job is pretty good. It is kind of hard to describe, but in short I am the right-hand-man for a guy who is basically a consultant. His field is computer AI, training/programming computers to interpret various inputs and act on them. He jokes that his PhD dissertation was SkyNet. We both speak nerd and that is a good thing. The business could be described as a think tank, if there were more people. Friday we brought in three other doctorates (professors) from U of Memphis to talk about some of the proposals we are writing - that is the business end of things. We write proposals for SBIR (Small Business Innovation Research) funding, usually from a branch of the government. Phase 1 is the starting point - proposing a solution to a problem, and showing you have expertise to further research a solution. If granted, you get a small grant, usually $70,000 to $100,000, and an invitation to submit for Phase 2, where you do the research and create a limited model, if approved. We are submitting a Phase 2 in a hurry - Phase 1 was approved a month ago (we should have been told a year ago). Plus 4 other Phase 1 write-ups...one is entirely my own, the others I am organizing but will have lots of input from the people who will do the research. Relaxed atmosphere, I know what to do and have no problems with asking questions, bouncing things off of others, etc. And I feel valued for my intellect, even if I have fewer letters after my name than everybody else (one or more PhDs for all involved, except myself, with a lowly Masters). I am contracted for June, and hopefully some funding will come in that will allow me to be put on full time (fingers crossed). Government money is funny that way - it can be "discovered" near the end of a fiscal period and need to be spent in a short amount of time (as happened to the company last year), which means money gets tossed around, computers and other hardware are purchased, etc.
Also this past Saturday I finished my GRE/GMAT sessions, which were sparsely attended but well received. Another time when I can let my nerd flag fly and not worry about sounding smart.
Hot as hell here lately. Air not moving, so ozone alerts all the time, which means the backyard is growing tall from not mowing. I am managing to water the garden plants daily, though, so things are looking good. Fig tree is waist high and thriving. New trees are doing OK now that I have prevented the dog from jumping on them. Wild pumpkin (we had one from last year dissolve, and I hosed it off the concrete, where it is now growing wildly), tomatoes, raspberry are all showing good growth. And the blueberry bush that usually gets picked over by birds has a bumper crop, with plenty of ripe fruit not claimed by avian scavengers.
Each day I relax a little bit more. It is a slow process, and I work at not stressing myself over things, and so far it is working. I am spending more time reading, and plan to get back to some sort of exercise program soon. Happy is in the forecast.
The new job is pretty good. It is kind of hard to describe, but in short I am the right-hand-man for a guy who is basically a consultant. His field is computer AI, training/programming computers to interpret various inputs and act on them. He jokes that his PhD dissertation was SkyNet. We both speak nerd and that is a good thing. The business could be described as a think tank, if there were more people. Friday we brought in three other doctorates (professors) from U of Memphis to talk about some of the proposals we are writing - that is the business end of things. We write proposals for SBIR (Small Business Innovation Research) funding, usually from a branch of the government. Phase 1 is the starting point - proposing a solution to a problem, and showing you have expertise to further research a solution. If granted, you get a small grant, usually $70,000 to $100,000, and an invitation to submit for Phase 2, where you do the research and create a limited model, if approved. We are submitting a Phase 2 in a hurry - Phase 1 was approved a month ago (we should have been told a year ago). Plus 4 other Phase 1 write-ups...one is entirely my own, the others I am organizing but will have lots of input from the people who will do the research. Relaxed atmosphere, I know what to do and have no problems with asking questions, bouncing things off of others, etc. And I feel valued for my intellect, even if I have fewer letters after my name than everybody else (one or more PhDs for all involved, except myself, with a lowly Masters). I am contracted for June, and hopefully some funding will come in that will allow me to be put on full time (fingers crossed). Government money is funny that way - it can be "discovered" near the end of a fiscal period and need to be spent in a short amount of time (as happened to the company last year), which means money gets tossed around, computers and other hardware are purchased, etc.
Also this past Saturday I finished my GRE/GMAT sessions, which were sparsely attended but well received. Another time when I can let my nerd flag fly and not worry about sounding smart.
Hot as hell here lately. Air not moving, so ozone alerts all the time, which means the backyard is growing tall from not mowing. I am managing to water the garden plants daily, though, so things are looking good. Fig tree is waist high and thriving. New trees are doing OK now that I have prevented the dog from jumping on them. Wild pumpkin (we had one from last year dissolve, and I hosed it off the concrete, where it is now growing wildly), tomatoes, raspberry are all showing good growth. And the blueberry bush that usually gets picked over by birds has a bumper crop, with plenty of ripe fruit not claimed by avian scavengers.
Each day I relax a little bit more. It is a slow process, and I work at not stressing myself over things, and so far it is working. I am spending more time reading, and plan to get back to some sort of exercise program soon. Happy is in the forecast.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
First Day of New Job
Today was a doozy. Up early and had blood drawn for the pre-diabetes study. They didn't call me, so I guess my blood sugar was still below official diabetes level, although last time it was in the pre- stage. Then off to my new job!
Small company with basically four employees, including wife and myself. She will be full-time quickly, while I am on a one month contract, which will be upgraded to full-time if we land business. I am a right hand man. I do research to facilitate proposals to government agencies which result in grants. Sometimes, as have happened in the past, money is literally thrown at the company to spend before the end of a budget period. Other times money is up for grabs based on a brief proposal, or a series of longer proposals.
Meanwhile, I felt really lousy after leaving the office (good thing I wasn't driving). Nausea and lingering deja vu (which is never a good thing for me) - frequent feelings of having dreamed things the night before. Not meaningful things, either, just random images, or memories. Laid down before my therapist visit, and didn't feel much better. Came home and had some dinner and felt much better.
Then out of the blue, just mousing around the internet it all hit. One image triggered another in my mind, which cascaded into an avalanche of memory-dump. Thrashing and moaning, enough to startle the dogs from the other side of the house and bring my daughter in to see what was the matter, or if she could help. Even now, 30 minutes later I am shaky, and don't really remember much of the attack. Panic is not fun, and it is definitely draining. Time for bed, I think.
Small company with basically four employees, including wife and myself. She will be full-time quickly, while I am on a one month contract, which will be upgraded to full-time if we land business. I am a right hand man. I do research to facilitate proposals to government agencies which result in grants. Sometimes, as have happened in the past, money is literally thrown at the company to spend before the end of a budget period. Other times money is up for grabs based on a brief proposal, or a series of longer proposals.
Meanwhile, I felt really lousy after leaving the office (good thing I wasn't driving). Nausea and lingering deja vu (which is never a good thing for me) - frequent feelings of having dreamed things the night before. Not meaningful things, either, just random images, or memories. Laid down before my therapist visit, and didn't feel much better. Came home and had some dinner and felt much better.
Then out of the blue, just mousing around the internet it all hit. One image triggered another in my mind, which cascaded into an avalanche of memory-dump. Thrashing and moaning, enough to startle the dogs from the other side of the house and bring my daughter in to see what was the matter, or if she could help. Even now, 30 minutes later I am shaky, and don't really remember much of the attack. Panic is not fun, and it is definitely draining. Time for bed, I think.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The Chapter Ends
The week went quickly in hindsight, and was predictably uneventful. Fewer kids day by day, with Wednesday as the "end of school party day." Thursday I think each homeroom had about 8 or 9 kids, so the day was relaxing and I just showed movies.
Friday was dull. I had everything packed up, and my checklist all complete by Thursday, so I just sat and read while I waited for our grade's time to roll around. Then the only frustration of the day - I can't turn in my computer to the tech person, but have to wait on the principal. Confided in a few more people about my situation - it appears I was not the only late-hired, older white male math teacher in the middle school to not be renewed - the 7th grade teacher isn't going back, either.
Nice long weekend with younger daughter at a friend's grandparent's house on a lake. Doing some movie watching, just relaxing, getting my head around the idea that I am not teaching any more. Cleaned out some books that would have been useful to teach middle school math - keeping the high school (Advanced Algebra and Pre-Calculus) for the off-chance I return to teaching and go for the upper grades. I am nervous about Tuesday, staring in an office job that is for June, but may extend into a full-time spot. I am anxious because of my track record lately, but slowly coming to the realization that I was trying to be happy in a job that I wasn't happy doing. Now I can start with a clean slate, small office, learning the routine and being generally helpful and growing into a useful "right-hand-man"...whee.
Friday was dull. I had everything packed up, and my checklist all complete by Thursday, so I just sat and read while I waited for our grade's time to roll around. Then the only frustration of the day - I can't turn in my computer to the tech person, but have to wait on the principal. Confided in a few more people about my situation - it appears I was not the only late-hired, older white male math teacher in the middle school to not be renewed - the 7th grade teacher isn't going back, either.
Nice long weekend with younger daughter at a friend's grandparent's house on a lake. Doing some movie watching, just relaxing, getting my head around the idea that I am not teaching any more. Cleaned out some books that would have been useful to teach middle school math - keeping the high school (Advanced Algebra and Pre-Calculus) for the off-chance I return to teaching and go for the upper grades. I am nervous about Tuesday, staring in an office job that is for June, but may extend into a full-time spot. I am anxious because of my track record lately, but slowly coming to the realization that I was trying to be happy in a job that I wasn't happy doing. Now I can start with a clean slate, small office, learning the routine and being generally helpful and growing into a useful "right-hand-man"...whee.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The End is in Sight
Hard to do much when the day gets scrambled. Field day was actually a success, mainly because the kids who couldn't behave were not allowed to go. Sportsmanship, cheering but no booing, and fun. As a sort of reward I showed more movies in the afternoon and the kids did fine with that. Administration might frown, but who cares at this point. Friday should have been a "normal" day, but the homeroom (not mine) that won field day had to compete in the afternoon against the 7th and 8th grade winners, so we were back in homeroom again. I grabbed Akela and the Bee from the library, and again we had mostly well behaved little monsters.
At home we have a cardinal that has built a nest in the rose bush/tree next to the carport. The stem she built it on sags some, but is plenty high enough. I feel bad today, as it is raining, but I can see her tail feathers and bright orange beak in there. Of course, I am sure animals don't think of the rain like we do - they are adapted to shed water and maybe even welcome it for a drink while stuck in the nest. Rain is also good for the plants that have been put in the ground. The fig tree from last year is now about waist high and growing well. The two beautyberry trees are established and showing new growth (and no longer require daily or twice daily hosings), and the black raspberry went in yesterday morning and should do really well.
Yesterday was a nice change - teaching to a receptive audience. There were 25 people signed up but I only had 10 show up, and two were not on my original list, for the GRE GMAT prep. Naturally there was some sort of mixup and the classroom was double booked. Since I didn't book it, and it is the regular classroom for this session (AND because I had an email confirming it, that was also sent to the students) the other instructor moved to a different location.
Oh, and there was NO RAPTURE. Go figure.
There is part-time summer job in the offing, working with a cousin-in-law who is a lawyer, who has a company with a computer software techie. I will be writing a bunch of SBIR grant proposals and generally helping organize things. If things go well it could be the new job, but trying not to think about it too much at this early stage.
At home we have a cardinal that has built a nest in the rose bush/tree next to the carport. The stem she built it on sags some, but is plenty high enough. I feel bad today, as it is raining, but I can see her tail feathers and bright orange beak in there. Of course, I am sure animals don't think of the rain like we do - they are adapted to shed water and maybe even welcome it for a drink while stuck in the nest. Rain is also good for the plants that have been put in the ground. The fig tree from last year is now about waist high and growing well. The two beautyberry trees are established and showing new growth (and no longer require daily or twice daily hosings), and the black raspberry went in yesterday morning and should do really well.
Yesterday was a nice change - teaching to a receptive audience. There were 25 people signed up but I only had 10 show up, and two were not on my original list, for the GRE GMAT prep. Naturally there was some sort of mixup and the classroom was double booked. Since I didn't book it, and it is the regular classroom for this session (AND because I had an email confirming it, that was also sent to the students) the other instructor moved to a different location.
Oh, and there was NO RAPTURE. Go figure.
There is part-time summer job in the offing, working with a cousin-in-law who is a lawyer, who has a company with a computer software techie. I will be writing a bunch of SBIR grant proposals and generally helping organize things. If things go well it could be the new job, but trying not to think about it too much at this early stage.
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