More of the same

no shakes today, but started to get unreasonably frustrated with students today. Yes, the lesson is a challenge (subtracting negatives) and is something many (most) adults can't do as it goes against logic. Some got it, most talked or played. Is it a bad thing that I don't really care if they get it - just making sure I teach it, and those who want can absorb.

Also, since I wasn't in on Friday, I have quizzes to grade, which are mostly done. Again, though, the kids have no clue - many asked if they were graded, not realizing that I don't actually live at the school, so being out Friday kind of keeps me from seeing their work until Monday. Might not count this one - the kids that got it, really got it, but most hadn't the proverbial clue.

And to top off the day, at the end I had a talkative student who then decided to mess with the pencil sharpener instead of listen to me. Pencil shavings all over the place, an increase in attitude from this girl who has a habit of telling me she has to visit a teacher's room across the school, then wanders without supervision. She won't accept my "no" and creates trouble. Mother is not much help - daughter never informed her last week about her detention. Kind of a typical setup...daughter lies to mom, mom believes daughter, mom is forced to acknowledge a problem but is powerless in her mind to do anything. Eventually they move to another grade.

A big birthday

but not mine. Wife is 50 now. A milestone, but not a sudden one, a sort of transition into a different frame of thinking. Plus AARP.

Nature serenaded me during my morning routine. Walking Purl first and had a couple of woodpeckers telegraphing to each other, one right across the street. Still plenty of deadwood from Hurricane Elvis almost a decade ago. Then with Meredith, to accompany the woodpeckers I heard geese. Those Canadian Geese are a fixture year round, so I kind of looked for the normal 2 or 3 low flying ones. Nope...over 100 in several large chevrons, probably 1000 feet up. And still their honking was not just audible but loud.

I really like woodpeckers. Not sure if it is the amazingly round circles they make, or that they are so different from other birds. Or the bright red plumage on their heads. But they are cool.

Birthdays mean lots of people at the house, and hustle and bustle to get ready. This time I didn't cook - that duty fell to my nephew - since his wife's mother is my wife's older sister and they share a birthday. A couple of different crock-pot roasts which were really good.

Since this is not the first time I have forgotten to post before logging out for the night, wondering if I am going to change to a morning recap. Then again, some mornings I am rushed, and of course thoughts and ideas fade with sleep. Which reminds me that Friday night I got a chuckle from the news. Presented sensationally, as befits a "scandal" type of story - two administrators at a middle school were placed on leave pending an investigation into improper practices and procedures. Then flash the pictures of my former principal and assistant principal. No more details were available, and naturally the announcement and letter to students came on a Friday, so the school system can't/won't comment until Monday, when most people have forgotten. I know a few of the shady things they did, and most were geared toward over-working and under-appreciating teachers. But mainly they just did what they wanted to avoid the paperwork of doing it by the book. Of course, what they wanted was against policy - like demanding a Special Ed teacher take on a classroom and classes vacated by a teacher in the middle of the year, basically doubling her workload and minimizing her effectiveness to the students she was hired to help. Or deciding to remove a first-year teacher by giving bad evaluations and then fabricating observations. A story to watch for sure.

Saturday Session

This week, no problems. Remembered to pop a vitamin-X before class, so things were more relaxed, I was more prepared for the lesson, and as an added bonus, it was a sunny and warm day, so a lot of the attendees drifted away starting about 11. Didn't even feel bad - it is their money - I get paid whether they stay for the whole thing or not. Actually did the followup promptly, too. Emailed a few new students, sent off roster to the university.

The rest of the day was just plain lazy. I kind of deserve it. Had a Chinese buffet lunch (alone), came home and just lolled about. Tomorrow I'll do what little prep work there is for the week, kind of map out my February, since I have two after-school mandatory workshops, plus 2 consecutive days out of the classroom to attend a different workshop. Plus a private tutoring recap of this prep session for somebody whose business took them out of town for the week - so the short month will be full of activity.

February. Hard to believe. And here in Memphis, it kind of signals the beginning of spring. We will have flowers breaking free of the soil in the next couple of weeks, and actual blooms (daffodil, forsythia) by the end of the month. That doesn't mean we won't get any winter weather, though.

Meanwhile, my thoughts churn gently.

Friday off

Took a sick day, and surprisingly am not stressing about it. That part is getting a little easier. But a full sort of day, with a confirmation that my blood sugar is higher than it should be, but not into diabetes yet. Then a mis-fire as I remembered the next appointment to be at 11 - but it was at 1:15. Oh well. Then finally my regular doctor about my "migraines" so we are trying some preventative stuffs and hopefully getting a CAT scan (again).

Part of the accomplishment today was dragging along the practice sheets for tomorrow's class and working out all the problems in the waiting room. A couple I had to refresh my memory when I got home and check the answers. Only a couple wrong, and that was because I was careless, not because I didn't know how to do it. Yay me. I am still smart. This boosted my confidence about tomorrow, plus gave me a lift that, if I needed to, I could pass about any test (so possibly, someday, I might move up and teach high school).

Sometimes I don't like being so smart that I can't tell myself lies and believe them.

Smoother

I think the increased dosages are finally taking effect. Today nothing managed to freak me out. There was snow last night, but not enough for cancellation, so I had papers to grade, and grades to input. Classes were planned and most of them were easy concepts for the students to master (and feel good about mastering).

So, when a senior administrator just popped in unannounced with a clipboard and sat down and started taking notes, I just went on with what I was doing. I am the teacher, it is my room, I have a plan. Plus I pee in each corner weekly to stake my claim. Later the assistant principal came by and I mentioned that visit, then he reminded me that today was the day I specified for my official observation evaluation, which he did. Again, I didn't feel a whole lot of pressure. Becoming more numb to it all - my job will eventually be secure, I just have to stay relatively sane and not stress. Easy to say, not so much in the action.

Tomorrow is a few more easy concepts, prepping kids for a quiz on Friday when I am out. Got to put together a folder for the sub. No pressure. Saturday is ready - got all my copies made, presentations are ready. No pressure.

Trivia was small tonight - just me and two others and we did respectably. I like trivia night - I can be myself, as smart as I want to be and it is not judged or held against me. People understand me, and we all have a good time.

Reflections

Today I gave a test to most of my students. It was on fractions, a subject that seems to take up an inordinate amount of time. Even though we prepared on Monday, taking notes (which more than half the students neglected to bring, even though I alerted them they could use them on the test) and going over problems EXACTLY like the ones I would be offering, scores were dismal. Some kids obviously got it, studied, used their notes, but others made the kind of mistakes we pointed out during the review. Some kids, with their notes in front of them, asked me questions that were answered in the notes.

Are these scores a reflection of my teaching? I get depressed because I think "yes." There MUST be something more I can do. Lately I am trying to change that mindset. I am doing what I can. I am providing the kids with the tools they need, the instruction, the examples. It is up to them to make use of them.

And when all else fails, they get to use a calculator on the TCAP, which negates all this time I put in to teaching.

Down and Downer

The day started emotionally crippling and just went downhill from there. I can't tell if Mondays are bad because I don't usually pop any Xanax over the weekends, so I am very anxious for little reason, or if it is just that hard to go back. The kids were the same, typical kids, but their disrespect, which most of them don't even recognize as such - it is just their way of doing things, and the way they have seen their friends, relatives and idols act - really bothers me. More so since I am bending backwards to be polite, respectful (reminding them with a "please", not yelling - all of which makes no difference to them, but a huge difference to the people who watch over me). Slowly I am giving up, but it is killing me inside to do it.

More and more I am wondering if I really am cut out for teaching. And sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for anything.

Productive, despite

These headaches are getting tiresome. And the nausea they bring is keeping me from having much of an appetite, which may also be related to the flu-like bug I got yesterday. Once I get approval from the principal for Friday off, I will get an appointment with my regular doctor and get the wheels in motion, for whatever it is worth.

Set up the email list for my prep students and emailed out the two presentations from Saturday (wow, was it only yesterday?), and put together the (much shorter) presentations for this week. I am sure, or I am hoping at least, they come back with bunches of questions so we do a bit of "how do I do this" stuff, since geometry and data analysis aren't too deep. I also gave them links to other practice tests, which are much shorter than we have been doing in class, and also are multiple choice, unlike the practice tests I am using. Mine are harder. Better to be prepared, and all that.

Not looking forward to this week at all. I feel like I am way behind and can never catch up.

Tutoring and not much more

Up early, finishing touches on the tutoring session. Had 19 attendees out of 24 signed up, although 3 were not on the list. 8 to 1230, and similar to last time in Tupelo, about 11 I started to feel warm (feverish) and had to excuse myself to be sick. Not anxiety, just nausea.

Came home and had a couple crackers and fell into bed to lie there. Lay there for the next 4 hours or so, ate a little dinner and am feeling slightly better. Main complaint is the usual: neck, shoulders, back of head with pain radiating over the top and around the sides of my head. Classic migraine, but I haven't been having them for more than a few months. Looks like I might be making another appointment on Friday - the day of the doctors.

Can't decide if the migraines are associated with my pinched nerve. I know when I am tense, those muscles are affected, and that could cause my neck to shift the disk, putting pressure on the nerves. Or it could just be muscle tension driving up into my head. Or it could be unrelated migraines. Cue the Schwarzenegger voice from "Kindergarden Cop" it's not a toomah.

Free Friday

I had to check that I didn't miss a day, since it didn't seem like a Friday, with no school and all. Still, motivation was rather high, and I am slightly proud of myself. Produced 3 basic PowerPoint presentations - by basic I mean words, backgrounds, bulletpoints. No fancy animations, no pictures, no music. Just outlines of the points I need to make to the students. Naturally I don't feel like I have done enough, so I will probably outline a few sample questions for the dry erase board for each slide. And I can email the docs to each student if they want them.

Then this evening was a different sort of trivia. There is a religious brother named Ignatious who runs trivia evenings at various churches and schools as fundraisers. We have gone to the quarterly ones at our elder daughter's high school and have a good time. Tonight we went to a church sponsored one. Again, slightly proud of myself (right now, though, concerned that I am having more and more difficulty with transposed letters - it has even been happening in my handwriting) for 3 answers I pulled from somewhere in my nether regions:

Category: Begins with "R" - A drink made with cola and grenadine

Category: Black and White - The number of squares in a side of the New York Times daily crossword puzzle.

Category: Disney (ladies) - We were given a picture sheet, so first I had to know the mouse with the fur hat was from The Rescuers (and Rescuers Down Under) - name her.

And I won a door prize bottle of wine.

Tomorrow is an early day, got to be gone by 7am. I have my dry erase markers, 25 copies of two sections of questions (and answers), my flash drive with the PowerPoint presentations, a printed copy of the class roster. In the morning I will work up those sample questions, or maybe just do it on the fly. I seem to enjoy the pressure, although the last time I did this I was given half the time, and I plan on allowing 30 minutes for each practice test, then time to review questions and solutions. Should be a plan.

Weather, and then some

By "yankee" standards, today was not terrible. Misty rain in the morning, no clue when snow began, but we were told to take our students to lunch 30 minutes early. This gave us hope we would be dismissed early, since it is required that students be fed. Then we got the announcement that it was a 2:30 dismissal (90 minutes early). Which really meant parents started showing up by 1:30 to get kids, but teachers wound up being around until 3, when things were starting to get worse. Snow starting to accumulate, and the road I take is elevated most places.

Driving wasn't bad, although the car, for some reason (well, the reason is, it is broken) the defogger doesn't work on the windshield. When it is cold and rainy outside, or snow melty, it fogs up pretty bad and makes it tough to see to drive. That was the issue today.

I planned ahead though and have 25 sets of materials for my Saturday class. Got an email today there are 25 students registered, and I got a roster plus a copy of a W-4 to complete and send back. And, strangely enough, an email from a student who couldn't make the session, but wants to hire me for one-on-one training.

And the phone just rang with the automatic system from Shelby County, telling us that school is canceled for tomorrow, so I get a day to get my Saturday in order, and to try to iron out next week. I like the phone system, and it is something I don't recall Memphis City Schools doing, although I could be wrong. Just took dogs out and it is VERY icy on the streets, which didn't accumulate snow, but the meltwater from passing cars. And since it won't get above freezing tomorrow, that ice will stay and be a hazard.

Distractions

Actually, a good thing, this time. Forgot to write last night after Trivia. Some annoying crowds, bad guesses on some questions, and no money for the second week in a row. Venting, frustrations, all the usual stuff. When I got home I goofed a little here and there, but forgot about writing. This morning, instead of writing, I actually pulled together my two lessons for today - so now I am doing this at school, where I usually compose my daily lessons. In a way I am ahead of the game, but it is a minor plus that I was motivated enough to work.

Weather-wise today could be a nightmare. Nobody EVERY knows what will actually happen, but we are under a winter weather advisory. Right now it is misting/drizzling, with more precipitation coming, and temperatures dropping. Four degrees above freezing now, and this area is quite prone to freezing rain. Predictions are that by noon this will have turned into a winter mix (which is weather-speak for rain, sleet, freezing rain, snow, and anything else that could happen since they really don't know what will happen where. For all they know we could get puppies falling from the sky). Temps will drop from there with more precipitation, and stay below 20 through tomorrow morning.

Work possibilities include sending students home early (have to feed them lunch first to qualify the day as a "full day" and not be required to make it up later) or just holding them. Most kids, though, will get checked out due to over-panicked parents, if we hold them. The bottom line is that teachers get to stay in school until all students under their care have left. And since we usually have the farthest to travel, and weather will get worse as the day goes on, we get put in the most danger.

Speaking of which, it was fun to be greeted in the teacher's lot today by a 200 pound rottweiler just strolling around the cars. Yes, I have a death wish, so I ignored him, and had about a dozen kids in the gym peeking out of doors yelling at me there was a dog. Worst case scenario is he would have attacked me and I probably would have had to kill him, but the dog seemed rather friendly, though I didn't confirm this by offering a hand to sniff or trying to pet him.

And it gets worse

Very anxiety ridden sleep, including uncontrollable shaking, general panic, etc. Not the most fun, but I knew if I didn't go in to school, I might never. Knocked out a few things that got me somewhat on track, then a curveball. Administration has observed me and feels my classroom management is sub-par, so I will be videotaped and critiqued. The glass half empty side says this is a vote of not much confidence, although the spin was that too many teachers are quitting, and they want to strengthen the ones they have. Everything else is good. Then I got an email saying I was going to be attending a two day seminar on classroom management and motivating students. Strike 2. Again, positive spin - it is a vote of confidence in me that I am one of 10 teachers being sent to bring back the message for others.

Altogether down day. I felt jumpy inside and terribly anxious. I had trouble being upbeat and positive...seems the mid-winter depression has arrived.

You Might Be Crazy If...

you are me. Just saying. Because I got my meds doubled today - the NP noted I am still depressed, low motivation, all that junk. Agreed. Migraines may be unrelated to the Prozac, since those side effects usually crop up during the initial build-up phase. Suggested I go see my regular doctor. Yay. I will have to take a day off next Friday for my follow-up, which is OK since I can also schedule my pre-diabetes thing that day, too. Got to use up personal days since they don't roll over or anything, and no sense working myself into the ground any more than I am already doing.

Plenty of free floating anxiety, and most of it I am creating myself and magnifying for no good reason. I will do fine teaching, and once I am in the classroom it always (ok, usually) goes well. Yes, I haven't blocked out the five hours for the first session of my grad school prep class - that should take at most one evening, but I am still stressing. I am jumpy, nervous, twitchy inside where it doesn't show to the world, but I can feel it and I can't stop it. Why now? The NP asked this, too, and I couldn't answer it. By all measures I should be fine - I have a stable job that I am good at, financially we are doing OK on my salary plus the extras like selling blood, teaching a class here and there, plus wife's hours at the yarn store, teaching knitting, and working on a couple of publishing projects. So why the hell am I constantly freaked out?

And as a bonus, last night we got prank calls every 30 minutes or so starting at 10:30 from some former students (catholic school) who are now in 9th grade. Sounded like a sleepover and prank call dare, but it opened old wounds because of the accusations these children made at the time that resulted in my not returning. Yes, probably all for the best - I just wish I could rub their actions in the face of the decision maker at the time and show him that these kids saw what they fabricated as a prank, and the adults in the situation didn't bother to address it, but swept me away.

I keep thinking that what I really want is to be able to live by working at a job that I don't take home with me, so when I am away, I am away and I don't think about it, don't work on it. I will still be a responsible, yankee-minded employee, and do my best all the time, but I don't want the specter of responsibility for the bigger picture looming over me. I like teaching, but the burden of forcing learning on an unwilling and unprepared audience so they can be measured by a single test is crushing me. Just let me do what I know, in my own way, at my own pace and I will deliver the kids ready when you want them. But instead there are pacing charts, performance indicators, evaluations to show that we are crossing every "t" and dotting every "i" - and then, even when it fails despite doing everything possible, it is STILL the teacher's fault. Let me out - I think I am done.

Mainly Downs

My weekends have lots of routines. Saturday is the day I smooth my head - I run the clippers over it and I can tell by feel when I have shaved it all down. Since it is only a week's worth of growth, it goes down the drain when I shower, and I maintain a constant, unchanging - well, it would be too much to call it a hairstyle. It would be lots more convenient if my hair just never grew, nor my nails.

Sunday is always grocery shopping. I like to get it done early, and there are few people in the store. Fulfilling, mainly due to the thrill (small as it may be) of finding bargains and thinking of ways to use sale items for meals. Sort of relaxing, not in a rush or anything - and I am good at it (yeah, small pride there, as if it is an accomplishment).

Had another, different, circuit breaker trip this afternoon. Wife decided to do ironing in the dining room instead of the bathroom as she used to. That plug is on the same circuit as the living room (TV, two computers, electric fireplace) and so the draw from the iron put it over the top. Normally no big deal. But our breaker box has been acting up. The last time one tripped, it wouldn't re-set, and the electrician made a house call. This was a different breaker, but same problem. And even though I KNOW it is a different circuit, somebody kept insisting that some of the lights were the same as went out last time. Even though I repeated myself, she just wouldn't stop to think about what I was saying, and incorporate that into her worldview. The frustration of this breaker box, the prospect of shelling out a few hundred dollars to have a new one installed, and her having to tell me I was wrong put me over the edge, and I had a bit of a blowup. I am so tired of not being listened to, then to be told that I was using a wrong word to describe what I was telling her.

Half hour later I tried the breaker again and it re-set. Yay, sort of. I think as part of my new drive for change I might push this communication issue a bit. I sat at the table while she ate, and she didn't talk about what happened - I think it will be another "if we pretend it never happened it will go away" thing, but the storage capacity of that little fantasy world is just about used up.

Fun and Games

Playing the new DC Universe Online. Fun for comic geeks - not sure about other people, though. The cityscapes of both Gotham and Metropolis are very detailed, and HUGE. Lots to explore, lots of hidden references to comic characters, writers, artists and actors. And it is easy to play in small doses - unlike other games that I felt that I was getting behind if I didn't play nonstop.

As a result, I graded the rest of the papers today - usually I don't do this until Sunday and it kind of looms over me. So a minor success. Read some more of my book, which is so far kind of like Heinlein's "Citizen of the Galaxy" in that the main character is from deep in the woods, but is holding his own in a trip to "civilization." But he has a special, secret talent, his father is more than he seems, and there is a sub/side-plot about a spaceship...

Beyond that, a pretty lazy day. Put the Christmas tree back in the storage room, now the living room looks much bigger - big wide open space along the right side makes the room look even bigger, but also frames the "living" area between the couch and the TV/fireplace. Snow has just about melted here. Now off to take a couple of migraine pills - back of neck/head are bad and have that pain induced nausea again.

Yay for Friday

Fridays tend to be decent days. Not just because I just have to make it to the end for a break, but also because I tend to give tests or quizzes, which makes class time go quicker. With a short week, though, it is harder to quiz on just two lessons, but for the most part it looked like it worked. I might start giving a quiz every two lessons or so, while things are fresh in the minds.

Then, not sure what got into me, but when I got home I started grading papers, and am more than halfway through things before the weekend "officially" starts. It takes a load off my mind and I am sure I will work easier and more relaxed to prepare for the coming week.

Setting small goals should help a bit to keep me sane. Improve this one area, get this small thing done quicker, change the way I do something. If it doesn't work out, I can change back, but I will have the experience of knowing that a minor failure is not the end of the world, or a reflection of me as a failure - and that small improvements can add up. Just need that motivation.

Chemicals

Seems as though I can't manage without them. Anti-depressants, daily, even though the current one balances my energy (the old one made me logy) with the side effects of nausea and headaches. Real migraine type headaches, where, if I am lucky enough to be at home, I can lie down and keep my eyes closed for a while. So I balance those headaches with daily doses of migraine relief (aspirin, caffeine, and some other pain reliever), but it still sucks to have a raging headache upon waking. Then there are the acid inhibitors (Prilosec) to keep my reflux at bay. And lately I have had to take an anti-anxiety pill (though not a big one) daily to just get to school. Why is this top of mind? Well, today for the first time I had to take a half pill at lunchtime, and still didn't think I was going to make it through the day.

I am like a stress magnet (brace yourself for lots of mixed metaphors) - I grab stress even in situations where I shouldn't be stressed. I am a good teacher - probably even better than good - but I still stress over it. My lessons are easy to understand, reach all different levels, use technology, relate to the students' life experiences and follow the curriculum. There is always more than enough to fill a class period, so sometimes I have to edit on the fly. But still I get the shakes and crises of confidence. During the snow days I was so on edge it was difficult to even concentrate. And I have no outlets for the stress. Relaxation is doing something mindless, usually repetitive (like online games), or reading. Too often, though, I play or read to the exclusion of other things, and then I stress over not doing lesson plans, or grades, or putting more work or effort into my teaching.

As the stress increases, I feel myself slipping into old, self-destructive patterns. And I can feel it building up, like a sneeze. Eventually it is going to break through, and I am going to have some sort of breakdown/meltdown, unless I can figure out how to relax more, how to channel frustration so I don't wind up smashing my head into a wall, literally.

Back to Class

It was pretty hard getting up and getting motivated to go in today. All sorts of free-floating anxiety, borderline panic mode. Even asking myself "what is the worst that could happen" didn't help much. But, once I was there, back into the routine, things smoothed out. Lessons went fine, kids behaved acceptably, and by the end of the day I was OK and even halfway settled for the rest of the week.

The only sour note is the fallout from the missed mandatory new teacher sessions. Turns out, I did make it to one (the one I was informed of the day before, verbally), but the other, I never seem to have made it onto the right email list. Which would normally be OK to me, except the person in charge then drops the bomb on me - for missing a mandatory session, I get docked a day's pay. Nice. She is working on getting me into another session so I am not penalized, but I am not real pleased with this turn of events. Then again, it doesn't make a lot of sense to have a veteran teacher new to the district taking what are essentially remedial classes on teaching, designed for brand-new teachers. On the other hand, knowing the potential quality of some Memphis City School teachers, I can't really blame them.

Trivia was horrendous. Multiple rounds of terrible questions with no clues of answers - even so we were in 3rd place before the final question. We wagered no points, though, and nobody stayed to even hear the results.

No Snow Day

Well, no school again today, although the roads are rather clear - the major parkway to where I work had icing on the overpasses (every mile or two) with a couple of ramps closed down - but out west in the county it was probably worse. So a "fun" day. Did I waste it?

Started the download of the online game I had been beta-testing - DC Universe Online. Superheroes. Yeah, well, guilty pleasure. The download is 12.1 GB, and 11 hours later I am about halfway done, so needless to say, not playing on my day off.

Hit the library and returned the Warren Zevon bio. I have a lot more understanding of some of his songs now, and the man was a pure tormented genius. One quote in there from Carl Hiassen (sp) was about how tough it would be to be a genius - you can't be happy because you know too much.

Grabbed a one-week book, new one from Orson Scott Card. I like his stuff, although he is prone to turning single novels into series with very little provocation. Started reading it during lunch, then when done eating had a long chat with a dear friend who I never call but should. That communication resolution might actually work out now that I am realizing that there are people out there who care enough to listen, unlike some people much closer to me geographically, and offer opinions.

Meeting with the nice lady from Christian Brothers University - I will be teaching two Saturday sessions of GRE/GMAT prep (math) and making a decent sum...works out to something like $60/hour. And they are considering, based on the interest in this one, doing at least one like this during the summer, and possibly branching out to do prep for SAT/ACT for the high schoolers (as CBU is a Catholic university, it draws more from the diocesan high schools, which gives them a sort of captive pool).

More venting phone chat this evening. It helps to write, it helps to talk, even if nobody has answers (flash to an excellent book by John Brunner "The Shockwave Rider" in which there is a non-profit organization called Hearing Aid. You dial ten nines on any phone, connect to a live person, and they listen. At the end they say tell you they hoped it helped. There is WAY more to it than that, and the book is incredibly prescient as far as technological developments. Similar to his more famous and amazingly more prescient book "Stand on Zanzibar." Seriously, check these two out if you don't have them). Eventually something(s) will change, but in the meantime I need to stay sane, and I have found I can't do that entirely on my own.

School tomorrow. I think my mantra will be "only 3 days." Then Monday is a holiday.

Snow Day

School was canceled pretty early the night before, which meant lots of extra sleeping, sort of. Dogs still wanted to go out at "normal" time, which meant walking them instead of turning them loose in the backyard, since I wanted to keep it pristine for daughter and niece and nephew, for playing. About 4 inches of snow, still cloudy, with that ethereal light that seems to come from all directions when it is snowing. Even as a child I was mystified to why it seemed lighter outside during a snowstorm than when it was clear. Plus, I could stand under a streetlight for what seemed like hours, just marveling at the flakes drifting through the beam of light.

I wish I could say I did great wonderful relaxing things, but I really didn't. Worked on learning my new smartboard software - learned how to do at least one thing I wanted. Discovered that NetFlix has Season 4 of "The IT Crowd" (seriously, you need to watch this show, 6 episodes to a season, about a small computer support team in a large corporate company), played some Kirby's Epic Yarn on the Wii to entertain the aforementioned children.

Didn't go outside at all apart from walking the dogs. When I was young (and lived north, so when school was canceled the snow was SERIOUS - plus we had friends and hills within walking distance) it seemed all the neighborhood kids would bundle up (plastic bread bags on feet over heavy socks for waterproofing - gloves under mittens, or double mittens) and forge a trail through the at-least knee-deep snow, either for the hills behind the house (Big and Little Pigeon Hills, respectively), or really venture out to Great Hill. Little Pigeon Hill was a bump with some clear spots on a couple of faces, rocky at the top. Closer by a few hundred yards than Big Pigeon Hill, which was a broad, treeless expanse with a field at the bottom. Excellent sledding, usually. And for the thrill seekers, the back side of the hill was a sand/gravel pit. Yes, we were forbidden from going there, but usually some idiot with a snowmobile would pack down a trail and we would consider that "safe" - although the denser snow made for a hellishly fast ride, and climbing back up was always problematical. Great Hill was a good distance away, behind the school, through wooded trails, and up a large tree-lined path. The only way to sled there was after the snowmobiles had come through and created a sort of luge track - otherwise the twists and turns would be impossible to navigate. In later years, development of low-income housing made the trip there less adventuresome with the advent of paved paths and such. Pigeon Hill is no more - the sand and gravel excavation finally consumed it, and it is a subdivision.

After all the sledding we could take, weighted down with pounds of caked and frozen snow all over our half-frozen bodies, we would trek back to one house or another to huddle under blankets, drink hot chocolate and play board games. I lived in the center of about six houses on the street with kids in my grade so there were plenty of options. I don't ever recall, though, having kids to my house. It was smaller by far than the old farmhouses on each side and across the street, and had no large rooms to gather a bunch of kids.

Now it is the day after, but still my school system is closed. Daughter's school has delayed opening until 10am (but she insists she isn't going). I have phoned the pre-diabetes study to see if they can accommodate me sometime today for testing my blood sugar (so I won't have to take a day off) but have heard nothing - which kind of sucks since I have a splitting headache, but in case I have the test I have to have fasted and refrained from medications (like headache remedies). Grr.

Winter is Coming

Double meaning there. First, snow started falling about 6pm, and by 8pm the announcement came that county schools are closed. So I can rest comfortably, take a lazy day tomorrow to smooth out the week's lessons. Second meaning has to do with the HBO series, A Game of Thrones, set to debut on April 17. Tough choice there - subscribe to HBO, or wait for the DVD.

A very unsettling day. Immense headache before noon - the kind where it hurt from my neck up the back of my head and I felt nauseated. Took pain medicine and lay down - couldn't even watch TV but had to close my eyes and just listen. Finally went away, but they are more common lately, either due to stress, side effects from the Prozac or increasing pressure on my pinched nerve in my neck. I don't want to think about the necessity of surgery on that disk in my neck - I hate surgery, well, actually I hate the anesthesia - I get sick coming out of it. Last year the doctor told me it was inevitable, and I should come back when it affected my quality of life. Hmmmm. Then in 2010 I had insurance with one carrier, CIGNA, but with three different school systems. Which means they did a lot of passing the buck and refusing to pay for covered items, and we get calls from collection agencies. The doctors know the game CIGNA is running, too, but the schools pay the least for it, and therefore don't give employees a choice. I almost want to call them, connect with a dedicated supervisor and request a summary of all claims under my account, their status and CIGNA's reason for refusal to pay - in one case they keep saying they need something from the doctor's office, but they have sent it three times already (both the doctor and we keep records, something the insurance company seems not to do). As if they would agree, or even help.

Walking the fine line between thinking and being. I need to let things go more, and just enjoy time away from work. But at the same time, I can't just let it all slide. I haven't quite found the happy middle ground where I can get the work done (all that "extra" invisible work that teachers do during weekends and nights that people conveniently forget about when they marginalize the profession) then relax. I am driven by the foolish idea that if I could put enough effort into it, the kids would just fall into the plan. I had some great papers today - several of my students paid attention and did the quiz problems just the way we practiced, which was more than I could have hoped for. But they are the exceptions. And I drive myself too hard, trying to be the best, to satisfy an insatiable ideal...which naturally goes back to indifferent parents and a boy trying to be better than his best to get their attention and approval, which never happened. But still I shove against that ideal thinking (incorrectly) that my present efforts can somehow change the past instead of just re-playing it.

And the inevitable buzzkill

No big plans for a lazy Saturday. I like to lay in bed and sleep longer, or just drowse, when it is colder, but today I was up earlier. Free spicy chicken biscuit at Chick-Fil-A, so had to get dressed and go out during my appointment time, which was OK, since then I got on the laptop and started the weekend chores - inputting assignments, grading papers, inputting grades, etc.

Well, right away I see a new email from the district informing me I have missed two mandatory professional development sessions for new teachers. Sessions I knew nothing about - the only session about which I was informed was early during my first or second week, and I only found out from a "by the way" conversation, giving me less than a day's notice. It kind of freaked me out a little (by which I mean a lot) since I hate missing obligations, and because I am always blaming myself for everything I assume everybody else does too. Shot off an email to let my two superiors know this was not intentional, and asking for advice (which was answered today by one, which is good - I think I am not on her email list for notification of this stuff - it took the front office at the school a hella long time to get my email on their routing list). Still, it knocked me off my schedule, and I only did about 2 of the 4 hours of school related work I had hoped to accomplish. Which reinforces the self-blame game.

Not that I will run out of time. I have all day tomorrow, and the weather doom-criers are talking about snow Sunday night and Monday morning. Now that I work for the county school system, it is likely school will be canceled even for the threat of weather, since the county is geographically more wide reaching - although the heavier snow is predicted for south of the state border. But I can't count on that. So, a couple of hours grading papers, which always brings me down, then lesson planning, and playing with the new smartboard app.

Meanwhile, the drama continues over the two school systems and the largely incomprehensible game of political chicken/hot potato/pick your own metaphor. If you aren't here in Memphis (and really, even if you are) it is nearly impossible to give enough background detail. The city is fully within the county (Shelby), but has a completely separate government, public services (police, fire, etc.), emergency response (911), schools, and taxation. So, while we own a house in Memphis, we pay both Memphis and Shelby County property taxes, but only receive services from Memphis entities. Some of our county taxes come back to the city schools, since the county is required to pay a portion of that budget.

*interlude* The mindset is that the city is urban, the county is suburban. The city is black, the county is white. The city is poor, the county is affluent. The city is crime ridden, the county is safer. The city schools are terrible, and the county schools are above average. Therefore there has been a steady migration of people westward, out of the city limits, which further divides the haves and have-nots, since if you can't afford to move, well, it brings down the median income. Our former mayor further fueled this divisiveness by telling people if they should get out if they didn't like the city or its government. The situation is not as black and white (pun intended) as public opinion indicates. */end interlude*

A couple years ago, some bright (meaning stupid) politician "interpreted" a clause in the city charter to mean that the county was entirely responsible for funding the city schools, and as a result got the city council to remove $57million that was budgeted by the city for schools. The city lawyers, paid by the city, obviously sided with the people who cut their checks. Every other legal mind knew it would not stand, as state law says a city cannot reduce funding to schools, even if it is not mandated by city law. In other words, you have been funding the schools for many decades, you better keep doing it. Then the geniuses (again, opposite of) kept appealing the rulings against them, and not setting money aside to cover the $57million "just in case" they didn't win on appeal. Long story short - higher city taxes. Meanwhile, every politician is for education.

Periodically Memphis stretches itself and annexes areas of the county near the city limits, based on some formula I have not been able to fathom. This means some schools (and their valuable infrastructure) become part of the Memphis City Schools, to the ire of residents and students in those areas. My school is right on the border and could be annexed in a future grab. Anyhow, the County schools floated the idea of appealing to the state legislature for Special School District status (which Memphis City Schools already has, which is how they exist separately, but within), something that is rarely granted. But IF it were to be granted, it would prevent future annexation by Memphis City Schools, would allow the County Schools to have a bigger say in tax rates to fund schools. Important word there: IF.

This possibility scared the hell out of the Memphis School Board, and as a threat to the County Schools, floated the possibility of surrendering the school charter (written and never changed since 1869), which would have the effect of forcing the County Schools to then absorb the Memphis City Schools. By the numbers, a system currently serving 47,000 students would suddenly have an influx of about 100,000 students. This was supposed to scare the County into not considering Special Status, but nobody in power came out and said anything, so the Memphis School Board voted to surrender the charter.

Now the dominoes start falling. The law says that the public must vote on surrendering the charter within 60 days. But the Election Commission will not schedule the vote until their lawyers have a say (plus, the vote will cost about $1million). County legislators start a push to force the state, not the county, to take over the city schools. The state informs the Election Commission that they cannot schedule the vote until the City Council ratifies the surrender. The School Board, having left themselves a loophole, notices that they didn't ratify the minutes of the meeting at which they voted to surrender the charter (a common practice, so they can judge public opinion and backpedal if their re-election is in jeopardy), but can't actually find the minutes, and a 15 minute emergency meeting lasts 4 hours. NOBODY has a plan in place for any contingency - the county doesn't want to be responsible for this, and hasn't put together any kind of plan should they be forced to take over. The city schools haven't made any plans on how things would be handed over - in short everybody wants the issue to go away, because it is WAY too much work to actually try to fix the troubled and failing Memphis City Schools.

So, nobody in education here knows what their future holds. But it isn't going to be pretty, and it sure as hell isn't going to make education any better for anyone, and it is certainly going to make it chaotic.

Strange Turnaround

Fridays are always nice, but usually in a mixed way. I schedule assessments - quizzes or tests - so most of my classes are pretty low maintenance. On the other hand, I seem to be more concerned with my students' performance than they are. They have never learned to be careful and double check things in a world of endless do-overs in video games, spellcheck, autofill, and general apathy to doing their best. So I spend tons of time going from desk to desk, basically re-teaching lessons during exams. And while I am with one students, several others will be taking advantage of my distraction and cheat, talk, or goof around.

Then the weekend comes, and the grading of the aforementioned papers reinforces this despair.

Today, though, had some nice changes to it. Not the test/quiz part. That is pretty much the same. But I returned an "out of the blue" call from a national career college that has a small campus here in Memphis - the message said he had found my resume online, which means it has been floating for months. I didn't know if this was another potential scam (hey, job opportunity - come to our "interview" then pay a bunch of fees and nothing will happen) but it turned out they were looking for an adjunct professor to teach algebra. Too bad the class was on Tues/Thurs from 8-10:30am. He is holding on to my resume, though, in case they expand to a night or weekend session.

Part two of being wanted for my brain was exchanging emails with a contact at Christian Brothers University here in Memphis, to firm up a meeting prior to my conducting the two graduate school entrance exam refreshers. Money is good, and the meeting is a formality, since I come with the guy who has been doing this for a while with them, plus it is only in two weeks. When I mentioned this to my wife, it appears the money has already been spent - she said we would apply it to the Amex bill, which is kind of sucky, since most of that went to replacing her outdated computer. Money I make on the side, in my opinion, should be like "found money" - at my discretion, but I seem to be the only one with that opinion. Back in the glory days, I used to squirrel away leftover lunch money each week, so as to purchase an extremely expensive 10th anniversary ring (and matching earrings) without setting off alarms on the bank account or credit card bills. Now days, I get handed $20 a week if she remembers, to be used for paying for my trivia night tab (which amounts to all of maybe $6 including tip - Diet Coke and onion rings) or comic books, or fast food for me and the daughter. Maybe I should start stashing away some of this money for a good lawyer.

Enough sidetrack ranting - the diabetes study people called me back and want me back in, soonest. I signed up a couple years ago - they were looking for people who had a parent with diabetes (dad has developed Type 2) for a bi-racial cohort. I go in every 3 months or so for various tests. Sometimes it is just a weighing, measuring my waist and stomach at the ribs and a blood draw. Other times it is a glucose tolerance test, a couple of times I have been given IV glucose which is not bad, but you get REALLY hot fast. Least favorite is the insulin tolerance test where they give you insulin to burn out your blood sugar - drawing blood from an IV every 5 minutes. Once 2 hours have elapsed, then you have to gorge to get your blood sugar back up before you can leave. Anyhow, this past visit my blood sugar was high for having been on an overnight fast - too high to account for my recent change in antidepressants (Prozac can mess with blood sugar - rest assured I will go into all sorts of side-effect ranting about that drug soon enough), so they want me in for another test, to make sure I am not developing diabetes, which would suck. In the meantime I am trying to exercise and eating more sensibly. I get a little money from the study when I make it through to the end, plus a little less than $20 each visit for "parking fees," even though the hospital lot is free.

Finally, going to sell a pint of blood to the researchers for $50 - only possible every 8 weeks, though. Personal sacrifice = spending money. Then again, as this Christmas has shown, there isn't much out there I am interested in enough to register to anybody else, let alone spend my own money to obtain.

Excited

Yes, that smartboard made me excited about teaching - which is a first for a long time. Granted, yesterday and today have been semi-hellacious, with homecoming activities which pre-empt my last class of the day, and kids leaving class because they are on this team, or that, or part of the homecoming court, or in the band, cheer squad, etc.

But took my planning time and created two flipcharts (think of a powerpoint presentation) with warmup questions, homework review, new concept presentations, checks for understanding and finally homework. Very smooth for a first try, spending less than an hour creating. Our IT lady was pretty impressed, and I know things will get easier as I learn to imbed videos, include animation of various things. Best part is, I can do all the pre-class work on the laptop and try it all out.

Meanwhile, got an email about an upcoming (Jan 22 and 29) session at a local university where I will be teaching refresher math for students about to take the GRE/GMAT. Money is pretty good, 4.5 hours each Saturday morning. And in related news, got a call that I am eligible to sell more blood for research purposes (at $50 a pint), and a strange call from maybe a recruiter who saw my resume. Back during the job search I had it posted on Monster.com and other places, which usually resulted in calls that were scams. "Hey, come in for an interview which is really a sort of group presentation and if you fall for our pitch we will charge you money to get the training to go to the next level." This one kind of checks out - they are a career college that prepares medical technicians. Either they want me to teach, or they want me to enroll. Worth a call, I suppose.

Quite tired tonight - walked to library to return books, then past the grocery for dinner pizza. Not exactly shin splints, but my lower shins and ankles feel a bit put-upon. Worth crawling into bed early, doing some reading and hoping that my vivid dreams give me a break. Dreams lately have had to do with New York (haven't been back there since we relocated, no real desire - I think the dreams have to do with job related stress), and last night it was Australia crossed with Jurassic Park except the fauna was from the Pliocene. Bizarre stuff.

Mid-Week Elation

Wednesday is one of my favorite days, mainly because of my trivia night team. I sort of invited myself along to a friend's team after coming back from Australia, and I don't think I have missed a week since. Not only are the people great, but our core team is so balanced that we cover all the categories. Plus, I needed some sort of social outlet, since up to that point I had no social life outside my family. Bonus that we are all teachers, so we gripe about students and reinforce each other.

Last week the turnout was too large, this week so small they only offered two prizes. It is a rare week when we don't come in first or second.

At school things are halfway looking up. The IT lady came by and got my laptop installed with the software for the smartboard. Really can't wait to work that into my daily routine. In fact, I envision my laptop being semi-permanently attached to it, with lesson components already created on flipcharts, relevant videos, practice questions culled from standardized tests, etc. No regrets at not having it for the past 9 weeks, it is all good now.

Got an email from my "partner" in GRE/GMAT reinforcement, and it looks like I have an upcoming gig refreshing the memories of college students regarding the intricacies of math so they don't embarrass themselves on their graduate school entrance exams. I did this once in October down in Tupelo one Saturday morning - this one will be over two Saturday mornings, but here in Memphis, a total of 9 hours. The pay is kind of astounding, but nothing compared to what the universities charge the students to take the prep class, but hey, it is not too hard work for me, aside from preparation, the students are motivated to learn (or remember what they learned way back in school), and appreciate things. So a financial boost and ego boost at the same time.

Students back

I didn't have apprehension, I wasn't too nervous, and in some small ways I missed most of my students. It was good to see them back, a lot were subdued. Some of it was the new classroom, some was not giving them assigned seats (which created different issues as problem students tend to gravitate together). Lessons went well, since I planned them and timed them out, and we took very small steps in reviewing concepts from pre-break.

It was "dress to impress" day, part of homecoming week. Bad plan, since few kids remember ANYTHING over the two week break. Very few teachers participated either. I dressed as I used to as businessman in NYC - suit and tie. It made an impression, since I usually wear khakis and a collar shirt, even on jeans day.

Managed to squeeze in my daily walk before mother-in-law's birthday dinner, which absolved me of having to think of, then cook, dinner.

First Day Back

I need to start off by saying I was getting ready for bed when I remembered I hadn't written today. For the past 2 hours I have been just wasting time online with funny videos, checking out music (specifically "Enjoy Every Sandwich" a tribute to Warren Zevon), playing stupid FaceBook games. But also sending messages to friends I haven't communicated with (no, FaceBook posts do NOT count as communication), which is a positive step. Another positive step is coming back to the computer to do a little writing.

I was optimistic about today - no students, probably a meeting or two, get back in the swing with the other teachers, etc. The first hour was fine - updated my weekly lessons, did a couple of log sheets (one for bathroom breaks - turns out one of my other teachers had read the same article, so we shared!). Then my next-door-teacher asked if the principal had talked to me yet about the move. *context* When I was hired, I replaced the language arts teacher, but the plan was to shuffle most of the teachers in the grade to their preferred subject. I would get math, the science teacher would move to language arts, the math teacher would take over reinforcement. This would take place once the grading period ended. So I taught language arts for a couple of weeks. Near the end of this, the school got three smartboards, and the order went out to install them in the middle school math classrooms. Oopsy - the 6th grade board went into the classroom next to me instead of my room. You would think this would be a simple fix - either move the board or move the teacher. Well, my next-door-teacher basically refused to move rooms. I can't say she is a pleasant person; tough to talk to, doesn't share things that I needed to know, purchases bulk snacks with her own money and re-sells them to students at a large profit, causing chaos and poor choices among students. *end/context*

Of course, I know nothing about the move, but soon I am asked by the assistant principal if the principal has spoken to me - and he makes a kind of criss-cross gesture toward the two rooms. Eventually I get the official word, I am moving rooms so I can have access to the smartboard (which, by the way, that teacher never used. Reinforcement is basically putting kids on a language arts application on laptops, with math a second priority. The teacher does not actually teach, she doesn't give grades on report cards, etc.). I start packing, clear out the desk, all that stuff. Around 1pm the teacher makes her big entrance, with lots of loud complaining about how it should have been handled, how we should have been informed before the break (no arguing there, I agree with that), how she is keeping her desk and it will just have to be moved next door. Mind you, I have been ready to shift things for over 2 hours. The day was scheduled to run from 8am-2pm, and now I am rushing in the last hour to move things, help her move things (she refused offers of help hours earlier). It all got moved, but none of my things are back on the walls, I am not entirely happy with the desk configurations, and students are going to be stunned, I am sure.

I have an hour in my normal routine prior to students arriving, then I have my normal planning period, plus I got the week's worth of copying done today, so I will work out the minor details in the morning. Yep, change is good. Now I have to bring myself up to speed with this smartboard, having never used one before. I have the theory, not the technique, but it is going to make life a WHOLE lot easier, and in the long run benefit the students,which is the name of the game.

To balance my gruff neighbor, there is a fifth grade teacher who is my salvation. Her son is one of my students, and she teaches math as well. In our meeting, going over ThinkLink test scores (a quarterly practice test on the computer to practice test-taking and comprehension of the TCAP concepts), she was hugely supportive of me as I looked at my students' dismal scores. She had most of mine last year, knows it is the clay and not the potter that is at fault, and isn't shy about telling me so. She is always upbeat and great (as is most of her grade team), and she is giving me confidence, which is the one thing I usually need most.

Now, to bed. Actually reading 3 different books: the aforementioned Zevon bio, the final Spenser novel by Robert B. Parker (final since the author died), and my current entry in Kathy Reichs' series, on which the Fox-TV series Bones is based. The books are fun, quick to read, and we have the full set, so I don't have to go hunt for the next when I finish one. This is the way I used to read - a book in several different places around the house, just pick up the closest one. The Parker is a one-week book, so it is top priority.

My crazy memory

I have always enjoyed Warren Zevon's music, once introduced to it way back in college. One of his 'greatest hits' compilations "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" is my preferred long-haul driving music. His name came up during trivia this past week in response to the question "What big-name rock star was a surprise guest on Letterman's last show on NBC." I knew it was Springsteen, but Warren was a major guest on CBS, and subbed for Paul as band leader for a couple weeks, and they devoted an entire show to him prior to his death.

This all jogged my memory, so I picked up his auto?-biography from the library. The question mark is there because he DID contribute to it, but it was published after his death. Anyhow, I was a little shocked to be reminded that he died in 2003. To me, it seems a lot more recent. But then, my memory keeps a lot of things immediate, and doesn't always connect events with dates, or events with other events.

I think too much. And too quickly. Sometimes I can make connections super-fast, other times I re-live things multiple times in seconds so they are etched in my mind, whether I want them to be or not. This was never good in dating situations, since I would dwell on every tiny detail until I was half nuts. I run lots of scenarios really fast in my head - not normal by a long shot. I once told my therapist that I felt like I was in my 70s because I think a lot faster than "normal" people - the look on her face made me realize it might have sounded like I had done enough living.

Because my memories tend to be pretty sharp, if they get made, that is, things that happened decades ago are as fresh as yesterday. Which means the friends I have may not hear from me for long periods of time, but when they do, to me, it is just like I spoke to them yesterday. I will mean to call and catch up, but I will put it off, then feel like it is too late to re-connect, or that I have done something to offend, or whatever. That may be another "resolution" for the new year - to connect better with friends, and (OMG) family. In any case, my dearest friends know this about me, and lack of communication isn't me ignoring them, it is just that they are so current in my mind, I might not realize how much time has passed in the outside world. As in "outside my head" - since one of my friends rightly told me that I live a lot of time in my head.

Back to Warren - he lived a wild life during a wild period of history. I envy him, since his brand of insanity had an outlet that could be shared and appreciated by masses of others, while mine is pretty well stuck inside of me, and can only be exposed to small groups in small doses. Then again, I am a firm believer that creative genius (and maybe ALL genius) comes with the potential for life-shortening disaster, whether addiction, chronic depression, cancer, etc.

Tomorrow is back-to-school day for me, but not for my students. Not stressing much since I will have ample time to get things done.

In the Beginning

Hello again, whoever is out there. I don't do well with blogs. I get lazy, I forget, I just get apathetic more often than not and feel like what I am going through is not important or not interesting to anybody out there, assuming there IS anybody out there. Maybe I will just write for me, to get rid of the poisons, doubts, worries, concerns, hopes and dreams that clog up my daily functioning, and let you solipsismal (I think I just made up a word) figments do your own thing.

I had a blog a bit ago, and it fell to the wayside. New Year's resolutions are crap - no reason other than an arbitrary calendar reboot to start new things - but here I am anyway. Going to try to write daily this year. Yep, 365 posts. I spend loads of crap-time on Facebook, might as well be semi-productive, or on the other hand, might as well vent.

While I am at it, I might as well go on record to state other goals that I may or may not be motivated to achieve.

Walk or other exercise 20 minutes a day. There is an easy 1.3 mile loop from the house that would work, or the treadmill, or the track at school. No reason not to - weather is no excuse. Or even the Wii Fit from last year that I messed with for about a month. I bet it misses me. More likely, it is waiting to insult my body-mass again. Sub-goal is to reduce my weight by about 30 pounds. This might help my gastric reflux, energy level, sleep apnea and self esteem. Or not. I don't like the idea of weight, since I tend toward density - relatively short and what used to be kindly referred to as stocky. For me, exercise = more muscle which weighs more and reduces the measurable results. Plus I have patience issues. I don't like to wait for results, or for long term trends to reveal themselves (see also - self-confidence in teaching skills).

Positivity. I tend toward the cynical, negative and self-critical. I focus on what went wrong, not the small successes of the day. So I will document at least one good thing here. Yep. Sure thing.

I am not looking forward to Monday. No students, but back to the school, feeling well behind on most fronts. My lessons are seriously behind the pacing set forth by the district. *No, you are NOT a bad teacher because of this* Some of this is student preparedness - many can't accurately multiply without a calculator, and most won't try to learn, since they know they are required to have access to one during state testing. Some of this is due to pacing that is over ambitious, in order to cover a year's worth of concepts in 3/4 of the year - since the state testing is not at the very end. And since math builds on prior concepts I can't just jump around from this to that (although the pacing does, and so does the textbook).

And let's for a moment dwell on the unfairness of teaching. Parents and students blame ME for not making learning math be easy, automatic and no more strenuous than casually watching an episode of SpongeBob. Politicians, with no educational background, want to create some sort of measurable educational unit so we can be evaluated, categorized and blamed further, as if teachers are the ONLY variable in the equation. While earning my Masters Degree in education, it was drilled into our heads that students learn differently, at different rates, and good teacher evaluate students with multiple assessments - never a single type of test or quiz. Meanwhile, the only standard on which students, and therefore teachers, are evaluated is an annual multiple choice test. It is frustrating, and there will be teachers who look good on paper because they teach skills necessary to pass the test, not the underlying concepts, not thinking process. But I didn't get into teaching for the fairness of it all. Some days, though, I question why I got into teaching at all.

Brace yourself. There will be repetition. There will be rambling. There will be connections that are difficult to follow. I am cursed with a memory that keeps things fresher than tupperware for a hell of a lot longer - and a lot of those things are not the victories that can keep me upbeat. They are the tiny failures, indiscretions and trespasses that the victims have long forgotten - but not me. I might drag some of that into the light, hopefully to char to cinders or have somebody tell me "Is THAT what is bothering you?"

I've heard change is as good as a vacation. Here's to 2011, the year of the vacation.