In the Beginning

Hello again, whoever is out there. I don't do well with blogs. I get lazy, I forget, I just get apathetic more often than not and feel like what I am going through is not important or not interesting to anybody out there, assuming there IS anybody out there. Maybe I will just write for me, to get rid of the poisons, doubts, worries, concerns, hopes and dreams that clog up my daily functioning, and let you solipsismal (I think I just made up a word) figments do your own thing.

I had a blog a bit ago, and it fell to the wayside. New Year's resolutions are crap - no reason other than an arbitrary calendar reboot to start new things - but here I am anyway. Going to try to write daily this year. Yep, 365 posts. I spend loads of crap-time on Facebook, might as well be semi-productive, or on the other hand, might as well vent.

While I am at it, I might as well go on record to state other goals that I may or may not be motivated to achieve.

Walk or other exercise 20 minutes a day. There is an easy 1.3 mile loop from the house that would work, or the treadmill, or the track at school. No reason not to - weather is no excuse. Or even the Wii Fit from last year that I messed with for about a month. I bet it misses me. More likely, it is waiting to insult my body-mass again. Sub-goal is to reduce my weight by about 30 pounds. This might help my gastric reflux, energy level, sleep apnea and self esteem. Or not. I don't like the idea of weight, since I tend toward density - relatively short and what used to be kindly referred to as stocky. For me, exercise = more muscle which weighs more and reduces the measurable results. Plus I have patience issues. I don't like to wait for results, or for long term trends to reveal themselves (see also - self-confidence in teaching skills).

Positivity. I tend toward the cynical, negative and self-critical. I focus on what went wrong, not the small successes of the day. So I will document at least one good thing here. Yep. Sure thing.

I am not looking forward to Monday. No students, but back to the school, feeling well behind on most fronts. My lessons are seriously behind the pacing set forth by the district. *No, you are NOT a bad teacher because of this* Some of this is student preparedness - many can't accurately multiply without a calculator, and most won't try to learn, since they know they are required to have access to one during state testing. Some of this is due to pacing that is over ambitious, in order to cover a year's worth of concepts in 3/4 of the year - since the state testing is not at the very end. And since math builds on prior concepts I can't just jump around from this to that (although the pacing does, and so does the textbook).

And let's for a moment dwell on the unfairness of teaching. Parents and students blame ME for not making learning math be easy, automatic and no more strenuous than casually watching an episode of SpongeBob. Politicians, with no educational background, want to create some sort of measurable educational unit so we can be evaluated, categorized and blamed further, as if teachers are the ONLY variable in the equation. While earning my Masters Degree in education, it was drilled into our heads that students learn differently, at different rates, and good teacher evaluate students with multiple assessments - never a single type of test or quiz. Meanwhile, the only standard on which students, and therefore teachers, are evaluated is an annual multiple choice test. It is frustrating, and there will be teachers who look good on paper because they teach skills necessary to pass the test, not the underlying concepts, not thinking process. But I didn't get into teaching for the fairness of it all. Some days, though, I question why I got into teaching at all.

Brace yourself. There will be repetition. There will be rambling. There will be connections that are difficult to follow. I am cursed with a memory that keeps things fresher than tupperware for a hell of a lot longer - and a lot of those things are not the victories that can keep me upbeat. They are the tiny failures, indiscretions and trespasses that the victims have long forgotten - but not me. I might drag some of that into the light, hopefully to char to cinders or have somebody tell me "Is THAT what is bothering you?"

I've heard change is as good as a vacation. Here's to 2011, the year of the vacation.