Chemicals

Seems as though I can't manage without them. Anti-depressants, daily, even though the current one balances my energy (the old one made me logy) with the side effects of nausea and headaches. Real migraine type headaches, where, if I am lucky enough to be at home, I can lie down and keep my eyes closed for a while. So I balance those headaches with daily doses of migraine relief (aspirin, caffeine, and some other pain reliever), but it still sucks to have a raging headache upon waking. Then there are the acid inhibitors (Prilosec) to keep my reflux at bay. And lately I have had to take an anti-anxiety pill (though not a big one) daily to just get to school. Why is this top of mind? Well, today for the first time I had to take a half pill at lunchtime, and still didn't think I was going to make it through the day.

I am like a stress magnet (brace yourself for lots of mixed metaphors) - I grab stress even in situations where I shouldn't be stressed. I am a good teacher - probably even better than good - but I still stress over it. My lessons are easy to understand, reach all different levels, use technology, relate to the students' life experiences and follow the curriculum. There is always more than enough to fill a class period, so sometimes I have to edit on the fly. But still I get the shakes and crises of confidence. During the snow days I was so on edge it was difficult to even concentrate. And I have no outlets for the stress. Relaxation is doing something mindless, usually repetitive (like online games), or reading. Too often, though, I play or read to the exclusion of other things, and then I stress over not doing lesson plans, or grades, or putting more work or effort into my teaching.

As the stress increases, I feel myself slipping into old, self-destructive patterns. And I can feel it building up, like a sneeze. Eventually it is going to break through, and I am going to have some sort of breakdown/meltdown, unless I can figure out how to relax more, how to channel frustration so I don't wind up smashing my head into a wall, literally.